With DH Inflexible 6pm gym schedule?

[notaurewhatusername]

need some perspective here because I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if this is a legitimate frustration.

My husband goes to the gym at 6pm most evenings. We have a one-year-old, and this has been his routine since our child was born. The issue isn’t that he goes to the gym - I absolutely think he should have that time - it’s that he’s completely inflexible about the timing because his friends go at 6pm.

Here’s what frustrates me: 6pm is the absolute busiest hour of our day. Baby needs attention, dinner needs cooking, and everything feels like it’s happening at once. He’ll often head out without sorting dinner first, which means I’m left juggling cooking, dealing with baby, or waiting until 8pm for dinner which is not ideal. He does deal with baby in the mornings for an hour or so, but it’s the fact dinner needs doing at the exact same time.

To be fair, he does bath time when he gets back and does pull his weight with other household duties. He’s not lazy around the house. But when it comes to the mental load and the baby-related tasks, it’s not quite equal.

I also like going to the gym, but I schedule it around dinner time and family commitments. With him, it’s just non-negotiable - 6pm, every day, because that’s when his mates go. He says it’s the only hour of the day he gets to himself, which… I don’t entirely agree with, but maybe I’m wrong?

My question is: would it be unreasonable to ask him to either cook dinner before he leaves, or consider going at a different time, even just a few days a week? Or am I being petty about him having his own time?

AIBU?

Because he does the babies morning routine.

People who don’t finish work until 6 or have a long journey home.

The morning routine is not an eat time.

he’s not going to the pub. He’s going to the gym. He goes with a mate. Maybe they work better. I have friends at my gym but I workout on my own because I prefer it. My mates workout together because they think they push each other.

Rigid schedules are understandable, it's difficult to stick to a commitment if you don't. But you need to stop worrying about him do what suits you. Don't have dinner, have a proper lunch instead. He can then have leftovers or cook for himself.

Good!

My question is: would it be unreasonable to ask him to either cook dinner before he leaves, or consider going at a different time, even just a few days a week?

Neither of these things is remotely unreaaonable but TBH the thing that would bother me is how LONELY it gets at that time of day.

Also what happens if you want to go out one evening? I think you need to acquire some evening hobbies of your own 2 nights a week. If one of those hobbies is sleeping through a yoga nidra class then do it

YANBU. He is being v clever and selfish.

I think its sad that you are not eating as a family and the gym is taking priority. Are you sure that he isn't seeing someone there? Do you know the friends he is meeting there?

People will take the pi$$ if you let them, keep this man on a tight leash so that he cant get away with anything.
That is what I would try to impress upon my younger self if I could time travel, (then again she was away with the faeries and would not have listened!).

Why can’t you cook dinner before he goes or do a slow cooker during the day? Do you both work? I would say the home routine of a 6pm cooking session needs to be flexible. He’s killing 2 birds with 1 stone at the gym: friends time and gym time.

He's looking at this as if it's your child and he is helping out. Very unreasonable to expect daily gym visits.
Stop anguishing and pretend he isn't there. Prep your own food, buy some salad. Have some cooked chicken with cous cous or baked potato - minimal effort. Eat when it suits you and stop letting him control you.

An old colleague used to do this to her husband - turns out that she was having an affair with a PT at the gym.

I don’t think it makes a difference what he’s doing @NoisyViewer. He could be doing something really worthwhile but he’s checking out of parenting and it’s not fair on the op.

He's taking the piss. To give him the benefit of the doubt, if he's never done the 6pm-8pm slot at home, maybe he doesn't quite appreciate how hard it is and maybe he needs to see it one day for him to realise he's being unfair leaving it all to you.

If he's fully aware of how it is at that time, it is a shame to say the least that he doesn't feel at all guilty about leaving you to it while he gets a break.

God OP he sounds so inconsiderate and careless. No wonder you feel annoyed - he’s taking the piss by opting out of the hours of hard work. He’s not a team player.

Of course we all deserve time to ourselves. But the timing and frequency is everything. Leaving you to do dinner and bedtime alone frequently is just shocking.

How would he feel if the roles were reversed? Suggest you get to go to the gym 6-8 for a week and see how he likes it.

I know this sounds awful and I’m sorry, but when people do this I think it’s calculated to avoid family life.

My DP occasionally goes for a pint with friends who don’t have kids. Very rarely, and he only has 2. Because he cares about leaving me to hold the fort and doesn’t want to be seen to be abandoning his duties!

I have to go to the gym at 5/6am or 10/11pm if I want to fit it in around kids and household
stuff. I don’t see why he can’t vary his time to accommodate family life. You’re not in any way being unreasonable.

I really don’t understand why men think they can continue with life as normal after having children and I don’t understand why mothers and partners accept this kind of behaviour for months on end before realising it’s a problem.

Nip this bullshit in the bud now or you’ll only grow more and more resentment at the liberties he will continue to take until one of you calls it a day.

Go with him, take the baby. Eat out. Baby will go to sleep in the car on the way home.
The priority here is actually the baby. The gym may just have to forgo everyone’s constant attention for a while.

The parents I know that are gym rats go before work at 6 am, so the baby waking up then is a perfect alarm to get there!

Say you want him to do it for a week to see how awful it is. If he just doesn’t care, you’ve got bigger problems

@StinkyWizzleteets

are you a single parent? If not and you have a partner why not go earlier in the evening while he minds the kids, and vice versa?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I wouldn’t be happy about this if it were my other half.

we have a 18 month old and a 4 year old, both are asleep in bed by 6.30pm, we have a great routine. If either of us makes plans then we mostly always make it so that it is after 6.30pm and then the other person isn’t alone at the busiest time of day and can then relax for the rest of the evening.

it is incredibly selfish of your DH to be out at 6pm every single evening and I would question why he can’t understand that. having children is a team effort.

The gym is not a group activity. Do you know the friends?

I think it’s right to prioritise the gym, I also go every day and go when my friends go. DH does the same and we muddle through without each other when we’re gone. Baby goes in the sling/bouncer, toddler gets tv time, dinner gets cooked, all happy and healthy. Just find a way to work around it.

I can’t see anything wrong with this! Don’t know why more people don’t do it

I can’t see anything wrong with this! Don’t know why more people don’t do it

I don't ask my DH, but when he asks me I say I don't know if haven't thought about it.

It threw him at first but now he does consider what we might ne able to eat without serious cooking which neither of us are ready for after disturbed nights and long days.