Is this quite common or would you also feel incredibly hurt by your parents?

[Regainlap]

Last weekend we (me and my brother and our kids) went to see my DM and DF (sixties).

The topic of a care homes came up as a documentary was on the tv late afternoon. This was about failing care homes. My mum, almost out of nowhere, said well we’ll be in charge of where we go as we’ve set up a trustee/nominated person to make these decisions with our finances for where we get to that stage.

Brother was equally as taken aback at the time and parents then said they had done it so me and brother didn’t have any disagreements and to ensure me and him weren’t put under pressure to deal with it all.

I accept I have little to no knowledge as to what’s usual in these circumstances but I know my mum was in charge of my gran’s circumstances at that point and the same with my dad and his mum. I just find it so offensive and hurtful that they’d rather appoint essentially a stranger instead of their own DC. AIBU?!

OPs parents said

’well we’ll be in charge of where we go’

So unless they both lose their marbles at the same time, I think they plan to sort it all out themselves.

It doesn't make sense that they would rather put their trust in a stranger than their own children. Do they not think you would do what's in their best interest when the time comes.

Super. Nothing can possibly go wrong.

Hardly.

The difficult conversation about when the right time to go into a home has come is a sensitive and intimate one. No third party could make that decision without having a massive impact on the lives of the children too. Basically they’ve done it so that they can resist going into a home for as long as they want even that if that means massive dirupting their children’s quality of life (although this always falls to female relatives, so yours OP).

It’s great news that they’ve planned ahead to make financial provision, but I’d be furious about this

third party too.

i don’t think could just let that go, I’d want a serious conversation about it. Who is the third party? Someone you know or just a solicitor?

Most people don't end up going to homes anyway. I can understand feeling a bit hurt by this but your parents have actually been responsible by not putting this on you. You don't know what your future holds, what pressures you may be under at the time they need support, and so many people wish their parents had been more proactive about preparing for their old age.

@Theonlywayicanloveyou how can they resist it as long as they want? I believe you, just wondering how that would work in practice because surely the solicitor appointed could just decide when as they’re in charge

Honestly I think that's really considerate of them. It will save you the stress at what will be a difficult time, and it sounds like they've got the money put aside already, so they're presumably not expecting you to have to pay for it. I think this is a really thoughtful approach!

Well, they like to bitch but they’re full of shite then, because people with no funds don’t have “accountants and solicitors all over all sorts of things,” like you said your parents do. Having a solicitor handle things doesn’t strike me as particularly uncommon when you’re talking about high six-figure or low seven-figure estate. If they have “accountants and solicitors all over all sorts of things,” and that’s the extent of your knowledge of their affairs (I’m not saying it is! But do you know the names of all their solicitors and accountants and their phone numbers? Do you know all your parents’ passwords? If you had the money, why the hell wouldn’t you write down exactly what you wanted and then have someone hired to see that it’s done, so no one in your family has to?), then maybe this is better; it’s not about trust, but about the fact you and your brother both have your own lives. You are essentially complaining because your parents have sorted out their end-of-life care instead of forcing you into a role as an unpaid family carer. It does sound a bit… odd?

The ONLY reason everyone doesn’t have this done, because it really does clear up any confusion and usually make things easier, is because of expense, as that poster said. We now live in a world where a lot of people don’t even leave enough to afford their own funeral. If your parents really have no money in the bank, no other assets, and their house is worth less than £200K, then yes, it’s an odd decision they made. But if your parents REALLY had no funds, they wouldn’t have done this.

But what everyone is missing is that they’re still going to be doing all the actually sandwich work and the juggling! A solicitor isn’t just a legal annd financial representative - they’re not going to be checking they’ve got food in and the house is clean and certainly won’t be getting a call after a fall at 1am.

the DCs (DD most likely) will get all this but absolutely zero say or control over what happens next….

As a result my advice to OP would be to state now, in a document with the same solicitor, that you won’t be providing unpaid care

YABU

particularly to label as “offensive” your parents’ independent decision about what they want to do for their own future independence, with their own money.

In their 60s isn’t incapicated doddering old age. They’re being very sensible to think about arrangements for their future. YABU

O M G

People, what do you think the solicitor will actually be doing? Taking over all the care duties for the OP's parents?

As their lives implode - who will be cleaning for them, who will be wiping their bottoms, which care home are they going to go to, should there be a DOLS on them?

You think the OP and her brother can now just sit back, care free, because some random solicitor is supposedly taking care of all that?

think

ETA for angry sausage fingers

A trustee might be able to make decisions regarding the assets within the trust but not decisions relating to the health and welfare of the settlor (your parents). An attorney would be needed in the latter case. If this was to do with my own my parents, I would try to suss out if they understand what arrangement they have( for their own benefit )

The solicitor will presumably only be able to step in and make decisions if they lose capacity.

Yet a lot of people need to be in a care home/have a lot of in home care when they are mentally functioning fine by very frail/unable to cope with the demands of living independently. And older people are often reluctant to admit that they’ve reached this stage.

my worry for you and your DB is that you’ll be the ones providing lots of ad hoc care but because they haven’t lost mental capacity the solicitor is unwilling or unable to override their claims that they don’t need any extra support at that poijt

then you’re in a bind

you need to discuss this possibility right now - just ask them what happens if you disagree with their instructions to the solicitor

I would be ecstatic if my mum and dad had done that. Honestly OP dealing with elderly parents is very draining.

you’ve put it more brutally, but this is exactly the point

and that’s why the OP is right to be furious, all the responsibility but none of the shared decision making.

it is truly insulting

That would worry me OP. Do you not even have any idea who the person is they have appointed?

Can you explain to them that you are just concerned that they haven't been taken advantage of?

Be grateful you won't be put in a position where you and your brother disagree.

If the solicitor is acting in guardian role, then it will be their job to arrange carers to take care of that sort of thing.

Having had the discussion, I think it would be reasonable for OP to outline her expectations and boundaries for her parents too. I have done this with mine.

Your parents should let you know who they have appointed and the arrangements though, so you can contact them if the need arises.

She’s probably done it to save you the hassle. My siblings and I are looking after our parents and we have told our children to put us in a home and not look after us when the time comes. We have also arranged direct cremation for ourselves so our children do have to worry about funerals either.

This should say “the solicitor IS just a legal representative”

face palm

Hopefully you all knew what I meant

What hassle is being saved?

I hate to say it but my experience is solicitors are not a great choice in such circumstances.

So what happens in the event that the children think they need care/a care home and the parents do not lack mental capacity but decide they don’t? Could a solicitor really do that in the absence of a diagnosis of reduced capacity eg dementia? I fear it’s unlikely; the legal guardian would be cautious and side with the parents.

yea agree the DCs need to set our their personal limits with that guardian now too

My parents have both died, I get on well with my sister, to put my comments into context.

I would have found it very strange in the OPs situation had that happened. An LPA was in place for my sister and I (never needed), we knew who the solicitors were in respect of their wills etc. That's not in any way to doubt the professionalism of any in the legal profession.

Whilst it never came to providing personal care, the point someone made is a good one.

This is taking it totally the wrong way around. My parents might do this- they’d do it because they love us and don’t want to put that burden on us, and this is so obvious to me.