I can't tell if it is lovely that my dad has this friend, or concerning?

[Pollinaa]

My dad is 70, my mum passed rather suddenly in 2021. He was a professor for many years, often kept in touch with past students, he adored his job. In 2023 he decided to retire. My sister and I live very far away from him, I'm in the North East of Scotland, my sister is in Cornwall, we both have young families, we try to visit my dad at least once every other month each in London, so he should always have a monthly visiter, even if just for one night.

I have taken a couple of days off work to come and see him this week, he was showing me his Christmas gifts, and mentioned one from a woman I didn't recognise. I asked, he told me she was one of the last students he taught and they have remained friends, she has taken a job instead of pursuing a PHD right now so they enjoy some intellectual sparring.
She is 25, and she isn't from the UK so no family local. He told me he sees her about once a fortnight, often with her charming partner (his words). He mentioned she has a piano and plays guitar and is a beautiful player and singer. They exchange thoughts and any writing they have done, she takes him to talks as he has lost some confidence going out and about alone.

I can't tell if this is something I should be concerned about, or if I should just be glad he has a lovely friend. He has other friends he goes to the pub with.

I am partially worried she might have bad intentions and be looking for money, but I have no basis for that fear.

AIBU to worry?

Being of a nasty, suspicious nature, I’d certainly be keeping eyes and ears very much open, and, while being perfectly pleasant to the woman in question if meeting her, would probably try to visit a bit more often.

Goodness knows that younger women taking advantage of a considerably older widower’s susceptibility is hardly unknown.

As the saying goes, ‘There’s no fool like an old fool…’.

I think its a big ask for his DD to visit more than once a month each, giving the time and distance involved.
They presumably have jobs and children to look after too.

What would make sense would be for him to visit them too.

This is one of the silliest things I've read on here in some time, which is saying something. Do you think academics actually inhabit ivory towers, where they waft about thinking Higher Thoughts and occasionally falling over their own shoelaces? Academia is just an ordinary job. We are doing vast amounts of admin, managing research projects, negotiating endless meetings, taking courses, doing outreach and student recruitment, and all the entirely ordinary things most professionals do, as well as teaching and research. Academics aren't protected from anything anyone else deals with, and they certainly aren't any more 'unworldly'.

OP, this is ridiculous. I saw one of my former lecturers (aged 76, with a dying DH) for lunch last week. Next month, I will be going to stay for a weekend with another former lecturer (single and in her late 70s) with whom I became friends after I moved close to where she used to live. Believe it or not, I am not planning to inveigle my way into either of their wills.

I don't think the book is an issue at all.

My dad gave away the majority of his collection relating to his nerdy hobbies that spanned a lifetime, whilst waiting to die. His best mate and brother helped him and they only sold things that nobody he knew wanted (duplicates). I have no idea of what the monetary value of the collection might have been, it was not any of my business.
Sadly as of this week my uncle is doing the same with his equally nerdy collection.

I think it is a normal part of the aging and ultimately dying process to pass these sentimental and treasured things on, and cash value is unimportant, finding somebody equally as passionate is what matters.

Yes! I'm hooting at the notion that at 70, he's somehow 'old and vulnerable', because my partner is 70 next week (and she's feckin' FURIOUS about it! I'm a couple of years younger) and she's still very much got her marbles, teaches music, is very active and is cognitively as sharp as ever.

Is she taking a break from her PHd? Or has she not started one yet? I ask because if she was an MSc student she would really not have had that much contact with him, even if he was her supervisor. Maybe more if she was doing an MSD...

As someone who works in a university, I find this quite odd tbh. Borderline inappropriate. I hope they weren't exchanging gifts when she was a student

I see where you're coming from and it won't hurt to keep an eye but it is very possible to be genuinely friends regardless of age. I'm in my 30s and met a lovely man late 60s who used to come into the cafe that I worked in. We became very good friends and would always do cards, presents, food, coffee etc. I unfortunately lost him Christmas 2024 very suddenly, I miss him a lot.

To be fair its not completely unknown for people in their 70s to have dementia.

He's 70, not 170! There is very likely nothing at all wrong with his cognitions.
OP isn't U to be concerned about her DF but she is most likely U to be concerned about his friendship with his former student, who has given her no reason for concern.

People of any age can have dementia, it increases in likelihood at 70, but this is why we have capacity assessments and DOLS, but suggesting that a 70 year old with an opposite sex friend of a different generation is automatically vulnerable is insulting.

If anyone tried to police my friendships, they would be written out of my will.

I think it sounds lovely. Would you be as concerned if it was a male ex student? Or do you think you are perhaps falling for the extremely sexist view that all women are potentially gold diggers?

It’s worth remembering that professors are used to spending time with lots of young people. And as someone else has pointed out, she may well come from a culture where inter generational friendships are more usual. And she has brought her partner along! How lovely that your father has developed a friendship with someone who has similar interests and can have stimulating conversation with.

And as for cognitive decline - no idea why people are jumping to assume that. Depends on the individual, surely? My father is 80 and still works - because he wants to, not because he has to - and is still more than mentally capable of doing his highly professional job. I wouldn’t assume he couldn’t see through something sinister purely due to his age.

Exactly. We have thousands and thousands of books, some valuable first editions, that we will need to get rid of at some point. We will probably sell many, but if I knew someone who would value a specific book because they adored the author, I might well give it to them.

Which always seems like a lovely idea ... but he'll be leaving all his friends and contacts behind. In all reality, finding a new set of friends at 70 is very unlikely.

London is a great place to live as an older person. Agreed, central London can be a bit in-your-face but most of us live in bustling neighbourhoods with GPs, sports centres, libraries, cinemas and shops within walking distance or we have excellent local transport.

Im fairly sure some of these posters base their view of academia on old episodes of Morse.

Most academics that ive worked or studied with have had to do all sorts of crap jobs along the way and being an academic involves an awful lot of budgeting, financial forecasting etc. They're not all bumbling around thinking about Byzantium. Ask yourself whether you'd trust Mary Beard to evaluate a friendship or decide whether to give a book away.

Exactly why I still live in London in my dotage! People who don't live here don't realise that London is basically made up of 'villages' and in many cases we have communities around us. Within walking distance I have my GP, dentist, range of shops, railway, tube and bus links into the centre, not forgetting friends and neighbours.

Could be great for him could be suspicious. Difficult as you and your sister live so far away. It's good that you visit once a month between you but it is probably quite lonely for him since your mother died, even though he has friends. He is a very intelligent man who still has his wits about him which is good but when we are very lonely our usual common sense can go out of the window. I can see why he enjoys the intellectual interaction, I would too, but he probably doesn't know this international ex student's back ground very well ...only what she and her 'charming' tell him. I would keep a quiet eye open. See if you can meet her on one of yours or your sister's visits. It would be a shame to discourage a lonely old man's intellectual relationship with an ex student if all is what it seems to your dad...but it would be awful to see him maybe scammed and deeply hurt further down the line. I think that all you and your sister can do is be non committal either way about this lady and discreetly watch and wait. 💐

As a 70 year old, it's interesting to discover that I can't be trusted to make a friend/renew a friendship or give a friend a gift, without supervision.

There are some bonkers posts on this thread.

I hear you saraclara ..I am 73 myself ...but I still stand by my own text above as well. 😀

Yes, you're apparently one step away from drooling and needing someone to have oversight of your friendships in case you're gormlessly giving scammers expensive presents and changing your will gaily.

The prevailing narrative appears to be that only old, senile people can fall victim to scams. This is not the case. Anyone can be scammed by anyone no matter how smart they think they are.

My parents are both smart, well educated people, not outwardly vulnerable, but they are also gullible and take pretty much everyone at face value. They are in their 70s and they absolutely could easily be scammed.

This kind of relationship can be used to scam people, everyone should be aware of that. That doesn’t mean the couple are scammers, it may be entirely as it is. There is no harm in OP just keeping an eye on it.

Those having a go at OP for being far away, get back in your box. These sisters have made sure he sees one of them regularly. Presumably they also keep in contact in between. Nowadays you don’t have to live right next door to your relatives to stay connected.

It’s worth pointing out that there doesn’t need to be any dementia involved, for a younger woman to take advantage, particularly financial advantage, of a susceptible older widower. I’m sure many of us have heard of such cases.

Some older men are very easily convinced that a much younger, attractive woman is sincerely in love with him.

The OP herself has said he has lost confidence since he retired and been recently widowed. That would class him as emotionally vulnerable - to what extent none of us can know. Doesn’t have to be cognitive decline to be vulnerable.

Many emotionally strong working women have been the target of romance scams and lost hundreds of thousands of pounds. Groomers and manipulators play a long game. I am not saying this is happening here. But there is no doubt that this man due to his change of circumstances (recently widowed and retired) AND his observed behaviours (loss of confidence) is emotionally vulnerable.

I have loss of confidence as I've grown older (77) but that doesn't mean I've lost my faculties. I doubt whether OPs father has either or she would have mentioned it.

I don't see what you can be concerned about? Just because he's retired doesn't mean he's not capable of having friendships with younger people.

Unless you think nobody would ever be friends with an old person unless they were hell bent on ripping them off or getting their hands on the person's inheritance? That's quite a cynical point of view.

Especially when theres no evidence whatsoever of anything untoward. And you've never met this person.