Should I be proud or angry??

[Seymorbutts]

My 14 yo son is a blackbelt in Taekwondo. He worked really hard to get there, has always had a lot of discipline and regularly competes in competitions. It’s been drilled into him by his teacher and myself that the best way to avoid physical conflict is to walk away and Taekwondo also taught him de-escalation techniques and how to avoid getting into fights. It’s a sport for him. He’s never been in a fight other than the odd push or shove in the playground in his life…until the other day. A boy in the year above him has been “hassling” him for months, as he puts it. I’d call it bullying. He’s had racist abuse from this boy (DS is mixed race in a very white school) I’ve spoken to the school about this, nothing ever seems to change. The boy’s deliberately tripped him up a number of times, causing him to fall, taunts him, steals & hides his schoolbag, and has shoved him more than once. From what I know DS gives back as good as he gets verbally but has never retaliated physically. The other day however, this boy shoved him hard (not just according to DS, multiple witnesses also) against his locker and called him a horrible racial slur and DS finally cracked. He floored him with a kick to the head! The boy wasn’t knocked out or anything and according to DS he didn’t kick with full force but it did knock him to the ground. There was no real damage done, it wasn’t severe enough for him to go to hospital or even go home from school (the school didn’t find out about the incident till much later in the day). I’m in conversation with the school about it now and DS is temporarily suspended pending a final outcome but the other boy hasn’t been suspended. AIBU to be backing my son here? The other boy started it - he got physical first, my son was defending himself, he’s been bullied by this boy for months (who is far bigger and stronger than DS) including being racially abused and the school did nothing about it. IMO this boy had it coming. DS also used a controlled kick, deliberately designed not to do severe damage. I’d never usually defend my son using violence, other than in self-defence, especially because of how highly trained he is, but in this situation I feel it was warranted. As a black woman, if someone called me what that boy called my son (especially if they also shoved me like he did) I can’t say they wouldn’t get a flying kick to the head either! For that reason alone I can’t condemn him for doing what he did. I do feel uncomfortable with condoning violence but I also feel proud my boy stood up for himself AND managed to have the discipline in the heat of the moment not to hurt him more severely (which he definitely could of done). And part of me feels like saying to the school, well if you let racism go unchecked what did you think was going to happen?! Needless to say the boy won’t be bothering him again and he’s now a bit of a hero around school!

You are not unreasonable about the wider situation but you need to explain to your son that if he had timed that kick wrong or the amount of force and the bully had died or had a serious brain injury then it is your sons life that would also be over. There are going to be more situations like this in his life and he needs to know that it’s never acceptable to kick someone in the head.

Well you're not alone, my son has a yellow belt in Jiu Jitsu and also got in a fight at school defending a friend who was being bullied for being gay, he was also being dragged in to it and targeted for being friends with someone who was gay. He got suspended from school but school admitted that he had been heavily provoked (they had that documented in the weeks before) and then knew his friend was being provoked but that they can't condone violence.

I don't condone my son's behavior but loads of people came forward to tell me there sons had done in similar at school, even friends who are teachers come forward to say that yes it's scary but tends to be over with boys very quickly. Even the teacher who dealt with his suspension told him how he had been suspended once for fighting at school. I would hope if he has been suspended that his readmission interview will also say what they are doing to resolve the racism and steps your soon needs to take on the first day back as that is when it can all go really wrong.

Unfortunately this may impact his future in Taekwondo ( I have a 2nd Dan black belt who is an instructor ) and also a first Dan black belt in my family - the instructor may feel that your son has not shown the required constraint and therefore wouldn’t let him continue in that dojo (although I totally sympathise that your son was being horribly bullied)

How bad is it though that often the person who retaliates is the one who is punished, and often to a greater degree than the bully. Its bad when 8 year old children are noticing this in schools and wondering why a badly behaved kid gets away with everything but a well behaved kid gets hauled over the coals for any minor thing.

This should have been dealt with a long, long time ago and dealt with robustly - don't lose sight of that.

It's not protecting your son when one ill judged blow can kill someone. A kick to the head would never be seen as self defence...this is a very dangerous situation for your son. Notwithstanding the vile other party ..who should have been dealt with (and excluded on the facts you've shared)

Sometimes it’s all that works. They’ll think twice next time. I airways just hit back
Harder and bullies realised I wasn’t worth it as they’d get hit harder.

Can I ask what happened to the homophobic bully? Was he also suspended?

My son't Jiu Jitsu coach was more interested in what she could do to help including mentoring him and helping talk through difficult situation if he wanted to talk to her.

So by that measure the bully pushing the OPs son forcefully into the locker is also physical violence - so I presume you would have also suspended the bully?

Which the OPs son's school has not done.

@Seymorbutts - I would be proud of him if he were mine. I would tell him he needs to suck up the suspension - because violence is violence, and I would have words about not using head kicks should he ever find himself in that situation again, but I would not be punishing him at home, and I would let him know I was proud of him for standing up for himself.

However, I would also be kicking merry hell up with the school - assuming they are aware of the previous bullying, the racist language and the push into the locker, I would want to know why the bully wasn't suspended and what they had been doing to address the previous issues. I would also ask to see their formal reports that should have been made.

I would also be making it very clear to them, that should any further racist bullying occur along with physical kicks or pushes, you will be seeking to press criminal charges whether the school decides to act or not.

No definitely don’t punish him. Maybe advise not the head shot if there’s a next time but he doesn’t deserve punishment.
Had the school been on the ball with this it wouldn’t have happened, your ds wouldn’t have been needing to defend himself. He’s taught him a swift lesson with just one kick and could have kept going but didn’t.
Play stupid games and win stupid prizes, your ds will be the school legend now and good for him.
I would like to have seen the other kids face when he was planted!

Ps go into that school and create hell if your ds is punished and that other kid isn’t. That’s just wrong.

one punch deaths do happen , he’s a young teenager who lost his cool so was not in control and certainly not in control of how the other boy landed or the boys medical vulnerabilities

I would support the school sanctions verbally to him if it were my son and let it be a learning moment that violence has serious consequences but between just you and the school the I’d hold the school to account for their failures

how do you know the other boy is not being dealt with ? Chances are they will gather evidence and deal with him but you won’t get told

Fair play. The bully is in the find out part of fuck around.

i hope he’s not suspended for very long, it would be extremely unfair of the school to do that.

Do you have records of every time you / your son has reported the racist bullying to school. If so have them ready to use to appeal to the governors over the suspension if it gets extended / made permanent. The other boy sounds awful and I have no sympathy for him, and am amazed school haven't come down harder in bullying.

However, it's worrying your son's instinct was to aim for his head rather than defend himself in other ways, and you need to come down hard on how dangerous that could be. I know you say he did it carefully, but that's easy to get wrong in the heat of the moment, and also if he is thinking it through enough to hold back, he should be thinking it through enough to kick in a less potentially fatal place surely?

He was but my son threw the first punch and then delivered a couple more, also his other friend who had been picked on by the boy tried to help my son so DS got longer but yes the homophobic bully was suspended.

When we did the readmission interview school admitted that they had an open case against the bully and that a lot of things were going on in the background where they were going as fast as they could to take action it was just DS got there first. They were really understanding tbf. The friend is coming over tonight and my son always walk him from his house and back home.

How this is dealt with will be down to the schools policy on physical contact. The suspension simply allows the school to hit the pause button whilst they conduct their investigations. It can only be changed to permanent exclusion if new evidence comes to light during that time. You certainly don't have to agree with the school, but your son will have to do the suspension and the reintegration meeting that follows. At any meetings you need to make sure that the paperwork reflects what had occurred before this incident and what steps the school are taking to prevent it. I'm sure you've already spoken to.your son about the kick to the head not being appropriate. I had similar with my ds where he was pushed to his limit and the other boys parent launched a complaint demanding my son was removed from the school. As all the incidents of bullying had been fully documented then the school were forced to protect my son. But, my son didn't kick anyone. So, perhaps a word of caution to your son that even training won't protect him if it should all go wrong and what would his defence be if the other parents went for a charge of assault?
I'm not saying he was wrong, but from the schools point of view they will have to follow procedure otherwise another young person will think that it's allowed. Absolutely make sure the school are following procedure on reporting the racism and bullying against your son.

Your DS takes part in a martial arts sport, a sport that is not only competitive but also teaches discipline and I suspect, unless it's changed from years gone by he knows that he can get into trouble for using the moves outside of class/competition.

What he also knows and would have learned is how to control and defend himself, which in this case is what he's done.
I'd be pretty furious with the school that they have let this incident get this far and have ignored any of the contact that the other child inflicted on your DS and I think in this case i'd be supporting your DS all the way.

The other child should count his blessings that your lad is trained martial arts showed control and didn't take his teeth out while making contact with him.

Play with fire, get burnt 👍🏼

I moved my kids from there last primary school because of this. At 8 years old my son had been getting bullied on and off for months and the head teacher did nothing to stop it. He also got blamed for retailing and had come to the conclusion bad kids get nice things and can do whatever they want me to but I get in trouble when I try stop them hurting me. I moved my kids out to a different school at that point where bullying is nipped in the bud as soon as its starts.

That is no help to a teenage boy.

You need to go to the school and stand up for your son properly. Ask them what they have done to punish the other boy. Have you ever reported the bullying from the other boy? If not, why not?
Go to the school board and do a massive complaint. You can’t let this go. Your poor son has been bullied constantly And as one of the few non-white kids you’re showing him that this is just what he needs to accept in life. You need to be his biggest supporter. I think you’re white judging by your tone on this post - You absolutely need to advocate harder for him. You decided to have a child with a non-white person And now you need to make sure that your child is able to handle what it takes to be non-white in a white country. I’m saying this from experience because my son went through the same. The same kid was bullying my kid and my kid then retaliated and they tried to punish my child only. I was not having it. And I’ve talked to my child if anyone hurts you hurt them back hard harder - Most won’t agree with this, But no one picks on my son anymore. On the rare occasion they do, They definitely regret it after. I also got my son into martial arts from a very young age.

You need to cause a scene about this and do not let it go. The teachers are probably racist themselves - Please don’t delude yourself that racism doesn’t exist amongst teachers. I’m actually angry on your behalf.

Good on him! This is how a bully should be sorted. Report the school for allowing racism

Proud. I’d back my son all the way, and this was self defence. If he didn’t have the skills he does, it could have ended differently. Thanks to his discipline, and you enabling him in this respect, he has shown he’s no pushover. Good for him - back him up! 🌺🙌

Moral of the story… don’t be racist scum

I see where you're coming from, and I have some sympathy. However ... surely, as a black belt, he could have come up wth a self defense move that didn't invovle a kick to the head? Yes, he was controlled blah blah blah but.... well, that wasn't smart and just looks showy and dangerous and painful.

I think schools have to discipline for any and all violence so my response would not be to be pushing back on your son's punishment, but rather to be pushing hard on the fact that this other child's behaviour was a) not taken seriously even with complaints and b) he started it so he should absolutely be suspended too.

DS was in a situation like this a few years ago. He pushed back. He got isolation for a day as the school has a zero tolerance to violence. I thought it was a bit harsh, but as the two boys who were bullying him and who shoved him first got much harsher punishments, I let it go.

Good for him.