Should I be proud or angry??

[Seymorbutts]

My 14 yo son is a blackbelt in Taekwondo. He worked really hard to get there, has always had a lot of discipline and regularly competes in competitions. It’s been drilled into him by his teacher and myself that the best way to avoid physical conflict is to walk away and Taekwondo also taught him de-escalation techniques and how to avoid getting into fights. It’s a sport for him. He’s never been in a fight other than the odd push or shove in the playground in his life…until the other day. A boy in the year above him has been “hassling” him for months, as he puts it. I’d call it bullying. He’s had racist abuse from this boy (DS is mixed race in a very white school) I’ve spoken to the school about this, nothing ever seems to change. The boy’s deliberately tripped him up a number of times, causing him to fall, taunts him, steals & hides his schoolbag, and has shoved him more than once. From what I know DS gives back as good as he gets verbally but has never retaliated physically. The other day however, this boy shoved him hard (not just according to DS, multiple witnesses also) against his locker and called him a horrible racial slur and DS finally cracked. He floored him with a kick to the head! The boy wasn’t knocked out or anything and according to DS he didn’t kick with full force but it did knock him to the ground. There was no real damage done, it wasn’t severe enough for him to go to hospital or even go home from school (the school didn’t find out about the incident till much later in the day). I’m in conversation with the school about it now and DS is temporarily suspended pending a final outcome but the other boy hasn’t been suspended. AIBU to be backing my son here? The other boy started it - he got physical first, my son was defending himself, he’s been bullied by this boy for months (who is far bigger and stronger than DS) including being racially abused and the school did nothing about it. IMO this boy had it coming. DS also used a controlled kick, deliberately designed not to do severe damage. I’d never usually defend my son using violence, other than in self-defence, especially because of how highly trained he is, but in this situation I feel it was warranted. As a black woman, if someone called me what that boy called my son (especially if they also shoved me like he did) I can’t say they wouldn’t get a flying kick to the head either! For that reason alone I can’t condemn him for doing what he did. I do feel uncomfortable with condoning violence but I also feel proud my boy stood up for himself AND managed to have the discipline in the heat of the moment not to hurt him more severely (which he definitely could of done). And part of me feels like saying to the school, well if you let racism go unchecked what did you think was going to happen?! Needless to say the boy won’t be bothering him again and he’s now a bit of a hero around school!

It’s sounds like your son handled the situation perfectly especially as the school has seemly done nothing to stop the bullying towards him. Hopefully they go easy on him and hopefully the bully will have learnt a lesson and will lay off your son.

The school should have had the boy and his parents in to talk about the bullying and racial abuse from the first time it was made known to them. There is no excuse. You should be proud, your kid handled the situation incredibly well.

I would demand that the other boy be suspended for the same amount of time whilst they investigate what happened. I feel so angry that this crap is tolerated and not dealt with swiftly. Hopefully that little jerk walks away with his tail between his legs when he sees your son walking down the hall at school next.

Go to the chair of governors with your evidence of what the school has failed to do. Inform OFSTED as your child has been let down and felt he needed to resort to this, Don’t take this lying down. You may wish to look at your options re: schools.

You have every right to be proud of your boy!! He put his faith in his school to tackle the bullying in the right way and they have let him down; I would tell the school this. I bet this boy will leave him alone now!

I think you should be really proud of yourself and your son, and angry for the nonchalant and dismissive attitude of these teachers and these other posters regarding your son's safety. Some people here don't seem to recognise that your son was seriously violently assaulted first and acted in self defense. A locker is a large metal box, hitting your head on there could easily cause concussion or worse, yet its minimised horribly on here. I'm so sorry for you both, its just not OK at all.

Yes. Ask why the school is condoning racist behaviour. Take it up the food chair, even council and.mp.

Your son hasn’t done anything wrong! He’s defended himself.

However I will say that you haven’t advocated very well…. When my daughter was being bullied I was in that school constantly, emailing, etc… had meetings with her teacher… when it didn’t stop I lodged a formal complaint about the little cow who was physically and verbally abusing my DD. The bullying stopped overnight! It seems that school don’t really act until you lodge a formal complaint, they then have to document exactly what they’ve done to resolve the complaint!

In your shoes I would be lodging a complaint now…. Start the letter very clearly stating that you are lodging a formal complaint … state their bullying policy which should be on their website, state that you have complained several times about this boy bullying your son… I wrote in mine that after x time of being bullied and school doing nothing to stop this girl, that my DD (who is a tall solid girl) had my full support if she retaliated and ‘took matters into her own hands’… I stated very clearly that this bully had been getting away with this in both mine and my DD’s eyes and that if school weren’t helping, she will eventually reach her breaking point and possibly floor this child… I asked for a meeting with the head and magically this kid stopped… wouldn’t even look in the direction of my DD anymore!

Anyway my advice is to call an urgent meeting, but put a complaint in by letter first. At the end of the letter ask for the parent governors contact details and also state very clearly that this kid has been racially abusing your son and state that the bullying and harrassment towards your son is a hate crime and illegal!

I would say though that your son probably shouldn’t have done a kick to the head, has he not been taught how to disable? So in a swift movement get the boy on the floor face down in a restraint? I would imagine that. Would’ve worked well?

in seniors my DD was threatened by a group of lads, quite horrifically…. I emailed school straight away as she’d reported it but nothing seemed to have been done… then once home I just felt the threats were such that I called the police!

if the billing continues put in official complaints EVERY single time … if after a couple school still do nothing then file a police report!

Ex teacher here!
well done son . Sounds like he did everything he could to avoid this .
make sure you have governors hear your side .
I hate bullying . And racial slurs are hideous. The mental damage from bullying can disable you for life .
school were not doing their duty .
get free 30 mins of want with solicitor

@Seymorbutts in the complaint use powerful words like (boys name) has been BULLYING my son for x amount of months… His behaviour towards my son is ABUSE, the racial context of the ABUSE is A HATE CRIME…
look up the law and copy and paste it into the complaint, for example write
The law states that ‘then copy and paste the hate crime legislation in’…

If you emailed in before about the bullying write ‘I have informed the school by email on several occasions regarding (boys name) bullying (sons full name), I emailed on (list dates) clearly stating that (boys name) was physically, verbally and racially abusing (sons name)

Ask then why they have not acted in any way to stop this abuse, and when (your sons name) has finally cracked and reacted in self defence it is him who is suspended and not the abuser!

put it all clearly in writing stating it is a formal complaint, address it to the head teacher and mark as private and confidential, also ask for a meeting with the head and make it very clear that you expect your son back in school asap and that no bully should be preventing your son accessing education.

Ask for the parent governors contact details and also ask for the contact details of OFSTED!

Well, FAFO, innit? I'm proud of him and I don't even know him.

I'd ask for a copy of the schools bullying policy as a starting point. Detail where it hasn't been followed and raise a formal complaint. I'd also be inclined to say that since the school has failed to deal with the racist abuse your son has experienced consistently you'll need to report it to the police as a hate crime and report the school for failing to deal with a hate crime.

I would be proud that your son has held so much restraint this far, but I would still be angry because if he had seriously hurt the other child with a head impact the consequences to that could have been severe for both of them and I would talk to him about the cases where one punch has killed either due to the impact or how the person fell after impact so he knows how serious that can be when it goes wrong. But he was right to stand up for himself when the school has consistently failed to safeguard him.

I think your son has shown great restraint. The school have not been doing their part.
However, and I say this out of care, while I think your son was in the right to push back, for his own sake I'd advise him to never kick to the head. Even if he did it strategically and without enough force to cause damage, all it takes is in the wrong spot or the boy falling to the ground in the wrong way and serious injury or death could occur. Even if nothing happened legally, that's a lot of guilt for a person to carry from a young age

Too right the bully won't ever go near your son again .
Similar happened to my son at school he is 25 now but he had someone verbally abusing him for months and one day he just snapped and floored him.
My son wasn't suspended but the teacher called me to say we don't condone violence they were surprised at my son as he is very laid back .
I too had the same conversation as you in that my son was pushed to his limits they tried to make excuses for the bully by saying he was having family problems so that doesn't mean he can verbally abuse my son to the point where he had enough.
I'm proud of your son for letting this bully know he is no longer taking his abuse the school is also to blame for allowing the escalation .
No blame on your boy xx

Angry at the school for sure! Your son was being racially abused for months and the school did sweet f all. Your son eventually retaliated and now he’s in trouble. But the other lad isn’t in trouble at all. How is that fair?

Personally I believe your DS has every right to defend himself after all of this. However, I am not convinced a kick to head (no matter how controlled) was the answer. Whilst I am not against physical contact that is akin to what is dished out by the other person first, the head needs to be out of bounds due to the severity of what could have happened.

However, given the outcome, I also would not be seeking to punish him, it is clear the behaviour of the other child was escalating and he needed to take some level of action to curtail further escalation given the school have done nothing.

I would be emailing the school to ask for their bullying and harassment policy and put in a complaint to the school and the governors that, to date, you don't feel that your concerns (siting the dates you have raised these) have been dealt with effectively which has led to this point and that you expect the other child to also be suspended or your son welcomed back to school if they do not wish to have their position considered racist.

I think you should be asking why the school was so lacksadaisical in following up racial bullying that your son was unsafe and left to defend himself in this way.

And why the other boy isn't also being suspended for his language and ongoing bullying and harrassment campaign.

Go in hard.

And well done to your boy!

Completely wrong, your son is a trained fighter and should have known better, he could of killed him or seriously injured him, i understand why the school is taking this seriously.

The school should have dealt with the racism, I’m flabbergasted they haven’t as most school have stringent anti racism policies in place.

Too many woke people on here. Bully had it coming. School did nothing to prevent the bullying. If the bully is big enough to dish it out then he needs to expect it back. My brother was bullied as they knew he was a black belt. He finally fought back and nobody came near him again. Sometimes the bully thinks they are super tough when picking on someone with martial art experience. Well done to your son. Take the school to town for their lack of action on the racism

I love it when the bully gets a good hiding.

If thinking it’s wrong for a teenager highly trained in taekwondo to kick someone in the head is woke then I’ll take the label.

I'm so pleased you are advocating for your son. I was horrendously bullied at school and wish I'd had the skills to kick my tormentors in the head. No one not even my mum helped. The head of year just asked 'if I bring 'bully' in here and ask her, what will she say? Idiot that he was. My mum who was a tough cookie said nothing. I was terrified of her so said nothing. hope your son is completely exonerated.

There's only one wrong here. Violence is not inherently wrong, it is the intent which defines it.

Those people who think he shouldn't use his training to defend himself, what do you think the training is for?

Let me just go do a black belt so I can be told I'm too dangerous to defend myself against violent Racists? I find myself wondering why some of you would want to protect a vicious Racist. Maybe it feels like an infringement of your percieved rights?? SMH.

Go back to school. If the bully doesn't like the consequences of bullying, he shouldn't start with it in the first place. Nobody made him victimise her son. Surely, even a child could see that the gloves WILL be off if you disregard others' safety.

Even better, I really doubt that bully will be bullying anyone at all for a while now. I hope you'll get fully "in his corner" as your son navigates the aftermath of having to defend his right to peace and dignity.

Your son tried to avoid the other boy and tried to avoid responding with violence. You have contacted the school and they did nothing to support your son in the face of racism and bullying. The other boy should be sanctioned for his behaviour too.

The school were aware and let this escalate, they have not fulfilled their responsibility to either child, so I would make a formal complaint. Fundamentally your son is still a child and he has been pushed to the limit, the school should be ashamed!! I think you are being very measured in your approach.

At the end of the day, if bully is being vile and racist, when he enters the real world and continues to be a vile racist, there is a very real chance he will face some sort of punishment. Better he learns now. Should have kicked him in the balls.