I can't tell if it is lovely that my dad has this friend, or concerning?

[Pollinaa]

My dad is 70, my mum passed rather suddenly in 2021. He was a professor for many years, often kept in touch with past students, he adored his job. In 2023 he decided to retire. My sister and I live very far away from him, I'm in the North East of Scotland, my sister is in Cornwall, we both have young families, we try to visit my dad at least once every other month each in London, so he should always have a monthly visiter, even if just for one night.

I have taken a couple of days off work to come and see him this week, he was showing me his Christmas gifts, and mentioned one from a woman I didn't recognise. I asked, he told me she was one of the last students he taught and they have remained friends, she has taken a job instead of pursuing a PHD right now so they enjoy some intellectual sparring.
She is 25, and she isn't from the UK so no family local. He told me he sees her about once a fortnight, often with her charming partner (his words). He mentioned she has a piano and plays guitar and is a beautiful player and singer. They exchange thoughts and any writing they have done, she takes him to talks as he has lost some confidence going out and about alone.

I can't tell if this is something I should be concerned about, or if I should just be glad he has a lovely friend. He has other friends he goes to the pub with.

I am partially worried she might have bad intentions and be looking for money, but I have no basis for that fear.

AIBU to worry?

I actually think that there is a huge difference between a 70 year old who has been around the block a few times and has had to work hard and done shitty minimum wage jobs to earn money and has mixed with all sorts of people and someone who has lived in academia their whole life. Only mixing with people who are similar to them

Bollocks. It's just another version of the one trotted out about teachers "not living in the real world". Nothing can be assumed about MW workers and their savvy and that of an academic.

I think if this has crossed your mind then YANBU to literally 'worry'. Don't let it take over your life or get heavy-handed with your dad about it, but of course you can monitor it.

I think loads of excellent points have been raised that should help put your mind at rest. The fact she has met your dad with her partner says to me that she is as much protecting herself from her actions being misunderstood as more than friendship.

I think these kinds of friendships across generations can be so enriching and it sounds like both parties benefit.
If you're worried, OP, it wouldn't do any harm to get a lasting power of attorney (you should do that anyway) and check his bank statements from time to time.
Also, would it put your mind to rest if you were to meet her?
It never hurts to be cautious and aware. We all get more vulnerable as we get older and it's good for your dad to know you have his best interests at heart.

Seriously? Power of attorney and look at his back statements? Bloody hell.

I thought that!

"Hi Dad, I know you're doing fine but hand me your bank statements because I don't trust you"

Just because he's 70 it doesn't mean he's fucking senile. Unless he has dementia, keep your nose out.

He's only 70!

I'm an academic. I've had senior colleagues give me rare books because they know I'll enjoy them. Nothing very valuable - probably not more than low 100s - but I've really treasured them as mementos of our intellectual friendship. I would give former graduate students similar things, especially if I felt my children weren't interested. I don't think there's anything odd that he gave the book to her.

I don't think there is anything amiss here. It's very common for retired professors to keep up with former students/colleagues. I would be glad she is keeping him connected to other academic friends by going with him to talks and seminars.

If you're concerned, the easiest thing to do is ask if you can invite this friend for coffee when you're next up.

Also- it doesn’t have to be lovely or concerning. It’s just a thing.

I think once you can actually claim to seeing your father daily then argue about who he can and can't see or spend money on. I would be glad he has company rather than a family that visits once a month

Yes I would def plan on meeting them BOTH. My MIL had a young couple of new renters in her cul d sac. The wife was in visiting every day. The husband was a gardener and was always doing paid jobs for my MIL in her minuscule garden - one involved him dropping of a plant (in a pot) for her front garden which she told me had cost her £500. He was there once when I turned up, wouldn’t look me in the eye and left immediately. My MIL was an independent woman in her 70s and this wasnt the only scam she was targeted on. She was easily flattered and these people have all the time in the world to groom them. Another was replacing a few cupboards in her 8x5 kitchen (no appliances) - £12k (15 years ago) - same company 6ft fitted wardrobe into existing recess (which had a perfectly fine existing fitted wardrobe) - £7k. Another was a boiler replacement (British Gas) nothing wrong with it - I intercepted that one. She lived around the corner from us. My husband popped in at least twice a week after work and she was with us and her grandchildren most weekends - but that still left ample time for her to be scammed.

Read up on elder abuse and financial exploitation on Age UK - they will give you the objective red flags to look out for.

If he has lost his confidence at going out are there regular activities / events appropriate to his age and profession to get him set up with?

As a 70 something myself, I would like to report my cognitive ability is fine!

Would he be open to moving nearer to you or your sister?

I’d be concerned about him giving her very expensive things and more the fact the accepts them!! Most people with any morals wouldn’t accept a first edition book from an old man that’s worth £££ and how coincidental is it that it’s her “favourite” book! THAT alone I would have warning bells at and also the “charming” partner …what are they after would be my concern as many similar situations have happened and money and items have been given to the new friends and then oh how lovely they had also been left their house etc in the persons will

YANBU to be concerned, but it doesn't sound particularly suspicious at the moment. Just keep an eye out. Financial elder abuse is common unfortunately.

I'm 77 and a born and bred Londoner. I find it overwhelming these days too and tend to stick to my local area. As far as the young lady is concerned I wouldn't be worried about this friendship as your Dad sounds like he knows what he is doing.
Edited to add: my coginitive (sp?) abilities are also fine!

I gave a former colleague a rare expensive book when he left. It didn’t mean anything beyond you were a great colleague and I’ll miss you.

Also, some academics don’t live in the ‘real world’ so the PP who suggested this isn’t completely wrong. Some leave uni, do masters, do PhD then enter academia and that is their whole life. They are completely and utterly useless at basic common sense tasks, piss up and brewery springs to mind… Wonderful people, great to speak to, could chew your ear off about Freud and Foucault but just so bloody clueless about functions of every day life for most people.

I had shit jobs before uni and a difficult upbringing too so didn’t live in a cushty middle class bubble. We’re not all like that but some are, it is true. It doesn’t mean they’re more susceptible to being taken advantage of though. I’m sure OP’s dad just values this student greatly and I think that’s wonderful.

And if she was doing it for financial gain…. What would you do? Tell him not to see her, report her to the police for committing no crime? Force him to give you control of his finances?

All you could do is visit more often or meet her. He’s an intelligent man why do you think you could do anything in his defence when he’s chosen to continue the friendship? He has presumably kept his marbles so is entitled to do what he wants with his time and money.

My gut feeling is that this is probably harmless and rather lovely for both of them. Part of my reasoning for this is that she hasn't tried to establish a romantic relationship with him, she's been quite open about the fact that she has a partner, and indeed your dad has met and gets on with the partner. I think a scammer in this position would be more likely to try flattering and lovebombing him into a relationship, while perhaps secretly carrying on with a partner of her own age until she could walk way with some money. I also think there's an element of "found family" about it, and since they're both far away from their biological families, that must be a comfort to them.

The gift of the book doesn't strike me as all that odd, but then my dad was also an academic, and he'd always had a rather Zen, unmaterialistic attitude to possessions. It would be just like him - and maybe your dad too - to give away a book that was worth a bit but didn't mean much to him emotionally. To be honest mine might even have felt a bit smug for having "pulled a fast one" - giving away something that he didn't have to pay anything for but would make him appear generous. I'm not suggesting your dad would be that devious! Her gifts to him are touchingly thoughtful too.

Keep talking to him, not sternly expressing disapproval that he's giving his time or anything else for this friend, but just asking how it's going sometimes as part of the general conversation. And yes, absolutely get to know her yourself if you can. You have something important in common - you are both fond of your dad. You might find you get on really well, and since you can't be with your dad as often as you'd like, it would be reassuring to know he has someone nearby who cares about him and could let you know if anything goes wrong (although at 70 he's probably got many healthy years ahead of him).

I'm not saying it's impossible that there's something else going on, but the evidence so far doesn't point to it as far as I'm concerned, and friendly communication is probably the best way to ensure he'll feel able to tell you if he ever suspects anything.

He's 70! He's not that old!

I can't believe the number of posters who seem to think that anyone aged 70 or over had lost their marbles!

Does anyone else think that this is a copy of a question asked previously, right down to the age difference, the woman's partner sometimes going with them, the gifts etc? Are mumsnet recycling posts or are they fake to begin with? The 'op' can of course say its genuine, been here for years but I definitely read this post before.

The OP said that her recently widowed and retired father had lost his confidence. That’s understandable and also significant. It means he’s emotionally vulnerable. Grooming and financial exploitation is always targeted on easy prey / the vulnerable - at any age in life. It’s important to be informed and vigilant.

I hope the DF is having a lovely friendship and it brings him joy and comfort.

unless the book is worth a couple of grand it’s not an issue really. The value is for someone who will enjoy it and value it, rather than it being left to get dusty or given off in a fire estate sale

the best thing to do is keep talking to him regularly so you have updates. And visit him regularly so they know he has people around.

could you and your sister up visits to once a month each so he gets two visits a month? He may feel a bit more overwhelmed with the city but also may not be up for moving as far as Cornwall or Scotland.

He's a highly intelligent 70 year old man living independently, he can set up LPoA for finance in preparation for the future if he wishes (and it is a sensible thing to do) for when he does lose capacity or need some assistance, but the cheek of asking to check his bank statements WTF now, WTF!!