Should I be proud or angry??

[Seymorbutts]

My 14 yo son is a blackbelt in Taekwondo. He worked really hard to get there, has always had a lot of discipline and regularly competes in competitions. It’s been drilled into him by his teacher and myself that the best way to avoid physical conflict is to walk away and Taekwondo also taught him de-escalation techniques and how to avoid getting into fights. It’s a sport for him. He’s never been in a fight other than the odd push or shove in the playground in his life…until the other day. A boy in the year above him has been “hassling” him for months, as he puts it. I’d call it bullying. He’s had racist abuse from this boy (DS is mixed race in a very white school) I’ve spoken to the school about this, nothing ever seems to change. The boy’s deliberately tripped him up a number of times, causing him to fall, taunts him, steals & hides his schoolbag, and has shoved him more than once. From what I know DS gives back as good as he gets verbally but has never retaliated physically. The other day however, this boy shoved him hard (not just according to DS, multiple witnesses also) against his locker and called him a horrible racial slur and DS finally cracked. He floored him with a kick to the head! The boy wasn’t knocked out or anything and according to DS he didn’t kick with full force but it did knock him to the ground. There was no real damage done, it wasn’t severe enough for him to go to hospital or even go home from school (the school didn’t find out about the incident till much later in the day). I’m in conversation with the school about it now and DS is temporarily suspended pending a final outcome but the other boy hasn’t been suspended. AIBU to be backing my son here? The other boy started it - he got physical first, my son was defending himself, he’s been bullied by this boy for months (who is far bigger and stronger than DS) including being racially abused and the school did nothing about it. IMO this boy had it coming. DS also used a controlled kick, deliberately designed not to do severe damage. I’d never usually defend my son using violence, other than in self-defence, especially because of how highly trained he is, but in this situation I feel it was warranted. As a black woman, if someone called me what that boy called my son (especially if they also shoved me like he did) I can’t say they wouldn’t get a flying kick to the head either! For that reason alone I can’t condemn him for doing what he did. I do feel uncomfortable with condoning violence but I also feel proud my boy stood up for himself AND managed to have the discipline in the heat of the moment not to hurt him more severely (which he definitely could of done). And part of me feels like saying to the school, well if you let racism go unchecked what did you think was going to happen?! Needless to say the boy won’t be bothering him again and he’s now a bit of a hero around school!

I felt sad for your son reading the post. He sounds like a lovely young man dealing with things he shouldn't have to. School are failing him.

Be proud and dont punish. Black belts can cobtrol kicks thats why they black belts. Shame on school. Its a lesson now to all the others kids stay away. Hes a hero cos the other kids know hes a vile bully.

I don't think that it helps to connect racism & bullying, it tries to justify something unacceptable in an unacceptable way - i.e. bullying is always unacceptable, racism is always unacceptable, this scenario is always unacceptable whatever spin you want to put on things.

I had a rule with my DDs that if they used their karate skills on anyone, they would have to explain and justify it to their karate teacher. If the karate teacher agreed it was the correct action and justified then I would do everything in my power to ensure no other repercussions happened.

DD1 had been bullied by a boy at school over an incident he falsified - he told everyone she'd kicked his dog to death - the dog launched at her and bounced off her foot, witnessed by his mother who's a friend.

We were at a park with a passel of kids and the boy shoved DD aggressively, and when the boy went to do it again she performed an excellent kick to his chest and launched him backwards. She took the opportunity to run away and get an obstacle between them. His mother and I took control of the situation.

She told her teacher, and that was the end of it for us, as the teacher said she'd done exactly what her training was for. Depending on the situation, and if you are confident your son followed all of the training, I'd do the same here and feedback to the school that you consider the matter closed.

you haven;t paid all that money for nothing

Personally I would be proud of my child for putting a racist bully in their place. Absolutely no need for racism it's disgusting. Sometimes action is the only way to deal with a bully unfortunately (may not be right but needs must when defending yourself).
That being said I would be having a good word with your son to explain the consequences of hitting someone on the head which he should know. That could have killed or seriously injured the other boy and your son would have that on him. People trained in martial arts can be charged as their body can be classed as a weapon. He could have used a different tactic which didn't involve kicking a head. He could also loose his license.
All people have their limits but I would absolutely be backing my child in this situation. Seems like the school have done nothing to protect him from this but he gets punished when he finally snaps. That's not right either and happens all to often.

This is sound advice.

MN seems to believe that real life is like the script to a bad American movie where the bully gets what they deserve and everyone claps.

But in reality your ‘highly trained’ 14yo went directly from walking away to kicking in the head (in school shoes presumably?) and if that had gone wrong and the other kid had hit his head on the way down your DS would be the one being interviewed by police.

I would be taking him to have a conversation with his taekwondo teacher - I think he needs to understand the real life responsibilities of being capable of felling someone with one kick.

I think you have other options besides anger or pride. I find it astounding how many mothers encourage their sons to be violent and never consider how it might play out later in life, and against whom.

Yeah, I would be proud. He was seriously provoked and reacted because the school have been so awful about keeping him safe.
Hope the racist bully has been humiliated enough to back off now.

It might be worth asking your son’s teacher to talk to him about ways he can avoid an attacker’s head, when it’s another kid, to protect your son from the consequences of seriously injuring/killing someone - punches (& I imagine, kicks) to the face/head are much more likely to result in tragedy than those to the solar plexus, for example.

You need to contact the governers, local authority and MP to demand an invesigation into why racism has been tolerated in the school. Sounds like an utter disgrace.

Haven't rtft but personally I think you should teach your children to retaliate when appropriate. Sometimes a good slap is warranted.

I totally agree with you. Your son showed great restraint and was defending himself from something that was again instigated by the other boy. Multiple previous incidents have not been addressed properly by the school. The school has safeguarding and child protection duties of care. Your son has been subjected to repeated verbal, physical, racist and institutional types of abuse. How has the school recorded and dealt with this to prevent and protect your son from harm?

Yes, as PP have said- your son could have seriously injured the boy with this isolated incident for violence from him.
I’d be pointing out the boys REPEATED and UNPUNISHED actions could have accumulated with your son being so distressed he became suicidal. All because the school had not listened to him or you.

If you’re part of a union at work you may be entitled to some legal advice on any matter. You don’t want to be unnecessarily heavy handed. However, previous evidence is the school doesn’t listen to or support your son, knowing he’s been caused under their care. This is your son’s education and future at risk. Shit like causes childhood trauma and can affect someone for life 😡

I’d secretly be very proud he dealt with his bully whilst being fuming that he aimed a head kick. When the bully was bigger than his victim, that was planned and premeditated. Which in law carries a greater conviction than self defence.

in terms of what I would expect the school to do, I would have documented each and every incident of racism with them up to and including this point to mitigate any sanction applied to my child. I would have been THAT parent (I frequently am). No, your son absolutely should not put up with such nasty attitudes. The other child needs to be held accountable for their behaviour. But, your son cannot be permitted to use such unreasonable force as a response, no matter how well trained he is.

This- in writing, listing the number of times I’d raised it with the school, the written it’s clearly established you ignore bullying and racism, I’d like you to explain why the difference in approach vs hitting back , or is this difference in attitude specifically driven by the skin colour of the kids involved? I want to know. It is very well established both in studies, policy and as general knowledge that bullying inflicts severe mental health damage on children, and you let my child suffer that. I’m a relieved mum that he has done what you failed to do and ended the bullying effectively rather than him becoming suicidal as many other bullied children have, but it seems from your actions that you’d have preferred that outcome. I am taking this to the governors and have also written my mp and am prepared to take it further. I do not accept that only my son is suspended here, the other boy should have been suspended a long time ago. I expect to hear from you within 24 hours.

Jeezus the white privilege is thick here.

Older bigger white boy abuses younger smaller black kid repeatedly. Black kid finally fights back and all people can say is the black kid could have really hurt that poor white boy. That black kid should have walked away.
That black kid needs to find other strategies to diffuse the situation.

So far the school has done nothing.

That white kid could have really hurt him.
That white kid should have left him alone.
That white kid needs to find other strategies to diffuse his anger.

Racist attitudes and micro-aggressions are pervasive and insidious and need to be called out.

THE WHITE BOY IS NOT THE VICTIM.

I was Head of Year in a Catholic High School for 25 years. Safeguarding meant every case of bullying and racism was recorded and investigated thoroughly.

Which goes for the bully shoving the OPs son. The bully was the aggressor. The OPs son was defending himself in an environment where he was not safe protected by the authorities

Im proud of him and u should be too and i wouldnt be punishing him. I hate hate hage bullies and have experience myself and my teen. I took her to.kick boxing lessons for this reason. Shes too frightened to use it but if she did id be proud

But there are many other ways to sort it and outside of school if your ds tries to sort issues with violence

Really? Well come on then, let's have a discussion of these ways.

The school was not acting on the physical bullying and the racist slurs. And schools do have form for protecting bullies (there's no evidence, nobody saw it, no-one else has complained) while punishing the victim when he/she acts in desperation.

In this case op's son had very little choice. The authorities were NOT supporting him, and the bully was just going to keep on pushing and pushing until something broke. He took swift and proportionate action to take control - good on him.

Don’t outsource parenting to a karate teacher. What an immensely stupid post. At some point in the future your daughter will do this to the wrong person and her safety will be severely compromised by misplaced confidence in the powers of karate classes.

There is no such thing as a ‘controlled’ kick to the head that guarantees the other person won’t die or be severely injured OP. Your son’s life could be changed forever by doing this next time.

I haven't read the whole thread, it's too long, so I apologise if I'm repeating stuff.

Unfortunately, it is very difficult to take action on incidents in school when it's just one person's word against another. It's incredibly frustrating. I'm surprised they haven't found witnesses though, it doesn't speak well for the general attitude in the school if other children aren't stepping forward to back your son up against a racist.

I would make it clear that going for the head is a terrible idea because it's very risky. Tell him that you're sorry he felt pushed into reacting with force and you understand why he did it but that he will have to take the consequences for that choice. I wouldn't give any more consequences though. I would absolutely hound the school to deal with the other child's racism and bullying and also query, given he got physical first, why he hasn't had similar consequences.

I’d be very angry that this issue hasn’t been dealt with by the school and has now escalated. No need to be proud or angry at your soon, it’s not that simple.

I’d want a face to face meeting with the head to ask how this issue is going to be dealt with going forwards now that it’s ramped up a notch.

He should be able to put the bully on the floor without kicking him in the head.

I would be kicking off at the school, it’s not acceptable for your son to experience racial and physical abuse and for them to not do anything except when your son reacts.
I certainly wouldn’t be punishing him at home. You can’t do much I don’t think about what the school want to do but I wouldn’t accept that nothing happens to the other boy

Deliberately kicking someone in the head is not priprotionate and the law would not view it that way.

It is not racist to point out that this DSs life would be completely ruined if that kick had resulted in a brain bleed, neck injury, or worse.

The bully has behaved unacceptabley and that situation needs to be dealt with. Absolutely.

The DS cannot and must not kick people in the head, whatever the provocation.

Both things can be true.