Page 13 | Should I be proud or angry??

Seymorbutts · 2026-01-13T16:54:56+00:00

My 14 yo son is a blackbelt in Taekwondo. He worked really hard to get there, has always had a lot of discipline and regularly competes in competitions. It’s been drilled into him by his teacher and myself that the best way to avoid physical conflict is to walk away and Taekwondo also taught him de-escalation techniques and how to avoid getting into fights. It’s a sport for him. He’s never been in a fight other than the odd push or shove in the playground in his life…until the other day. A boy in the year above him has been “hassling” him for months, as he puts it. I’d call it bullying. He’s had racist abuse from this boy (DS is mixed race in a very white school) I’ve spoken to the school about this, nothing ever seems to change. The boy’s deliberately tripped him up a number of times, causing him to fall, taunts him, steals & hides his schoolbag, and has shoved him more than once. From what I know DS gives back as good as he gets verbally but has never retaliated physically. The other day however, this boy shoved him hard (not just according to DS, multiple witnesses also) against his locker and called him a horrible racial slur and DS finally cracked. He floored him with a kick to the head! The boy wasn’t knocked out or anything and according to DS he didn’t kick with full force but it did knock him to the ground. There was no real damage done, it wasn’t severe enough for him to go to hospital or even go home from school (the school didn’t find out about the incident till much later in the day). I’m in conversation with the school about it now and DS is temporarily suspended pending a final outcome but the other boy hasn’t been suspended. AIBU to be backing my son here? The other boy started it - he got physical first, my son was defending himself, he’s been bullied by this boy for months (who is far bigger and stronger than DS) including being racially abused and the school did nothing about it. IMO this boy had it coming. DS also used a controlled kick, deliberately designed not to do severe damage. I’d never usually defend my son using violence, other than in self-defence, especially because of how highly trained he is, but in this situation I feel it was warranted. As a black woman, if someone called me what that boy called my son (especially if they also shoved me like he did) I can’t say they wouldn’t get a flying kick to the head either! For that reason alone I can’t condemn him for doing what he did. I do feel uncomfortable with condoning violence but I also feel proud my boy stood up for himself AND managed to have the discipline in the heat of the moment not to hurt him more severely (which he definitely could of done). And part of me feels like saying to the school, well if you let racism go unchecked what did you think was going to happen?! Needless to say the boy won’t be bothering him again and he’s now a bit of a hero around school!

Delphiniumandlupins · 14/01/2026 04:30

Mumtobabyhavoc · 14/01/2026 00:30

Of, course. But all the suggestions are about what the black kid should have done differently. All that does is allow the white kid to be the victim. Where are the multitude posts saying Jeezus that white kid could have killed that black kid?

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I don't think anyone is saying that the bully is a victim. People are saying that OP's son could have made him a victim if the kick to the head had landed wrongly. It was a risky strategy and he needs to consider a better way to retaliate in future. Actually, of course, he should never have been placed in this situation if the school had responded to previous complaints and hopefully he never will again.

Cyclebabble · 14/01/2026 07:35

Hi OP further to my earlier post, we asked before DS started school to see the policy on managing racism. This should set out how any incident will be handled. We reviewed and commented on it and the school were very receptive. Going back to the policy does mean you can assess how they have dealt with incidents in practice. I would have expected them to be asking other children in the class what happened and if racist terms were used. There would have been witnesses and they will speak. Sadly I am aware that in some predominantly white schools there will be a reluctance to do anything or admit there is an issue

BringBackCatsEyes · 14/01/2026 08:30

What are the guidelines from the taekwondo organisation about using head kicks as self defence?

LittleMG · 14/01/2026 08:39

I don’t blame him for hitting back and I think you do need to defend yourself from bullies. Ignoring doesn’t work. However did he have to kick this kid IN THE HEAD? but also must have been quite satisfying lol

LadyIrony · 14/01/2026 09:07

Clonakilla · 13/01/2026 22:11

Don’t outsource parenting to a karate teacher. What an immensely stupid post. At some point in the future your daughter will do this to the wrong person and her safety will be severely compromised by misplaced confidence in the powers of karate classes.

There is no such thing as a ‘controlled’ kick to the head that guarantees the other person won’t die or be severely injured OP. Your son’s life could be changed forever by doing this next time.

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I'm not outsourcing parenting to a karate teacher - I'm making my DDs understand that this is a skill, it can be used in the right situations, but I'm not the expert on that teaching and I'm not there for the conversations on how and when to use it.

And if you think I wasn't working with my friend about the out of school bullying, the school about in-school bullying, and my daughter about rising above the spoken shit, then you're wrong. But he got physical first and was going back for more when she acted. I thought she was in the right, his mother thought she was in the right - but I wanted the teacher of this particular skill to discuss with DD if the skill that they'd taught her was justified.

to be fair I have knocked 2 people unconscious in my youth. Single punch, not thought through but instinctive, and both times I was being sexually assaulted. Apparently I have a great 'get the fuck off me' reaction. So I do thing physical defense of self is allowed. And yes, as a first aider I did put both of them in the recovery position and watch them come round, advising them to get medical help if they had concussion symptoms

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 14/01/2026 14:00

A vast number of people seem to be preoccupied about "kick to the head" as their trigger: that might kill, that's wrong, that's disproportionate, and so forth.

But kick to the chest would be as likely to cause the bully to fall. Any blow might kill: head is not relevant, because any blow which causes the bully to fall might cause him to fall badly and break his skull or his back and die or be crippled for life.

Leave out the "kick to the head" as the thing that makes you think the victim behaved wrongly and what are you left with? After months of racial bullying, the victim finally hits the bully and knocks him down.

Do people really feel the victim is the one they want to blame, castigate and punish? Because that's what this thread makes it seem like.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/01/2026 14:24

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 14/01/2026 14:00

A vast number of people seem to be preoccupied about "kick to the head" as their trigger: that might kill, that's wrong, that's disproportionate, and so forth.

But kick to the chest would be as likely to cause the bully to fall. Any blow might kill: head is not relevant, because any blow which causes the bully to fall might cause him to fall badly and break his skull or his back and die or be crippled for life.

Leave out the "kick to the head" as the thing that makes you think the victim behaved wrongly and what are you left with? After months of racial bullying, the victim finally hits the bully and knocks him down.

Do people really feel the victim is the one they want to blame, castigate and punish? Because that's what this thread makes it seem like.

I just don't think life is as simple as one person being right and one person being wrong.

The bully is in the wrong, absolutely, but that doesn't remove any responsibility from the other dc.

I work in youth justice, so have worked with dc within the secure estate who have killed people in what seemed (at the time) like a normal teen fight. Their lives were ruined by it. Teens (particularly teen boys) need to be taught restraint, for everyone's wellbeing. So, I think sanctioning both dc is a reasonable response.

Blades2 · 14/01/2026 14:24

Seymorbutts · 13/01/2026 21:32

Sorry I had to post my OP then go straight out! Don’t think I’ll get through all the replies but thank you to most posters for confirming what I already felt - he had it coming and also relief and pride that my son won’t put up with bullies and especially racism. I had no idea every complaint about racism had to be logged. Is it just complaint or evidence-based incident? Because I’ve complained to the school before and been told that the boy’s denied it, there were no witnesses but that it would be “fully investigated” and often they haven’t followed up. The school is Catholic so while it’s still a state school it often seems to operate like it’s a private school and do whatever the hell it wants!

The best thing I ever did was remove my children from a Catholic school.
Would this be an option?

BringBackCatsEyes · 14/01/2026 14:42

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 14/01/2026 14:00

A vast number of people seem to be preoccupied about "kick to the head" as their trigger: that might kill, that's wrong, that's disproportionate, and so forth.

But kick to the chest would be as likely to cause the bully to fall. Any blow might kill: head is not relevant, because any blow which causes the bully to fall might cause him to fall badly and break his skull or his back and die or be crippled for life.

Leave out the "kick to the head" as the thing that makes you think the victim behaved wrongly and what are you left with? After months of racial bullying, the victim finally hits the bully and knocks him down.

Do people really feel the victim is the one they want to blame, castigate and punish? Because that's what this thread makes it seem like.

I really don't think you can blithely leave out the kick to the head. There are reasons the head is protected in recreational sports - in both guidelines of how the head can be hit in martial arts and the way it is physically protected by helmets and headgear.

Next time he might kill someone and his life will never be the same again.

Surely all the years of martial arts should have made OP's son far better able to take the bully down WITHOUT kicking him in the head vs someone w/o that training.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 14/01/2026 14:54

I find the obsessing with the kick to the head a bit disturbing because it seems to me to ignore the fact that any blow can cause the head to impact fatally with a locker, the corner of a table, the ground, or whatever else may get in its way as the person who has been hit falls over.

Yes, OP's son could (should) have kicked his abuser in the chest or the goolies rather than the head, but two things: one, that would not have been as impressive as a show of force in response to force and two, if the bully fell over because of that blow, the result could have been fatal just as much as the head-kick could have been.

The bully has repeatedly shoved the victim, and caused him to fall, and on this occasion had sent him flying into a locker. To quote the OP: "shoved him hard (not just according to DS, multiple witnesses also) against his locker". That is also dangerous behaviour and should not be ignored – as it seems the school is ignoring it, if the bully is facing no sanction for doing it.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 14/01/2026 14:57

Violence is not the best answer but if the school didn't provide a better answer, well done to your DS.

HelpMeGetThrough · 14/01/2026 15:17

The rights and wrong of retaliating I am not commenting on, others will do that.

What I would comment on as a fairly high Dan grade in Taekwondo is, if he needed to use self defence and he’s a black belt, his choice of kicking to the head (more than likely a turning kick) is not wise. He should know many other techniques just as effective. Regardless of the fact he used semi/light contact, kicking to the head in shoes is dangerous.

There is a reason why sparring kits are used in club sparring and competitions.

Lurkingandlearning · 14/01/2026 15:23

A kick to the head was extreme. Your son has been trained how to use less dangerous blows for self defence. Also, I think the bully would have needed to be more than arm’s length away for your son to have performed the kick. Depending how far, it might be difficult to claim it was self defence.

I’m just sorry he wasn’t shrewder and put the nasty racist thug down when he was closer and with a more tactical blow. I hope you have kept a record of the racism and bullying because as it seems the school leans that way too.

NoITHelp · 14/01/2026 15:36

Mumtobabyhavoc · 13/01/2026 21:58

Jeezus the white privilege is thick here.

Older bigger white boy abuses younger smaller black kid repeatedly. Black kid finally fights back and all people can say is the black kid could have really hurt that poor white boy. That black kid should have walked away.
That black kid needs to find other strategies to diffuse the situation.

So far the school has done nothing.

That white kid could have really hurt him.
That white kid should have left him alone.
That white kid needs to find other strategies to diffuse his anger.

Racist attitudes and micro-aggressions are pervasive and insidious and need to be called out.

THE WHITE BOY IS NOT THE VICTIM.

Edited

I couldn’t care less about the bully. What I would hate was for the white boy bully to have a serious head injury or even die, and then the innocent black boy victim be accused of a crime and his life ruined.

A kick to the shoulder etc, fine. Break his leg even, quite frankly I would ignore that. But a head injury and the end result of the black boy having a custodial sentence would be a travesty. I am not white and I am on the OP’s son side.

blackpooolrock · 14/01/2026 16:28

Everything about this thread is whats wrong with this country. More concern for the way the person hit back - even after many times they have been physically abused and mentally abused. Even after reporting it and it being ignored.

It's a common story in schools - they have no effective way of dealing with bullies. They can't exluse them, the LA doesn't allow them to do that. There is no real punishment for them as there is no discipline in class. Anyone who thinks being kept behind or getting told off for racism and physical violence needs to give their head a wobble.

Anyone who thinks oh the bully has hard life or is x, y and z and that's why he has done it - again give your head a wobble.

If the bully was hurt it his own fault. If you are prepared to inflict violence on someone time and time again then YOU have to be prepared for someone bigger and harder to come along and hit back harder than you ever have.

Comtesse · 14/01/2026 16:34

I would back my child to the hilt on this.

BringBackCatsEyes · 14/01/2026 16:49

blackpooolrock · 14/01/2026 16:28

Everything about this thread is whats wrong with this country. More concern for the way the person hit back - even after many times they have been physically abused and mentally abused. Even after reporting it and it being ignored.

It's a common story in schools - they have no effective way of dealing with bullies. They can't exluse them, the LA doesn't allow them to do that. There is no real punishment for them as there is no discipline in class. Anyone who thinks being kept behind or getting told off for racism and physical violence needs to give their head a wobble.

Anyone who thinks oh the bully has hard life or is x, y and z and that's why he has done it - again give your head a wobble.

If the bully was hurt it his own fault. If you are prepared to inflict violence on someone time and time again then YOU have to be prepared for someone bigger and harder to come along and hit back harder than you ever have.

Edited

I think what most people are concerned about is that if OP's son HAD knocked the bully unconscious, or given him concussion or killed him then his life would be ruined. I am surprised that considering OP's son has such a high level of self defence, he took this risk.

There is everything wrong with how bullying is tackled.
I am shocked that school governors would stand back and let racist persist.

rainbow9713 · 14/01/2026 18:26

I am not trained.... but racism without any physical pushing would make me lose it..... I am a Caucasian woman with 2 bi racial daughters. A kid on our street called my daughters the N word, safe to say the kid got ripped a new arsehole by me.
2 things I cannot stand are racism and bullying, hopefully this bully has learnt his lesson, and I would be asking the school for their racism policy. And also if they have cctv of the incident, I mean they have witnesses to say the bully was violent first..... and in the eyes of yhe law you are allowed to use 'reasonable force' to defend yourself. Which is what i would say your son did in this instance.
Okay your son being suspended I guess they have to, but I would be arguing the toss about why the boy who has been bullying for months amd being racist has no sanctions...... I would also go as far as asking for a meeting at the school with that boy and his parent(s).

Buffs · 14/01/2026 18:42

You articulate your case very well. Have you explained the situation to the school?What was their response? Presumably if the school had dealt with the racist bullying it would have never come to this.

HardyMauveQuoter · 14/01/2026 18:45

Bollocks. He had every right to defend himself. If someone hits/shoves or any thing physically, hit back harder. I'd be exceptionally proud of him and I'd back him 100 percent

MartySupremeisascream · 14/01/2026 18:50

I would not have had a problem with your son retaliating in some forceful way as this is often the best way to solve a bullying issue between teenage boys, however, kicking him in the head is far too dangerous and could have killed or seriously injured the other boy, even just as a consequence of falling down and hitting his head on the ground.

MartySupremeisascream · 14/01/2026 18:54

blackpooolrock · 14/01/2026 16:28

Everything about this thread is whats wrong with this country. More concern for the way the person hit back - even after many times they have been physically abused and mentally abused. Even after reporting it and it being ignored.

It's a common story in schools - they have no effective way of dealing with bullies. They can't exluse them, the LA doesn't allow them to do that. There is no real punishment for them as there is no discipline in class. Anyone who thinks being kept behind or getting told off for racism and physical violence needs to give their head a wobble.

Anyone who thinks oh the bully has hard life or is x, y and z and that's why he has done it - again give your head a wobble.

If the bully was hurt it his own fault. If you are prepared to inflict violence on someone time and time again then YOU have to be prepared for someone bigger and harder to come along and hit back harder than you ever have.

Edited

A kick to the head can kill.
OP's son could have ruined his own life and ended up in a detention centre for young offenders.

Chinsupmeloves · 14/01/2026 18:56

An ankle sweep or something less severe would have been better, any impact to the head could be unpredictable and damaging. Well done to him for the restraint he's shown and the bully won't be messing with him anymore I bet. Next time I would advise no head kicks! X

MartySupremeisascream · 14/01/2026 19:00

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 14/01/2026 14:54

I find the obsessing with the kick to the head a bit disturbing because it seems to me to ignore the fact that any blow can cause the head to impact fatally with a locker, the corner of a table, the ground, or whatever else may get in its way as the person who has been hit falls over.

Yes, OP's son could (should) have kicked his abuser in the chest or the goolies rather than the head, but two things: one, that would not have been as impressive as a show of force in response to force and two, if the bully fell over because of that blow, the result could have been fatal just as much as the head-kick could have been.

The bully has repeatedly shoved the victim, and caused him to fall, and on this occasion had sent him flying into a locker. To quote the OP: "shoved him hard (not just according to DS, multiple witnesses also) against his locker". That is also dangerous behaviour and should not be ignored – as it seems the school is ignoring it, if the bully is facing no sanction for doing it.

Edited

It's not "obsessing" - head injuries are more likely to be fatal.
OP's son has a black belt and therefore many other options to defend himself.
He went for the nuclear option and could easily have killed or left the bully with brain damage and be held accountable for that for the rest of his life.

It's important that OP speak to her son about this as he is very young now but if he does something similar again in the future, it could result in loss of life.

Personally, I would be meeting with the school principal to find a solution to the bullying /racism issue and probably looking for another school if it is pervasive.

OverVerdant · 14/01/2026 19:01

Well done to your son! That little runt of a bully had it coming to him and your son taught him a lesson. Your son did absolutely the right thing. There is no room for racism anywhere and if it's allowed in school, what hope is that that pupils will grow into young adults with a non-racist attitude. Your son deserves to be a hero.