Is this quite common or would you also feel incredibly hurt by your parents?

[Regainlap]

Last weekend we (me and my brother and our kids) went to see my DM and DF (sixties).

The topic of a care homes came up as a documentary was on the tv late afternoon. This was about failing care homes. My mum, almost out of nowhere, said well we’ll be in charge of where we go as we’ve set up a trustee/nominated person to make these decisions with our finances for where we get to that stage.

Brother was equally as taken aback at the time and parents then said they had done it so me and brother didn’t have any disagreements and to ensure me and him weren’t put under pressure to deal with it all.

I accept I have little to no knowledge as to what’s usual in these circumstances but I know my mum was in charge of my gran’s circumstances at that point and the same with my dad and his mum. I just find it so offensive and hurtful that they’d rather appoint essentially a stranger instead of their own DC. AIBU?!

As someone who's just dealt with three parents dying between myself and dh, I couldn't think of anything better. I think it was a very considerate thing to do.

Assuming it’s LPoA you may well have dodged a bullet, though I understand why it might not feel that way. Lots of people do the little sing-song ‘I will do everything for my DM and DF when they get old’ patter when they’re in no immediate danger of it and their parents are still lovely. Hang around on the Elderly Parents board, read some posts. It’s a lot of work and time to do this properly. Don’t he offended, be relieved. This means you can be ‘just’ a daughter.

Not so I didn’t have to feel shit, but for the same reason parents clean out the things they haven’t used in decades before dying- because they know I’m a busy full time working mum of 3 active young kids and our weekdays and weekends are full on.

How do you think that solicitors would have taken that burden from you?

I'd be upset that they hadn't told me. I get why they did it though.

It's a huge and stressful and upsetting responsibility. When people go into care homes it's a generally very emotional time.

Turning it into a business transaction rather than leaving it to family could be them thinking of you.

Have been dealing with elder care arrangements for a long time now. I would have loved had my parents put a plan in place to have someone else do this.

To do what, exactly? How would it have beeen phrased/understood?

@Regainlap

This period in our parents' lives can go either way.

My brother and I were medical and financial POA for our mother. He handled finances and I handled medical, both of us 'playing to our strengths'. Mum discussed it with both of us in advance and set up the medical to be 'either/or' with me as primary. Financial was set up so all financial reports and 'issues' went to my brother to handle, but any decision had to be signed off by both of us. We never had a cross word and both were completely transparent with the other.

On the other hand, my cousins had a similar set up for my Aunt (both my dad and my uncle predeceased their wives). There was nothing but arguing and suspicion. They ended up spending money from their mum's finances to pay an attorney to resolve these various disputes. It would have been better if Aunt had named the attorney as trustee in the first place!

It sounds to me as if your parents (mostly your mum?) for some reason doesn't want you and your brother involved. And because she refuses to even let you see the documents it sounds as if she doesn't trust either of you. Is there someone else who might have an idea of what's motivating this? A friend or relative who might be able to either explain or 'intercede' with the proviso that you simply want to understand, not to 'cause trouble'?

You say you feel like being completely 'uninvolved' when the time comes that this solicitor has to 'take the reins'. But I have a feeling he/she is going to be looking to you and your brother for day to day things and decisions on future living situations. I can't see a solicitor driving Mum to the doctor or stopping by the shops for a package of Depends, can you? And I can't see him/her visiting care homes to find a good one. If you truly mean it when you say you'll do nothing 'when the time comes' you need to give it a good think and set your boundaries. And perhaps inform Mum and Dad of your decision.

Are you in the UK? I feel like this is the sort of thing where the process can be very different between jurisdictions. I don't feel like I recognise what you're describing.

I am really not trying to be contentious but in whose, exactly, best interests is such a momentous decision being served, by abrogating it to an arbitrary random who has a financial gain in making it?

They've done you a massive favour. I'd be thanking them. Not taking offence. 🙄

How wonderful of them. You are so very very very lucky to have such thoughtful, forward thinking parents.

You should be thanking them.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

Not in the UK. However, I am sure the UK has some sort of system to take care of elderly people who are unable to care for themselves and don't have anyone else to do it for them (or they have chosen not to have those people do it for them for whatever reasons they have). I can't imagine the UK turns a blind eye to elderly people in need of intervention and help. Whatever that system is is what I am referring too and I thought people would get that. Terminology doesn't matter here.

I actually think this is a very positive choice made by your parents. I work in a sector where family are having to make such decisions and so many of them just want someone else to have to make these difficult decisions when it comes down to it. It can be a very horrible place to be and actually causes a lot of conflict even in the most stable of families.

What decisions do you think the solicitor is going to take?

Sadly they do. My dad volunteered during Covid and helped a man in his 90s with no family. He spent ages trying to get him into a home because the council were just sending carers once a day and he clearly needed more. Sadly he died shortly before my dad succeeded. But before my dad was involved he had zero support other than the once a day carers

Ooh, just read more of the OPs messages and realised this is 100% about money. She's annoyed that her parents will be spending money on a solicitor and that she and her brother won't have access to her parents money to decide how it should be spent.

She's worried her parents will spend all their own money on their own care and leave nothing for her and her brother.

Oh well, you'll have to hope there's something left over for you when they die, as you won't be getting your hands on it when they're alive 😂

OP has clued in, savvy parents for sure.

Nope wouldn't be offended at all.

I have responsibility for both my ageing parents and it has brought me to my knees...and there is no end in sight.

If I can do anything to alleviate the stress of all what ive had to, and will continue to do for my own parents, from my own DC, I will definitely be doing what your parents have.

Bahahaha! Imagine expecting anybody at all to believe that elderly people telling you they have employed a solicitor to deal with their finances and care is a reason to ghost your own parents. 😂

Ooh they really do have your number. Well done to those two for keeping you well away from their finances.

And now you think you have the perfect excuse to ghost them and show them they were right all along. 😇But sadly for you Barbara and Lavinia will consider your behaviour terribly sub par when they're gossiping about you at the next charity auction 😅

I wish my dad had done this. It was exhausting trying to convince him not to invest his money in scams. I mean he told me he was investing in COAL! I was like Dad, don’t everyone is getting out of coal these days. Who is trying to sell you shares in a coal startup? He said it’s ok it’s in Canada and the US, and the “financial advisor” really knows his stuff (fucking con man).

A parent will think they always know better than their child and trust a sleazy con artist over you.

A solicitor in charge would have ensured my Dad didn’t lose several million and then drink himself to death out of shame. My Dad also refused to see a doctor, but I think he was in the early stage of Alzheimer’s because he was too trusting and started to prefer to speak in Latin which he learned as a school boy.

@casualobserver2026 such empathy, 🧙‍♀️

Such a pointless response from you, because you have no actual response 😅😂

And the word you are looking for is compassion. I empathise well with the OP which means I can put myself in her shoes and I see through her motivations very very clearly based on her own words.

Empathy does NOT mean feeling sorry for or agreeing with someone. It means you can understand why they do things, and put yourself in their position. Oh, I understand perfectly what's annoyed her. I absolutely understand 😅

I think you posted on the wrong thread. Because there is nothing in OP"s posts that said she is worried about her parents spending their money on themselves. But you missed a trick to make the perfect bingo - you should have called her and her brother "grabby".

Do people REALLY think the solicitor will be popping by to help toilet the elderly parents? Visiting regularly to make sure they are ready to discuss nursing homes? Or visiting in the nursing home to chat to the nurses and make sure they see the parents as people not patients? Drop a present into the nursing staff at xmas? Signing the DNR? Making sure they have clean clothes and new stuff when needed? Sitting and chatting to them about old times? Showing them photos of family and friends? Reading to them from favourite books?

Huge naivety on the reality of dealing with elderly parents on this thread - oh just nominate a solicitor and all the stress with go away! It doesn't work like that.

Nah, it's all there, she references finances and responds to those talking about money. She is very very definitely worried about the money and at no point sounded worried, just pissed off and aggravated.

Didn''t read the rest as your reading comprehension is poor or you're just lying based on your own biases.