I can't tell if it is lovely that my dad has this friend, or concerning?

[Pollinaa]

My dad is 70, my mum passed rather suddenly in 2021. He was a professor for many years, often kept in touch with past students, he adored his job. In 2023 he decided to retire. My sister and I live very far away from him, I'm in the North East of Scotland, my sister is in Cornwall, we both have young families, we try to visit my dad at least once every other month each in London, so he should always have a monthly visiter, even if just for one night.

I have taken a couple of days off work to come and see him this week, he was showing me his Christmas gifts, and mentioned one from a woman I didn't recognise. I asked, he told me she was one of the last students he taught and they have remained friends, she has taken a job instead of pursuing a PHD right now so they enjoy some intellectual sparring.
She is 25, and she isn't from the UK so no family local. He told me he sees her about once a fortnight, often with her charming partner (his words). He mentioned she has a piano and plays guitar and is a beautiful player and singer. They exchange thoughts and any writing they have done, she takes him to talks as he has lost some confidence going out and about alone.

I can't tell if this is something I should be concerned about, or if I should just be glad he has a lovely friend. He has other friends he goes to the pub with.

I am partially worried she might have bad intentions and be looking for money, but I have no basis for that fear.

AIBU to worry?

She sounds lovely. If relevant I'm friends with an old teacher, about 30 yrs my senior. I just like him and enjoy his company and i believe he likes me in the same way. My DH sometimes joins too. Your dad doesn't sound daft. It's nice for him to have company other than pub friends, and if she's not from UK she may see him as an uncle figure type thing. Lucky them I reckon!

I would love to still be in touch with my professors from uni. I think its a meeting of minds, and their discussions will also be keeping his mind young. She bought him a gift, what was it? Did he say he bought her one? If they weren't mismatched in value then I cant see any problem.

She bought him some wine and food from her home country and a book. He said he "gave" her a rare copy of her favourite book, he told me he'd never much liked the book but had received it as a gift himself. It wouldn't have really cost him anything but would probably be worth a fair bit.

Yeah, do be careful.

As always, the usual suspects wil pretend nobody should ever be afraid, alert or prepared for scams or bad behaviour because they personally have lived unbelievably sheltered and fortunate lives and like to imagine everyone is terribly nice.

It could be innocent, but it is ABSOLUTELY ok to keep a weather eye out. He probably misses your mum terribly, he's old, his cognitions are not what they once were.

It does no harm at all to be sensible and view things through the eye of reality not the eye of sunshine, buttercups and rainbows.

I want to believe it's all lovely, but I understand why you might be a bit concerned. He is only 70 though, not 95. Does he seem to have hits wits about him?

He is still very much himself mentally, but he's lost some confidence being out alone so is more insular. I think he is starting to find London a bit overwhelming.

So you only want to see him once a month and don’t like the fact some other young woman is seeing him more. This reeks of guilt. Would you rather he sat staring out of the window longing for your brief monthly visit? Move a bit closer if you don’t want him to have the friends he’s chosen.

I think you may have misread the OP. He's 70 not 100. Lots of people are still working !& Cognitively just fine at 70.

There's no harm keeping an eye on it. If you hear about other gifts outside of xmas and birthdays then definitely investigate further, but if those things stay reasonable then its likely fine.

If you think he's still very much himself, then maybe you just need to trust his judgement. 70 really isn't 'old' these days.

Being cognitively 'fine' ' & losing confidence going out alone are two very different things. & the overwhelm in London is also very different.

People from many other countries often have a very different outlook on older people & value their knowledge & experience.

Maybe see if you can meet her & her partner next time you visit. Mention the lovely gifts she gave him & comment on the book (yoh like it too/haven't read it, type thing (just show that your Dad is open with you.

Nasty & missing the point entirely!

Tell that to the Supreme Court!

This is so mean. OP is just looking out for her dad!

Oh I didn't realise he was on the Supreme Court or we were talking about the Supreme Court.

Anyway, reality continues to be real. And saying someone will have some cognitive decline at 70 (which is a simple and undeniable fact) does NOT MEAN and DOES NOT SUGGEST they are helpless or hopeless.

But suggesting to someone that they should keep a weather eye out on their ageing father is sensible, realistic and fair.

As everyone already knows.

It may be worth money to you, but to your dad the joy was probably in giving it to someone who appreciates it.
I would keep an eye on him anyway, but if he is still of sound mind, 70 is not really old.

@casualbrowser sorry you have such a bee in your bonnet about this. Can't really understand why you're so angry.
OP knows her dad, and says he's cognitive fine but a bit less confident going out. I think we can probably put a bit more weight on her assessment of him than on your slightly shouty proclamations about cognition. 🙄

😂

Really good points

1. Dunno where she's from but it's true that many countries have much more inter generational living and also closer relationships across generations. I was shocked (and delighted) when I found out a very good friend of mine (Bengali) had called my mum (who she'd met once, and had her house phone number from a previous time I'd been staying at my mums) to wish her well after an operation. They had a good old chat for an hour apparently! Friend said totally normal to do that and thought I was weird for thinking it was weird ha ha.
2. Agree re meeting her casually if possible. Best case, she's nice. Worst, she knows you're in the loop. Just play it really friendly and assume the best because it would be awful if she felt you were accusatory if in fact she is just a lovely friend to your dad.

I think it's super nice she's encouraging him to go to talks etc btw. Reminds me of Kate Winslet character in the Holiday!

So, as above, he's old, he will definitely and irrefutably have had some cognitive decline by age 70 as that is a fact that cannot be denied...

If that's a fact @casualbrowser, you won't have any difficulty in providing a reputable source for it.

Jibber jabbering whiners?

This thread has taken quite the turn already 🤣

Anyway - she's not from the UK. Many countries outside the UK actually care about older people and have a culture whereby they all look out for them.

And it's a thing where students do keep in touch with their lecturers sometimes

Unless you start to notice he's worrying about money, no it's not anything sinister and you should be glad he has some friendship and can share intellectually with another