With DH Inflexible 6pm gym schedule?

[notaurewhatusername]

need some perspective here because I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if this is a legitimate frustration.

My husband goes to the gym at 6pm most evenings. We have a one-year-old, and this has been his routine since our child was born. The issue isn’t that he goes to the gym - I absolutely think he should have that time - it’s that he’s completely inflexible about the timing because his friends go at 6pm.

Here’s what frustrates me: 6pm is the absolute busiest hour of our day. Baby needs attention, dinner needs cooking, and everything feels like it’s happening at once. He’ll often head out without sorting dinner first, which means I’m left juggling cooking, dealing with baby, or waiting until 8pm for dinner which is not ideal. He does deal with baby in the mornings for an hour or so, but it’s the fact dinner needs doing at the exact same time.

To be fair, he does bath time when he gets back and does pull his weight with other household duties. He’s not lazy around the house. But when it comes to the mental load and the baby-related tasks, it’s not quite equal.

I also like going to the gym, but I schedule it around dinner time and family commitments. With him, it’s just non-negotiable - 6pm, every day, because that’s when his mates go. He says it’s the only hour of the day he gets to himself, which… I don’t entirely agree with, but maybe I’m wrong?

My question is: would it be unreasonable to ask him to either cook dinner before he leaves, or consider going at a different time, even just a few days a week? Or am I being petty about him having his own time?

AIBU?

That's actually a fair point. Did he go with his friends at that time too? And now have they all decided to go earlier? I can't Imagine all his mates wanting to change their schedules to suit him .. .

But it's still not a fair split as you are still doing more of the night shifts? Also getting baby ready to be dropped to nursery is again bare minimum of parenting. He's still not being an equal partner...... Genuinely I think you need to lay down the law here. 2 times a weeknight he can go with his friends you get the other 2 nights and maybe alternate the other if you need or you have a spare night to spend together? It's funny how he used to go at 8pm and now at 6pm which is also a busy time at the gym and a vile time to go imo if you want to workout!

He fits you and baby around his life.
You fit your life around him and baby.

6pm every day is completely unreasonable.
How would he react if you suggested alternating the 6pm gym slot so he goes one day, you go the next? Let him manage that 6pm juggle half the time.

God he sounds annoying, of course he needs to be more flexible when you have young kids. He should be helping with cooking some nights and going to the gym later (when kids are asleep). Not at prime time just bc his friends are there!

He sorts his own food out, that’s what I would do.

I could never eat at 8/9pm!
we eat at 5pm and I’m ready for bed by 8pm 🤣

Why should he live like a bachelor when he is a parent

Be as inflexible as him. Tell him 6pm is the shittiest time of day to be left on your own so if he insists on 6pm you'll need to go at 6pm 3/4 days a week to recover from the stress of the other 3/4 days. Stick to it until he understands what it is he's asking of you.

You could quite easily eat at 8pm though.

If you are getting hungry and can’t control yourself then eat your lunch and breakfast later too. If you had a flexible metabolism then you wouldn’t have this problem, many people only eat one meal a day, many more eat in a personal choiuce eating window of 8 hours a day.

What would you do if his work changed to working until 7pm at night? You would deal with it.

That doesn’t sound reasonable fair enough if he wants to go meet up with his friends once or maybe even twice a week but every evening, how old is he?

If he carries on as the child gets older he’ll miss every dinner time and bed time with his child.. leaving you to handle it alone.
he sounds like a twat op if he really thinks this is fine

Definitely the worst time of day. He needs to ask his friends to move the slot if he’s adamant he goes every time with them. No idea why people enjoy doing this, for me exercise is about having precious alone time.

He’s going to the gym to avoid family and baby time. Don’t have another with him, it likely won’t work out long term.

Why should she change what time she eats just because HE likes to eat later? She is fine eating on her own. Why does HE get to dictate when she eats?

You could just as easily say why doesn't he get up at 5.30am to exercise, many people do that, especially parents.

Or do women have to do all the compromising?

I hate fasting and I hate eating late. I need 3 big meals a day. I don't snack and I don't eat after 7pm. On the odd ocasion that I have a late dinner I end up snacking and not sleeping well because I am too full.

I think the obvious answer here is to just sort out food for you and baby — if that means batch cooking for the two of you, fine. He can then cook his dinner whenever he wants. If he’s going to treat you like a housemate there’s no point going out of your way for him.

But it's not his work. It's his total choice to offload the intense hours to OP. That's the whole point.

Why should OP be forced to eat to his schedule. People often eat at different times, don’t see the issue?

Yanbu
Sounds like hes avoiding the witching hour.
Thats the hardest part of the day when you have young children.
As you like the gym too why not draw up a rota you each go out at 6pm two or three times a week and leave the other one to it?
Of course going to gym with friends is nice but how often is he doing it.
Could he go at 6am twice a week and catch up with friends at 6pm once a week?

YANBU - when I had a newborn and 3 year old, DH decided this was the exact time to spend his first hour at home, aka busiest time off day with the kids, to take down half dozen dying trees at the back of our garden. I do wish I'd had the wherewithal to tell him to please let that job wait!

I’ve never eaten later than 6:30 ever. I hate eating later it stops me sleeping.

Also who wants to faff with clearing up after that time.----

I’m going to go against the grain. I have to do the gym in the morning. It’s the best time for me because I work better and it sets up my day to be more productive. My husband is a slow riser and finds the mornings difficult & he prefers to go after work. However, my kids are not little but if they where I think we’d have an ageeement that he’ll do the morning getting the kids ready etc and I’d do the evening.

how old is your baby? I would suggest dinner is done before he leaves. If not I’d just wait till he’s back. He does bedtime routine, he cooks and he helps with the household jobs. Maybe suggest he takes her somewhere on the weekend like swimming so you can get a bit of time to yourself

@MikeRafone

eating dinner together each night isn’t the best all and end all, I often eat separately to my husband if one of us is at the gym or otherwise engaged. Eating separately doesn’t mean living like a single person 🙄

I wonder if he is not just meeting his male mates, could there be a female involved?

@BrendaSmall

most people are still at work at 5pm

you are not a default parent. He does the mornings, he does the majority of the cooking )or is happy to), he does the bedtime routine & he helps around the house. Why is the weekends being looked at who has the baby. Cant you all do things together as a family. Like take baby swimming or for a walk. Having a baby is hardwork but a default parent is the one that does the absolute majority of everything. Like the school run, bedtime, the cooking, the cleaning up after everyone. I mean absolutely doing everything on your own. I just think if you’re both working full time days then he must be doing his fair share