Is this quite common or would you also feel incredibly hurt by your parents?

[Regainlap]

Last weekend we (me and my brother and our kids) went to see my DM and DF (sixties).

The topic of a care homes came up as a documentary was on the tv late afternoon. This was about failing care homes. My mum, almost out of nowhere, said well we’ll be in charge of where we go as we’ve set up a trustee/nominated person to make these decisions with our finances for where we get to that stage.

Brother was equally as taken aback at the time and parents then said they had done it so me and brother didn’t have any disagreements and to ensure me and him weren’t put under pressure to deal with it all.

I accept I have little to no knowledge as to what’s usual in these circumstances but I know my mum was in charge of my gran’s circumstances at that point and the same with my dad and his mum. I just find it so offensive and hurtful that they’d rather appoint essentially a stranger instead of their own DC. AIBU?!

It would reduce a lot of the mental load and worry.
No one is saying a solicitor to handle the financials is like a fairy godmother who can wave a wand and make all the stress disappear.

Your parents are young still and it could be at least 20 years down the line or more, until any such decisions may need to be made, if at all. Continue these conversations over time and you will hopefully understand more about your parents thinking and intentions.

you know @casualobserver2026 you've persuaded me. I'd rather have any random solicitor taking care of my elder years than someone like you.

Like others, I would not be offended or upset about this. I’ve been through this with several parents (mine and DH’s) and it’s incredibly difficult and can cause tension and rifts in even the closest of families. I suspect your parents have done this to try and protect you from that, and so you can continue to have a parent/adult child relationship with them without having to take on the role of carers.

just fyi, probably pointless,

empathy, as I interpret it, is seeing things from another's point of view, beyond your own biases

😂

; all these asterisks!!

Not if you have a lifetime of experiences which suggest/prove the opposite.

I think having been through it with their own parents they are trying to spare you the stress. In my experience it doesn’t matter how lovely, easy going etc your parents are, caring for them in their elderly years can be so difficult and changes your relationship.

Yup. it's absolutely bonkers to pretend that having assistance from a solicitor is in any way at all a bad thing.

Except they will have to pay for it. And that is the only downside for the OP.

I wonder if they have a friend who’s had a bad experience. I can see why someone might want to keep their affairs with a solicitor. They’re less motivated by inheritance. I can already feel one of my siblings being skewed by what’s good for them rather than what’s good for my elderly parent. Fortunately there are several of us but it will undoubtedly change our relationship.

Basically they’ve done it so that they can resist going into a home for as long as they want

I find that hard to believe. I think it's quite the reverse. I think they've done it so that they CAN go into a home at the time of their choosing without family objecting to the cost (which in the SE can be around £2k per month)

Hmm, I've worked in this area and you do sometimes get relatives scrabbling around trying to find the absolute cheapest care homes available. Even if their mum and dad are very wealthy it's hard for some sons and dgtrs to watch what they see as their "inheritance" being spent on care home fees.
Often these fees are between £2-£4k a WEEK.
Even worse are the ones who insist on elderly parent staying at home, lonely and struggling to save money.
Maybe your mum is just making it absolutely clear that she doesn't want you to have to choose between (say school fees) and her care home. You might have her best interests at heart but maybe she feels your partner doesn't?
I trust my DD and DSil implicitly but wouldn't trust my DS not to be swayed by his partner who would just want an inheritance.

More like 10k per month. That’s what my FIL paid. All assets gone now.

Yup, hanging on to the inheritance trumps all for many people. And by the OPs exreme over reaction to such a commonsense, absolutely standard approach, my strong suspicion is that she is one of those people.

£2k a month is a bargain for a care home 😳. Totally unheard of where I am to find anything this cheap.

My DM’s is £2700 per week.

Is it really about money though @MrsJeanLuc?

Could it be interpreted as, they think, the decision to "consign" them to a home would be too painful a decision (as they perceive) for their children to make, they'd rather (imho, erroneously) pay someone to make that decision, all emotion spared?

Or do they think their children are money grabbers and would not act in their best interests?

Yes, this is a lot more realistic.
The most I've known is £4k per week.
I know a couple who moved there and pay £8k a week for the both of them, they sold a huge farm to fund it.
I actually do feel a bit sorry for their relatives but ultimately their money, their choices and they are treated like royalty.

Its not a negative, its a positive

Mum ( 87 ) has her funeral plan paid, has her wishes regarding death and funeral all written out, has her will written, bank details everything all sorted in the safe and I have access . She also has had POA sorted for me for if its needed

When my nan got ill and died, mum had to find her way through it all, never having any one in that position before to advise, guide. Caused a rift between her and her only brother that wasnt healed by the time he died

MIL nursed FIL through cancer till his death. It affected her so much she hid her own cancer till it was too late

When I start looking at my end of years, I too will dot the I's and cross the t's

@suki1964

"When I start looking at my end of years, I too will dot the I's and cross the t's"

and entrust your wishes in the hands of solicitors, rather than, your own nearest and dearest?

Few grand. Drop in the ocean compared to care home fees.

I would be so grateful for this!

Right. It is about not giving their financial decisions to family members with a vested interest in keeping their inheritance for themselves.

The only type of person who would be remotely offended by this is the type of person who wants access to their parent's money. OP is trying to weaponise guilt tripping by pretending to be offended by this decision - because it's not normal to be offended by someone choosing to do what they want with their own money and affairs.

This is EXACTLY the methodology behind getting access to anything private that the other person does not want to share.

These are the classic guilt-tripping mechanics. First induce guilt "if you loved me you would trust me" "if you trusted me you'd share this" followed by flipping the blame "What, you don't trust me?!" followed by adding moral pressure "If they loved me they'd let ME have access to their finances!" and then escalate by sulking - OP has already threatened in one of her responses to ghost her parents for daring to make their own financial decisions.

Her goal here is to be told she's in the right and not the bad guy. Her goal with her parents is access to their finances - and they've got her number and that's why they've done this.

This is purely and simply emotional guilt tripping to gain access to someone else's finances disguised as hurt feelings.

Ohh stupid!
I was paying £1915 a week in south London!

Imagine your DC in this situation. You’re 92, riddled with arthritis, dementia, cataracts and you can no longer carry on in your home. Your lovely children and husband think it’ll be best for you to go in a home where you can be looked after by professionals. They have jobs and children of their own now and they take it turn to visit you, change your sheets, change your wet clothes. One of your children is choosing a modern expensive nursing home, one prefers a cheaper but grottier place. There is tension between them. One is emotional, one is practical. You are crying because you don’t want to leave the home you have lived in for 40 yrs. You refuse to leave your husband. It’s awful for your family to see you so upset.

I would do anything I could to avoid my children going through this. I don’t think you have any idea how bad these things can be. Your parents sound quite practical and on the ball. Don’t worry about how much it’ll cost. It’s not your money.

Yeah it was a stupid typo.

I was paying £1915 a week in south London!