Should I be proud or angry??

[Seymorbutts]

My 14 yo son is a blackbelt in Taekwondo. He worked really hard to get there, has always had a lot of discipline and regularly competes in competitions. It’s been drilled into him by his teacher and myself that the best way to avoid physical conflict is to walk away and Taekwondo also taught him de-escalation techniques and how to avoid getting into fights. It’s a sport for him. He’s never been in a fight other than the odd push or shove in the playground in his life…until the other day. A boy in the year above him has been “hassling” him for months, as he puts it. I’d call it bullying. He’s had racist abuse from this boy (DS is mixed race in a very white school) I’ve spoken to the school about this, nothing ever seems to change. The boy’s deliberately tripped him up a number of times, causing him to fall, taunts him, steals & hides his schoolbag, and has shoved him more than once. From what I know DS gives back as good as he gets verbally but has never retaliated physically. The other day however, this boy shoved him hard (not just according to DS, multiple witnesses also) against his locker and called him a horrible racial slur and DS finally cracked. He floored him with a kick to the head! The boy wasn’t knocked out or anything and according to DS he didn’t kick with full force but it did knock him to the ground. There was no real damage done, it wasn’t severe enough for him to go to hospital or even go home from school (the school didn’t find out about the incident till much later in the day). I’m in conversation with the school about it now and DS is temporarily suspended pending a final outcome but the other boy hasn’t been suspended. AIBU to be backing my son here? The other boy started it - he got physical first, my son was defending himself, he’s been bullied by this boy for months (who is far bigger and stronger than DS) including being racially abused and the school did nothing about it. IMO this boy had it coming. DS also used a controlled kick, deliberately designed not to do severe damage. I’d never usually defend my son using violence, other than in self-defence, especially because of how highly trained he is, but in this situation I feel it was warranted. As a black woman, if someone called me what that boy called my son (especially if they also shoved me like he did) I can’t say they wouldn’t get a flying kick to the head either! For that reason alone I can’t condemn him for doing what he did. I do feel uncomfortable with condoning violence but I also feel proud my boy stood up for himself AND managed to have the discipline in the heat of the moment not to hurt him more severely (which he definitely could of done). And part of me feels like saying to the school, well if you let racism go unchecked what did you think was going to happen?! Needless to say the boy won’t be bothering him again and he’s now a bit of a hero around school!

Exactly this

I understand why someone would stand up to a bully but your son could have damaged his entire life if that kick had injured the bully. And its not too late for the bully to come back and say he's been getting headaches and feeling nausea and really going after your son. Your son may get away with it this time (hopefully) but I'd have a serious talk about how HIS future may have taken a very different path if the boy had cracked his head open.

I have a 13 yr old son who is kind and caring. I read this and imagined it was my son- I’d absolutely be behind him. Your son has tolerated too much-because school failed to handle the situation and he lost it. It’s completely reasonable and I’d be livid that your boy has been suspended but the other bo hasn’t despite racial abusing your son. I’m so incredibly sorry this happened. I would fight this.

I think your son stood up for himself to be honest and done it well, what was he supposed to do, just keep on taking this abuse from someone. My son also suffered months of racial slurs from another student and finally retaliated with a punch one day when he had had enough. Of course, he got suspended and the other kid got nothing because the CCTV couldn't prove that. We ended up moving my son from that school because they didn't deal with bullying well at all unfortunately.

He didn't retaliate, he was pushed and probably hurt and felt threatened - well that's what I'd say so he defended himself.

Why hasn't the bully been suspended?

School are crap at managing racism and bullying, when will they get it right. Bullying has to be dealt with.

My brother was bullied in senior school - we're mixed race - and this lad thought he could hit my brother. Well my brother defended himself and in the process the lad was very much worse for wear. His dad complained to the school (his son was busted up, black eyed etc) and the HT said your son is a bully, I've put him in detention many times for bullying the lad. He didn't learn and decided to make it physical. He lost. His bad choice. I am not taking action against the boy he bullied.

That was in the 80's and my only exp of a HT doing the right thing about bullying.

THE WHITE BOY IS NOT THE VICTIM.

Hardly anyone cares that the bully was hurt. He arguably deserved pain and humiliation. The fact he got it isn't what people are concerned about.

The concerning thing isn't that OP's son was fighting - it was that he risked causing the paralysis or death of a peer by going for the head.

It is not uncommon for head injuries to result in paralysis or death from one blow - sometimes due to the person falling badly onto something if not the blow itself. And then the son would've ruined his own life. I've been involved in cases where exactly this happened.
Bully ended up in a wheelchair and court cases loomed over the attacker's life for years. Everyone involved badly wished they could go back and undo it, but you can't.

Op's son would have been taught other defensive moves that aren't risking a brain injury or worse. I would want to explore with him as his mum why he didn't use those and went straight for the one that has a significant risk of ruining his own life. Not because oooh it might have hurt the racist a bit too much.

https://www.norfolk.police.uk/news/norfolk/news/news/2025/july/senior-detective-speaks-out-about-one-punch-killings-and-serious-assaults/

These are only a couple of examples, they are common enough that there aren't usually specific reports on them. There's even a charity called One Punch set up to raise awareness about this and support victims.

He's also a kid, and he made a measured choice in an act of desperation in self-defence while under physical attack. The attack was not an isolated incident. He has been victimized for months.

Your assertion paints the white attacker as the victim. It perpetuates the racist myth of blacks as aggressors and whites as their victims.
It feeds the narrative that whites should be fearful of blacks.

Sadly it’s the only way bullies leave you alone. I had to do it myself at school and almost ended up expelled!
I would continue to support him and back him up. Even if it doesn’t go well for him, your support will mean a lot.

Real life.....being nice, trying to be reasonble is sometimes not enough. Well done your son. We all bring our kids up to be nice and infant / junior school is all nicey nicey...then secondary school....lots of time with no adult ....between lessons etc i used to ask my child "has an adult spoken to you today"...no, so just other kids.
Kids can be pretty nasty to each other.

Self defence has to be proportional to be legal. A kick to the head isn’t a proportional response to a push, even a hard one. I would 100% sympathise but I would be very firmly drilling into him that a kick to the head is incredibly serious and he is lucky the boy is okay. It’s not about the other boy. It’s about protecting your child who is on the cusp of adulthood from potentially being arrested when the next time someone abuses him, he uses disproportionate levels of force.

It isn't a one-off. There is a pattern of race-based victimization. Proportionality may be applicable, but there are other factors to be considered, such as what happened after the act of defence.
Asserting proportionality is very interesting because it serves racial bias; it upholds unequal treatment based on race; it perpetuates stereotypes; it feeds the fear whites have of blacks; it makes racial minorities afraid to defend themselves against whites, which of course, ensures white superiority.

1. He is trained in martial arts and he didn't kick with full force - I don't think you are equipped to say how the law would regard it.
2. Yes, he runs a risk of horrible consequences. I don't think any of us have the knowledge to estimate how big that risk is - perhaps he is willing to take it.

Somebody earlier made the very sensible point that he must talk the situation through with his sensei, review his actions and consider what other options he had, so at least he can learn something from it.

But I go back to the point I made, which is that you glibly say there are better ways to deal with the situation, yet you have absolutely zero suggestions about what those ways are or should be.

Not a legal argument but if you add up the proportional responses he didn’t make to each of the bullying incidences, it would amount to far more than a carefully moderated kick in the head (it was clearly carefully moderated given the damage it didn’t do and the ops sons capability); this is a child, not mentally equipped to carefully ensure each individual reaction is below the proportionality level for that individual aggression. Team ops child who should never have had to be in this position.

And her son could have hit his head on a sharp corner and died as well. He showed lots of restraint and yet the bully kept picking on him so well done to him.

Bullies don't learn until you get back at them.

But I go back to the point I made, which is that you glibly say there are better ways to deal with the situation, yet you have absolutely zero suggestions about what those ways are or should be.

Low block (arae-makgi)
Middle block (momtong makgi)
High block (eolgul makgi)
Knife hand block (sonkal makgi)
Double blocks
Front kick (ap chagii)
Palm heel strike
Kick in balls
Kick in shins
Push into locker

Any move that isn't a direct blow to the head. It's the direct blow to the head and potential secondary trauma if he fell badly that is the risk here of serious consequences for the kicker.

All that might be true. But if it was my son, I’d want them to be safe not testing out defences with a lawyer.

Ahh, brilliant! Thank you.

I thought you meant external actions like:

• complain to the police (which I think op should do)
• raise a stink with the school about their lack of action (which I also think she should do) Of course these are long term actions and don't help with the immediate situation.

Agree with this. A kick in the head makes it sound like the son lost absolute control. Not proportional.

I don't feel sympathy for the bully at all. I wouldn't be angry at the son either. What I do tell my own kids, and what I think applies to this kid, is that they are the ones left with the consequences of the action and who will be punished if things go wrong. Even if they didn't initiate the problem.

Of, course. But all the suggestions are about what the black kid should have done differently. All that does is allow the white kid to be the victim. Where are the multitude posts saying Jeezus that white kid could have killed that black kid?

No it doesn't

It makes the point that self-defence can be proportionate and effective.

The bully is expecting a cowering response.

I would expect an adult with a fully formed brain and decades of experience to have the ability to remain calm and restrain the attacker in some way.
A 14 year old kid victimized for months finally fought back to stop his attacker. I'd say that's very different.
You are expecting the victim to be in control of the situation. In this case the victim is younger and likely smaller. It seems the threat was more intense in this instance and was the last in a series of attacks and slurs. The black kid has had zero school support. A previous report was rebuffed.

Oh well, the nasty wee shit will think twice before bullying anyone again!
Everyone has their breaking point and your son had reached his.

In today's news (from Australia) - CCTV of a man killed by a single head punch 😥

I'm in agreement with:

1. DS is brilliant
2. School needs a stern response
3. Head blow ill-advised.

The kid's only 14, he can't be expected to assess all possible risks - so this has been an excellent learning experience. He can work with his trainer on moves to distance, immobilise and/or humiliate his opponent without bopping them (my dad taught me a pleasingly effective arm lock, but I'm sure a taekwondo master can do better!)

He should really only kick, punch or jab an assailant who's doing it to him. His teacher can cover scenarios.

Meanwhile - well done!

I agree with pp's that you need to follow up with the school regarding the racism and bullying behaviour. And think it's OK to have mixed feelings regarding your son',s response.

But as his parent you need to help him see the risks involved in what he did. That kind of retaliation won't be a viable option later in life without potentially life changing consequences. Can his taekwimdo teachers be of any help at this stage? It make hold more weight coming from them.

I wouldn't begrudge your son his school legend moment, but for his sake that needs to be balanced out by a reality check.

You should be proud of your son. He deserves all your support.
And angry with the school for disregarding the bullying. I hope you help the SMT come to their senses with a serious talk about their lack of responsibility and leadership in their actions to date which your son had no choice but to take into his own hands and rectify.

Just also talk to your son about the possibility of perfecting some kind of self defence move that doesn’t involve a kick to the head.