I can't tell if it is lovely that my dad has this friend, or concerning?

[Pollinaa]

My dad is 70, my mum passed rather suddenly in 2021. He was a professor for many years, often kept in touch with past students, he adored his job. In 2023 he decided to retire. My sister and I live very far away from him, I'm in the North East of Scotland, my sister is in Cornwall, we both have young families, we try to visit my dad at least once every other month each in London, so he should always have a monthly visiter, even if just for one night.

I have taken a couple of days off work to come and see him this week, he was showing me his Christmas gifts, and mentioned one from a woman I didn't recognise. I asked, he told me she was one of the last students he taught and they have remained friends, she has taken a job instead of pursuing a PHD right now so they enjoy some intellectual sparring.
She is 25, and she isn't from the UK so no family local. He told me he sees her about once a fortnight, often with her charming partner (his words). He mentioned she has a piano and plays guitar and is a beautiful player and singer. They exchange thoughts and any writing they have done, she takes him to talks as he has lost some confidence going out and about alone.

I can't tell if this is something I should be concerned about, or if I should just be glad he has a lovely friend. He has other friends he goes to the pub with.

I am partially worried she might have bad intentions and be looking for money, but I have no basis for that fear.

AIBU to worry?

At 71 (and a widow) no-one is checking my bank accounts , thank you. I am in charge of my own life and nowhere near needing my sons overseeing my friendships.
A lot of posters seem to think we all lose our marbles at 70 and can't be trusted to make our own decisions.

Private message you

She can't just get lasting power of attorney. The process would have to be initiated by her father.

I think that you have to take a balanced approach.

you can be delighted that your dad has a friend bit at the same time, keep a look out.

She could be a friend or a predator.

On a different note, what does your dad do in his day?

Does he have a sports club to go or does he like golf? Does he volunteer? What clubs does he go to?

What did he do for Christmas?

I'm in my late 30s, married with 2 kids, but I have a friend that's in his 70s that I know through a work connection. We meet for coffee every couple of months and have a chat or catch up over text. We both have a lot going on in our lives with caring responsibilities and it's nice to have someone that is removed from my usual circles that will listen and offer advice if needed. I do the same for him. There's nothing malicious in it, it's just a friendship, so it can happen. It sounds like this lady is good company for your dad.

they currently alternate months, i think.

Yabu
Ive got an older friend that i visit .

Her female relative is suspicious of me but has never made any effort to be nice to me or meet me . She easily could meet me we are in the same town.

I wish she wouldbut never mind sod her and carry on. My friend and I carry on our friendship we dont need her permission.

If it were my parents, id be pleased, and try and meet them if I could.

I know, ridiculous isn't it!

I'm glad to hear your partner is still her fabulous self & I don't blame her for not embracing turning 70, but tell her the alternative is worse!! My Mum is in her 80's, but my Dad died in his 60's 🥲

Why would a 25 year be socialising with a 70 year old. It's fairly rare I would have thought...I agree with you. Keep an eye on that.

we both have young families, we try to visit my dad at least once every other month each in London, so he should always have a monthly visiter, even if just for one night.

I think trying to do much more than that is a big ask. Keeping in mind the distance and other commitments.
It would make sense for Dad to visit them. Hes presumably retired with more time on his hands, he could get some value out a Senior Citzeans Rail Card.

The fact that he doesn't potter about between his daughters' houses suggests that he is perfectly happy in his own life.

Routine Mumsnet ageism again. It does piss me off.

And you need someone to regularly check your bank account…..

Right?

I can't believe what I'm reading. I'm 37, so quite a bit to go until 70. But the entitlement and patronising attitude from some here is staggering. Get a power of attorney! Check his bank statements! Move him closer to you! Like he's some sort of a pet or a small child.

OP has zero right to do any of these things. Her dad is 70, not 100, and in possession of all his marbles so far (as per OP). He can be friends with whomever he wants, and she can do diddly squat about it.

If my daughter tries to check my bank statements or dictate my friendships in the future, I'll tell her where to go and what to do when she gets there.

Simply unbelievable.

Because they have interests in common and not everyone is so judgemental and limited in their approach to others as you appear to be?

If they think he is vulnerable and subject to scamming then they need to be the ones popping in, as he doesn’t think there is anything wrong

I don't think going from Aberdeen to London can be regarded as 'popping' and Cornwall probably isn't much better.

And me. After my late husband died, I gave someone I know very well, a book of DHs that is worth a few bob, but I knew that person would just enjoy owning the book. My adult kids didn't want it, so I'm happy to have given it away.

Sitting here now feeling that I'm cognitively in decline .....not. 😂

Definitely worth keeping a careful eye out.
A friend of mine runs a befriending service for a charity and she's had at least one volunteer who they had to deal with as she was asking the elderly person for financial help.

My dad (aged late 80s) is friends with another elderly neighbour who is housebound . This neighbours son came to visit his parent and went for a pint with my dad. Dad mentioned this at the time and I thought, that sounds nice.

More recently dad let slip that this chap actually asked him for a few grand . Dad didn't give it, thankfully..

He is 70 and she is 25.

... and?

I’m 70 odd now and I’ve still got my marbles and I have friends of all ages. I remember (yep, I do remember) when I was in my 20s I loved talking, socialising, listening to people (male and female) in their 70s. I loved their knowledge, wit, sense of humour, wisdom and sense of irreverence. Nobody ever as far as I know ever questioned my friendships or suspected me of ulterior motifs eg after their money etc

You miss the point completely

You talk of all the things you do in your job. So you have a job which I presume you have been in for years… and you have meetings with people who I presume are not unintelligent.

In your job do you ever deal with people who are scammers and thieves or have you ever been asked what a bin is by a uk born English speaking 20 year old or what is a passport or why do we need forks.

You talk of visiting a former lecturer. Do you go every fortnight and your dh or bf goes with you to visit every single time? If not then this isn’t the same

My point was that there are some people who don’t understand there are people out there who don’t think the same way or act the same way as they do and it’s that inability to see what people are really like or what is or isn’t normal

Giving away a rare book like it was nothing is just being blasé with money and gifts they haven’t had to struggle earning or attaining
.

Dont forget the “charming partner” of the 25year old.that visits regularly

I think that if I showed this thread to my parents they wouldn’t be too happy about the perception some posters have about those into their 70s
From what OP has told us there’s no indication that her dad is in any way vulnerable, other than he has lost of a bit of confidence when going out. There won’t be many people into their 8th decade who aren’t at all concerned about their safety when out and about, so I’m not sure that this is an indicator that he is vulnerable and could be taken advantage off. That said, those out to befriend and defraud are extremely clever and no matter how savvy and intelligent people may think they are, no one is immune to their scheming ways so I can understand her worry even though nothing she’s told us about the relationship so far would be a red flag for me
Because her and her sister live so far away it’s hard to know how much they really know about their dad’s day to day life, the other friends he has and his finances etc. but bearing in mind what he’s told her about his friend, trying to engineer a meeting with her and her partner as some have suggested would be a step too far for me. I’d just voice my concerns with him directly in a chatty way and try and keep a discreet eye out for any further developments