Should I be proud or angry??

[Seymorbutts]

My 14 yo son is a blackbelt in Taekwondo. He worked really hard to get there, has always had a lot of discipline and regularly competes in competitions. It’s been drilled into him by his teacher and myself that the best way to avoid physical conflict is to walk away and Taekwondo also taught him de-escalation techniques and how to avoid getting into fights. It’s a sport for him. He’s never been in a fight other than the odd push or shove in the playground in his life…until the other day. A boy in the year above him has been “hassling” him for months, as he puts it. I’d call it bullying. He’s had racist abuse from this boy (DS is mixed race in a very white school) I’ve spoken to the school about this, nothing ever seems to change. The boy’s deliberately tripped him up a number of times, causing him to fall, taunts him, steals & hides his schoolbag, and has shoved him more than once. From what I know DS gives back as good as he gets verbally but has never retaliated physically. The other day however, this boy shoved him hard (not just according to DS, multiple witnesses also) against his locker and called him a horrible racial slur and DS finally cracked. He floored him with a kick to the head! The boy wasn’t knocked out or anything and according to DS he didn’t kick with full force but it did knock him to the ground. There was no real damage done, it wasn’t severe enough for him to go to hospital or even go home from school (the school didn’t find out about the incident till much later in the day). I’m in conversation with the school about it now and DS is temporarily suspended pending a final outcome but the other boy hasn’t been suspended. AIBU to be backing my son here? The other boy started it - he got physical first, my son was defending himself, he’s been bullied by this boy for months (who is far bigger and stronger than DS) including being racially abused and the school did nothing about it. IMO this boy had it coming. DS also used a controlled kick, deliberately designed not to do severe damage. I’d never usually defend my son using violence, other than in self-defence, especially because of how highly trained he is, but in this situation I feel it was warranted. As a black woman, if someone called me what that boy called my son (especially if they also shoved me like he did) I can’t say they wouldn’t get a flying kick to the head either! For that reason alone I can’t condemn him for doing what he did. I do feel uncomfortable with condoning violence but I also feel proud my boy stood up for himself AND managed to have the discipline in the heat of the moment not to hurt him more severely (which he definitely could of done). And part of me feels like saying to the school, well if you let racism go unchecked what did you think was going to happen?! Needless to say the boy won’t be bothering him again and he’s now a bit of a hero around school!

Because it’s always the one who retaliates that gets punished….
Why I have no idea.

But it’s sending g the wrong message all the way. Esp when racial abuse is involved too.
what the school is saying to the bully is ‘if you racially insult black kid, bully him, then you want be punished. He will’

The first thing you need to do is look up their complaints policy and follow it regarding the lack of action taken to address the bullying. You need request a meeting with the school to discuss the incident and defend your child as if your life depends on it.

If you accept for one second your child was to blame he will have a suspension on his permanent record and the other child will walk with no consequences.

Under the circumstances, physical retaliation – absolutely justified. But to the head – no. Even if it was controlled, it's just too dangerous, it's never worth the risk of something catastrophic. The school have been useless and I'm not surprised he retaliated. I would support that too. But a kick to the body, not the head. Never the head.

Kicks to the head make me nervous to hear about. But otherwise well done to your son. It sounds like the school just has not addressed the issue in any way.

Sometimes it's a case of do or die. Your son was acting in self defence.
School needs to address the racist bullying asap.

FAFO 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I'd be sticking up for my son. You gave the school ample chance to handle the racist bullying and they didn't. Please ensure that is adequately recorded in your correspondence with them, which you've hopefully done in writing.

Why hasn't the other boy been suspended? I'd be querying that, especially as there are witnesses. And especially given their poor form on tackling the bullying.

A kick to the head is not ideal, but I'm fine with my children defending themselves. I urge them not to start anything in school, but they're no-ones's punching bag.

I really feel for your son, but if he was mine I'd be taking it very seriously for his own sake.

This time no one was seriously hurt, but if he did it again, they could be. Regardless of how horrible the other boy is, it would be your son facing a potential criminal record (or even prison).

Don't overestimate his level of control. My uncle was a black belt who competed regularly. He accidentally broke his best friend's leg sparring. It can happen even in a friendly fight, once you add anger into the mix you are in very dangerous territory.

I'd absolutely be escalating things with the school with regards to the bullying though. This boy has used racial slurs which makes it a police matter if they can't get their act together.

I was in a similar situation to your son. I had two years worth of entries logging the bullying I experienced, finally cracked and booted the lad in the knee, mainly out of fear if I did something that was linked to my martial arts, they'd kick me out.

The school threatened to expel me as 'he's had a hard life and you should know better'. It ended with my father having a meeting with the head and threats of the police being called for the sexual assaults I was experiencing daily. Maybe you need to focus the schools thoughts on allowing racist assaults to be committed. Has your son been logging the incidents? (text messages if nothing else?). I think you need to be showing the school this was a final straw of multiple criminal activies by the bully that they haven't dealt with, rather than merely bullying and boys being boys.

If I could see where people were, what obstacles were around, what space they were in etc then yes I could tell you. I'm sure taekwondo teaches other defensive moves.

I'm not going to just guess a completely imagined scenario so you can pretend that literally the only move possible was 'kick in the head and risk a criminal conviction'. That would be incredibly pointless.

"DS also used a controlled kick, deliberately designed not to do severe damage. I’d never usually defend my son using violence, other than in self-defence, especially because of how highly trained he is, but in this situation I feel it was warranted."

I would suggest anyone who thinks that the OP's DS's 'kick to the head' was not executed without great skill, judgment, precision and control, to check out "Control and Technique" in practicing Taekwondo.
This means the kick was carried out to prioritise a clean technique: speed, over maximum power, fast, rather than powerful, which would, in that case, incapacitate and purposely injure an opponent, which it did not do.

OP's DS , judging from the outcome, has exhibited his ability and skill in regulating the force he used to defend himself to prevent serious injury to his opponent.

@Seymorbutts my answer to your original question about proud or not of your ds.
id tell him I’m both.
Proud that he made a stand for himself and defended himself from physical assault.
Proud that he controlled his kick
not so proud he hit him on the head. Too dangerous for all parties involved. The bully and him.
Id encourage him to just accept whatever punishment the school decides on whilst knowing you have his back fully - ie you’re doing everything possible to hold the school into account re their failures to deal with the bullying.
id also want to know how the bully is going to be punished for tge racial slurs, physical assault etc… I mean if your ds is being punished fir assaulting the other teen Regardless of the self defence aspect, then so should tge bully right?

Note these 2 issues should be treated separately even though it’s obvious they are linked

It’s just weird.

Everybody commenting that the kick could have resulted in serious harm but so could the shove (and the ongoing abuse.)

They should both be out on suspension.

He shouldn’t have done it, but that bully will not bully anyone ever again.

Your child should never have been put in that position in the first place. The school hasn't dealt with this properly at all.

He will. He''ll just pick on someone else instead.

A kick to the head!

He is going to be lucky if he is not expelled.

Fine he stood up for himself. A kick to the head just no.

Your so was stupid using his skills - all the school will see now is that he used his martial arts skills to kick another child in the head. The bullying and racism will become the minor issue

Frankly OP your son's approach was commendable and I would tell him that. Having been a teacher on the receiving end of sexual aggression from a student, and tried to sort it out in civilised fashion (didn't work, things got worse), I was grateful to the beefy student who came to my rescue and put the fear of god into the abuser one dark night by (in rescuer's words) "putting him up against a wall and teaching him a lesson". Rescuer told me "It's the only language people like that understand" and sadly it's true in many cases. Abuser suddenly learned manners and never presented any trouble thereafter.

Having said that, your son's school is at fault for letting the abuse persist, and I'd escalate your complaints as far as you can and maybe even go to the media if the school stonewalls you.

Exactly this. Now the issue is 'two fighting boys' in the eyes of the school, not one racist repeatedly bullying another child. I know it's not easy and they won't want to deal with it but OP's best bet is to become a pain in the backside to the school and press them constantly for what they're doing about racist abuse.

I hope he hasn't made the other boy feel that the only response for HIM is to escalate things even more. He could be the sort of coward that can't stand being shown up in front of others and want to prove a point.

I always told my DSs not to start a fight, but if they were attacked and needed to fight back then I would have their back. Your son sounds great.

Agree with this.

I would also be telling my DS he wasn't right to use force, and then (like others) promptly reward him with his favourite takeaway.

The school - I would be pushing very very hard for what they intend to do about the ongoing racism and bullying. I would ensure they understood that it was down to them refusing to acknowledge any problem, that led to my DS solving the problem for himself. I suspect quite effectively.

The school have let your son down but ultimately your son could have killed the lad if he had hit his head on concrete. Seen it so many times a single punch or kick leading to a traumatic brain injury. Both therefore in the wrong.

Well done your son, the little shit bully didn't expect him to retaliate but he did and now the little shit bully will leave your son alone.
Be Proud

I think that the racist bullying is appalling and should have been dealt with by the school. The bully sounds hideous but you cannot condone a kick to the head. That’s so dangerous. A kick maybe, but not to the head.
It wont have done any good either as the bully, the school and his family will see him as the victim now.

You clearly don’t know the sport… a black belt knows how to control a kick in this way.

@Seymorbutts my son is a black belt. And he also knows that it’s not to be used in temper… but in these circumstances I’d back him to the hilt. And I bet that kid leaves him alone now..

Kid had it coming, well done your boy.