Cried for 90 mins

[draft123]

Last night my little one woke and was creaming at 4.15am. I thought something was wrong but he just wanted to go downstairs. I tried to comfort him in my arms but nothing was settling him. Took him in my bed which he rarely comes into and we watched my phone. Probably shouldn't have done that but I can't stand his crying.

He wasn't sleeping but it was nice to have him under the duvet with me.

After 10 mins I put him back in his cot and his room. Same issue occured again - crying to go downstairs.

I just left him in the cot until he eventually slept at 6am.

I did go in one or twice into the room but honestly I can't settle him when he wants to go downstairs and I told him it's dark outside.

I was watching him on the room camera so he wasn't in any danger.

Did I do the wrong thing? Next door is hard of hearing so won't wake him. I live just with toddler.

And what should the 2 year old do if they are not tired and can't sleep? Stare into space?

Well @draft123 I guess you're starting to regret posting on here ! Some people are so judgemental - they can't give advice, they just want to put you down.

I had this problem with my daughter too. At that age they have to learn to put themselves to sleep (rather than the involuntary collapsing due to tiredness), and some find it difficult.
I never let my daughter into my bed (unless she was ill of course), and I never let her go downstairs in the middle of the night (maybe 6 am at the earliest).
I did spend a lot of time walking up and down with her in my arms saying over and over it's nighttime, you need to be in your own bed, you bed is your safe space, etc. Basically she had to learn that there was no alternative.

I don't think there are any hard and fast right or wrong ways to do this. Most parents muddle through doing whatever works for them. But fwiw I don't think you did anything too wrong.

What should the toddler do if he can't go back to sleep because he isn't tired?

I'm sorry it was so long and difficult for you. I think you did the right thing by not going downstairs, but you may also have rewarded him for crying in a way that means it might persist. I don't blame you but I don't want this to be your new normal.

There is a controlled crying method that can work but it needs dedication. You let them cry for a minute then go into the room and settle them matter of factly: it's night-time and we need to be in bed asleep. No cuddles or picking up. Then you leave and close the door.

The next time you wait two minutes and do the same. Then you can increase the wait by a minute every time or double it. You keep going in so the child knows you will come, but you lengthen the time between visits. And you always say the same thing.

I saw this on The House of Tiny Tearaways. One time it took a lot of doing this - over 50 times, but it was less the next night -15 times - and only once the following night and then they slept through. But you can't change it or stop it or you're back to the beginning.

It is how they learn to sleep on their own. They get the attention so if it's serious you are there to respond, and they know you will always come.

I hope you can get some peace with him.

Why wouldn't he be tired at 4am?

It would be a long, miserable day if he was allowed to get up at 4am and start the day when it's still night time, especially if he had a full day of nursery ahead with no naps.

No, it's not OK to leave your 2 yo unattended because they are inconvenient at that moment in time.

What time are you putting him to bed? He's clearly not tired at 4am, so you are probably putting him to bed much too early.

Oh no, you wouldn't encourage a wake time that early! Nobody would! Presumably the OP's child doesn't usually do this, and in that case if you've tried your best to get them back to sleep and it doesn't work then you need to get up with them. As a rare thing it's not going to teach them any bad lessons. If it was happening regularly then you'd need to try and identify the cause e.g. too much day sleep, too early a bedtime etc, and work on giving them enough sleep pressure to sleep at night. The solution wouldn't be to leave them to cry for an hour every morning until they learn to shut up.

By giving them a phone to watch?

As others have said you won’t get much support on here OP but mine are like yours and won’t sleep in our bed. For us when it takes more than a cuddle and a bit of soothing we try to redo the bedtime routine for us this is milk, story and teeth then back to bed. Usually they go back to sleep. I think it’s ok to leave them to try and self soothe for a short while.

Have you try white noise?

Are you sure you were asking for advice? Because you only seem to be paying heed to the rare posters that agree with you.

Lower sleep needs perhaps? Depends on his nap and what time he went to bed. Let's say he had a 2 hour nap and went to bed at 7, he could very easily be fully rested at 4.

Depends. Our little one's cot is in our bedroom, and so my husband and I honestly didn't really sleep properly for 2 years. We tried EVERYTHING. Still woke up up to 5/6 times a night and my hubby works full time. It was just batshit. Eventually, we had to do a sort of soft Cry It Out (and I NEVER thought I would be the kind of mum who would or could do that), but we were honestly on our last legs and our bub just couldn't connect his sleep cycles without us.

Turns out, yes, it fucking sucked on and off for about 2 weeks with a couple of nights where, yes, he cried for up to 90 mins - BUT now he SLEEPS THROUGH the night. Absolute game changer. He often still wakes at about 5.30/6am ready to go, but I'll take it. That's just his natural rhythm. We are all happier and healthier for it and I am much less judgmental about such choices now.

Having said that - I agree with PP's re what time your toddler might naturally rise, using phones during 'sleep time' and what message you are trying to convey to your little one. Consistency will be key. x

All children need different amounts of sleep. If your child is wide awake at 4am, they have had enough sleep.

Look up Night Terrors.

Ds had this often, starting at this age. They seem wide awake, but are actually in a sleeping state. Ds used to cry to be carried all over the house.

It's something to do with over active brain, Ds did get it more when over tired or had been very stimulated / excited.

I’d have snuggled him in with me, if it turned out he really didn’t want to sleep then 5am isn’t that ridiculous to wake up, my middle child was a 5am-er, just meant she was usually ready for a nap around 9!
I wouldn’t have left my child to cry either, nor given a 2 year old videos with a view to settling him back to sleep, that’s not going to signal sleepy time. If you want him to drift back to sleep then keep everything dark and warm and maybe something like a tonie box or sleep sheep?

Personally I think it’s cruel to leave a child crying by himself. We would comfort a grown up but we expect children to just learn to comfort themselves. I don’t get that logic.

I had the odd night like that with DS, where he just wouldn’t settle and kept crying. So I took him to the living room in the middle of the night, which calmed him down. He played for an hour or so and then we went back to bed. You could have just take him downstairs and once he was fully calm, gone back to bed.

Goodness you won’t get advice on here. You’ll just get judged and shamed.
Hope he feeling calmer this morning x

Fine to not go downstairs. using your phone is a massive error, blue light will have woken him up. I personally think leaving for 90 mins to cry is cruel. he was just awake, you can't punish that. You did ask for opinions. If this is regular, you need to look at his schedule as he's clearly not tired enough for the night (later bedtime, reduce nap duration). If it's one-off then just move on! if you were awake and watching on camera, I don't really see the point, it's not like you got any more sleep. just

Could he be coming down with something? My eldest was a great sleeper so when he woke in the night upset I knew something was brewing. TBH if you were awake watching him on the camera anyway you might as well have had him in your bed with you for cuddles/stories. At least that’s what I do/have done.

Is this regular or a one off? If regular, he either needs an earlier bedtime or a shorter nap. A gro clock also helps with teaching them when to get up, though you need to be realistic and start by setting it 15 minutes later than the usual wake up then changing it later slowly each night. If a one off, I usually find refusing to settle is a sign they're coming down with something. Though I am a bit surprised a 2 year 2 month old is still in a cot (admittedly both mine were climbers but they could escape it at that point) and can't safely get off a bed. Was that a typo for 1 year 2 months? At that age mine were in a bed, I just made sure their room was childproofed and put a stairgate across the door. If they did wake they'd usually find some toys to play with for a bit then go back to sleep.

OP I had years of getting up at 4/5 when my children were that age. Sometimes they wake up and you just have to get on with it. I wouldn't have left my 2 year old crying for 90 mins - I would have got up, put him in my bed or taken him downstairs to start the day very slowly.

You've said you're posting for advice, and are worried you did the wrong thing. I'd say yes, you did do the wrong thing, although it's absolutely not the crime of the century.

The mistake I think you made was showing him videos on your phone. It would've only stimulated him more, making it harder for him to go to sleep as well as making him think that it could be 'get up' time. You've said that you only did that because you don't like hearing him cry, but then you left him to cry for 90 minutes, so defeated the purpose.

You also said you didn't keep him in your bed because you were afraid he'd fall out if you were asleep, but then you said that you were awake and watching him on the bedroom camera, so you could have just let him go to sleep in your bed and sat up as you already were - or tried to transfer him to his cot once he was asleep. (Although at 2 years 2 months, if you have a pillow barricade so he doesn't fall out while asleep, you should be able to teach him to use plastic steps to get in and out of bed safely.)

But I think that if you know he's clean, dry, and not hungry, thirsty, or in pain, and just seems to be being wilful and demanding, then keeping him in his cot and sitting with him for a little while, and then leaving and checking on him frequently to reassure him that you're still there but it's sleepy time, is fine at 2 years 2 months. Personally I just used to have mine in bed with me because it was easier and I was a softie, but I know that doesn't work for everyone.

Bringing him into your bed and showing him videos probably just exacerbated the situation though.

I think he was crying because his 'want' wasn't being met. His 'need' is go learn that night is for sleeping not playing. I think most parents can distinguish between cries of frustratuon and cries of distress.

Or yes, put him in a toddler bed so he can play for a bit if you don't want to fully get up.