Should I be proud or angry??

[Seymorbutts]

My 14 yo son is a blackbelt in Taekwondo. He worked really hard to get there, has always had a lot of discipline and regularly competes in competitions. It’s been drilled into him by his teacher and myself that the best way to avoid physical conflict is to walk away and Taekwondo also taught him de-escalation techniques and how to avoid getting into fights. It’s a sport for him. He’s never been in a fight other than the odd push or shove in the playground in his life…until the other day. A boy in the year above him has been “hassling” him for months, as he puts it. I’d call it bullying. He’s had racist abuse from this boy (DS is mixed race in a very white school) I’ve spoken to the school about this, nothing ever seems to change. The boy’s deliberately tripped him up a number of times, causing him to fall, taunts him, steals & hides his schoolbag, and has shoved him more than once. From what I know DS gives back as good as he gets verbally but has never retaliated physically. The other day however, this boy shoved him hard (not just according to DS, multiple witnesses also) against his locker and called him a horrible racial slur and DS finally cracked. He floored him with a kick to the head! The boy wasn’t knocked out or anything and according to DS he didn’t kick with full force but it did knock him to the ground. There was no real damage done, it wasn’t severe enough for him to go to hospital or even go home from school (the school didn’t find out about the incident till much later in the day). I’m in conversation with the school about it now and DS is temporarily suspended pending a final outcome but the other boy hasn’t been suspended. AIBU to be backing my son here? The other boy started it - he got physical first, my son was defending himself, he’s been bullied by this boy for months (who is far bigger and stronger than DS) including being racially abused and the school did nothing about it. IMO this boy had it coming. DS also used a controlled kick, deliberately designed not to do severe damage. I’d never usually defend my son using violence, other than in self-defence, especially because of how highly trained he is, but in this situation I feel it was warranted. As a black woman, if someone called me what that boy called my son (especially if they also shoved me like he did) I can’t say they wouldn’t get a flying kick to the head either! For that reason alone I can’t condemn him for doing what he did. I do feel uncomfortable with condoning violence but I also feel proud my boy stood up for himself AND managed to have the discipline in the heat of the moment not to hurt him more severely (which he definitely could of done). And part of me feels like saying to the school, well if you let racism go unchecked what did you think was going to happen?! Needless to say the boy won’t be bothering him again and he’s now a bit of a hero around school!

Well done your son!! Okay, maybe the head shot was unnecessary, but he's trained, he knew what he was doing. The bully asked for it, and got it, I bet it's a long time before he picks on someone else!

Way back in the late 1950's my husband was in a similar situation, but in his case it was because he wore NHS spectacles and was pretty skinny. After weeks of putting up with the bully he lost his cool and punched the lad on the nose. Copious amounts of blood. Consequences: Bullying stopped. School action, Non. Playground fights usually were solved with detentions all round, not suspensions. Sometimes a physical reaction is the only way the bullies learn to back off. Well done to your lad. Buy him a treat and make it clear to the school that your boy was fully entitled to defend himself and if anyone required suspension, was the bully. Be strong and if necessary take it up with the school Governors.

That's because kicking someone in the head is very dangerous and could have resulted in loss of life or permanent brain damage.

OP's son would then have been held legally responsible for his own actions and could have ended up being expelled and detained in a centre for young offenders. Anyone supporting that would not be acting in the boy's best interest and I would not recommend treating him as a hero for fear he could do it to someone else down the line and not be so lucky.

No but it will make the little arsehole think twice before bullying him again. I stand with OP and her boy and let's hope thats the end of it.

YABVU
Being trained and very disciplined couldn’t your DS have chosen a safer option?

Had the fall gone wrong and the bully banged his head badly it could have caused brain damage or death. Your DS would have had to live with that for the rest of his life.

It happens, I knew a lad who tripped on a kerb, hit his head and it killed him instantly.

My DS is tall and extremely strong and powerful, and I know a couple of times when he’s had to defend himself, he’s verbally warned them and if they haven’t stopped, he’s restrained them into submission (thankfully so far, because I know he could cause serious life changing injuries)

Equally, I’m fully aware how things can get out of hand at the drop of an hat, and instinct kicks in.

He’s a black belt and therefore knows how hard to, or not to kick, to cause serious damage. I would also say that the boy pushing him into the lockers could also have caused serious damage.

This points up what i am trying (clearly without success) to get through to people.

NotnowMildrid
Had the fall gone wrong and the bully banged his head badly it could have caused brain damage or death.

ANY FALL CAN DO THIS. A blow to the head is not the only thing that causes a fall in which the head gets banged. Ankle sweep takes out legs from under someone means a fall means the bully could have banged his head badly. ANY blow can (and is probably intended to) cause a fall.

NotnowMildrid
It happens, I knew a lad who tripped on a kerb, hit his head and it killed him instantly.

Just so.

I don't think kicking him in the head was ideal, even though he deserved to have the piss scared out of him as being kicked in the head while you are standing up would tend to do, but since any reaction at all to his continual harassment might have caused damage to him, it's silly to be upset only by the words "kick to the head".

Did you not read what OP said, it was a "controlled kick". In other words, he knew what he was doing, and exercised restraint. He deserved everything he got, and some.

I suspect you are being a bit too passive here. Forget skin colour. (mine is pale btw). Your son has been subjected to harassment and incremental aggression. (forget the term ‘bullying’ - everyone seems to be bullied these days). This behaviour has been reported by yourself, yet apparently no corrective action has been taken by the school. After yet another incident in which your son has for the first time forcibly responded to physical assault - he finds himself suspended whilst the perpetrator goes unpunished save for the damage to his dignity. I would be presenting myself in front of whoever has taken this decision the next day DEMANDING that the decision be rescinded accompanied by a guarantee that there would be adequate oversight of pupil behaviour in future. Failing which you would take matters up with, school board, local politician, local press, and ultimately legal representatives. Your son showed restraint. You - Gloves Off!

Hi op unfortunately It’s the only way to stand up to bullies I’m sure no one will try it again. . If the school are fobbing you off take it to the governors the teachers tend to take more notice if there involved it doesn’t matter there are no witnesses your ds has told them and that’s all he should have to do. Next time threaten the school with the police as they will take it seriously.

My issue wouldn’t be the retaliation but the type. You can’t kick people in the head incase it was serious.

I would be very interested to hear the taekwondo instructor's POV on this. I am pretty sure they would not condone this sort of action.

A controlled kick would not knock someone to the floor. A controlled kick would just be like a gentle tap.

Hope you manage to get things sorted at the school definitely go above the school to governors about the bullying.

I’d be super proud of my son.

The bully had what’s coming to him, entitled little shit.

Punching someone in the face could also result in death if they hit their head. Slapping someone also could. There’s always a risk with any violence, even just pushing someone.

I would expect they wouldn't openly condone it no. But secretly, I bet they'd think "good, serve him right..!". Why is it people always try to make the aggressor the victim? Like clearly in this case.

Be proud that your son stood up for himself. A blow to the head isn’t the safest way to floor the bully, but in the heat of the moment, in difficult circumstances, he probably did his best.

Those circumstances would not have arisen if the school had dealt with the bullying and racism.

Be cautious about telling the school that he’s a black belt if they don’t already know - the law may view being skilled at a martial art similarly to carrying a weapon.

Proud and I think you’re a great parent to have encouraged him to be able to defend himself.
The other boy has technically broken the law with his abuse, it’s a hate crime, so I’d be tempted to escalate the situation because it’s the systemic and consistent abuse by that bully that led to this incident. It was completely preventable if the school had adhered to their anti bullying/racism policy, assuming they must have one.
I have a child of mixed heritage and I’d be furious about the lack of action and proud of her defending herself. I’d be escalating also, to board of governors, head and the council.
So sorry this is happening to you both, I am
ashamed of our country right now and this enabled racism.
Sadly I find many don’t understand or care enough if it’s not directly within their sphere of experience.

Good for him standing up to a bully
sometimes bully’s need to get a realisation and your son did it!

You post is contradictory, you said that your son ‘finally cracked’ but you also say he used a ‘controlled kick to the head’. It would seem that the ‘finally cracked’ was an emotional response and I wonder when someone acts emotionally they are not using their wise brain but rather the amygdala which is responsible for fight or flight, you son fought and used his skills possibly impulsively rather than being the calculated and controlled person you are trying to present. When someone responds emotionally there is no control and no conscious thought weighing up pros and cons. There are no winners here. Neither were right in their actions and whilst your son naturally defended himself it does not make him a hero! Sorry he has gone through this and been put in this position by the school, I would request a debrief with the school and for them to have honest and transparent reflection on both boys behaviour and how they responded right from the get go and how they would respond if similar was to happen again as they have a responsibility to both boys to ensure they act and behave appropriately and keep themselves and others safe. The school need to learn lessons here, that takes an honest and accountable senior leadership team but I fear they will try to do damage limitation and blame either or both of the boys.

Yeah I feel the same. Kicking a boy in the head with advanced martial arts training is never okay. Your son is effectively a deadly weapon and got very lucky the other boy wasn’t seriously hurt.

The other boy was truly out of order and the racism is abhorrent but two wrongs don’t make a right and your sons reaction was completely disproportionate in that instance (irrespective of what has previously happened he physically had only been shoved).

I think he needs to take responsibility for his actions and I agree with the suspension but the school also has a duty of care to your son and something needs to happen there.

Email the school head, safeguarding lead and governors and ask what steps they've taken regarding the racist bullying. This is so it's on record and they can't pretend that the racist bullying didn't happen. If you've got any previous email about the bullying, use that email to continue the thread. Also, ask how did they deal with the racist twit and what punishment he's been given for instigating an incident. Then report them to Ofsted just to turn the heat up a little bit.

Agreed but then they have both broken the law so that is okay?

A controlled kick after he ‘snapped’? So he snapped and was in control? The OP contradicts herself in her post:

Rubbish. There are plenty of instances of strong fit men getting angry and hitting someone, but they are easily big enough to kill them. They snapped but they weren’t going to kill someone. Ditto saying hurtful things in arguments you regret afterwards. It only takes 10 seconds of thinking to go ‘snapped but in control’ oh yes thats what happened. Most people can go I did that in an argument last week and I saw a story about that happening in the paper today.