I can't tell if it is lovely that my dad has this friend, or concerning?

[Pollinaa]

My dad is 70, my mum passed rather suddenly in 2021. He was a professor for many years, often kept in touch with past students, he adored his job. In 2023 he decided to retire. My sister and I live very far away from him, I'm in the North East of Scotland, my sister is in Cornwall, we both have young families, we try to visit my dad at least once every other month each in London, so he should always have a monthly visiter, even if just for one night.

I have taken a couple of days off work to come and see him this week, he was showing me his Christmas gifts, and mentioned one from a woman I didn't recognise. I asked, he told me she was one of the last students he taught and they have remained friends, she has taken a job instead of pursuing a PHD right now so they enjoy some intellectual sparring.
She is 25, and she isn't from the UK so no family local. He told me he sees her about once a fortnight, often with her charming partner (his words). He mentioned she has a piano and plays guitar and is a beautiful player and singer. They exchange thoughts and any writing they have done, she takes him to talks as he has lost some confidence going out and about alone.

I can't tell if this is something I should be concerned about, or if I should just be glad he has a lovely friend. He has other friends he goes to the pub with.

I am partially worried she might have bad intentions and be looking for money, but I have no basis for that fear.

AIBU to worry?

I'm 'not from' the UK and doing an MBA. I have a 90 something neighbour that used to be a professor at my university who I see struggling up and down our street. I refrain from getting too friendly because I don't want to be accused of wanting to manipulate an old person for their money, as you so kindly do.

They remind me of my grandparent and I also don't have family here.

If your father's friend was 'from here' would it make a difference?

It sounds lovely that. She probably misses having family around her so it’s a win for both.

It is still a good idea to keep mindful of things and keep an ear out for anything that sounds untoward.

Intergenerational friendships are much more common in many overseas countries compared to the UK.

Unless she’s an evolutionary biologist, and that book was a first edition of Darwin’s On the Origin of Species, I suspect there’s nothing to worry about.

I'm nearly seventy and I talk to young people all the time. Usually about computers, fast cars, and hard style techno, and other stuff us old farts are not supposed to be interested in, what with all that cognitive decline. 🙄😂

The poor young woman has done nothing wrong. She is working and has a boyfriend. She enjoys your father’s company and he hers, plus they’ve exchanged thoughtful gifts. She’s hardly some freeloader! YABVU.

You're the only one whining, lecturing and jibber jabbering on here. What on earth is wrong with you? You responded to a sentence with an outpouring of smug vitriol.

Sounds innocent and nice, but I would be keeping an eye. Of course he is not going to tell you is anything concerning has happened because he likely know's you'd worry.

But I do think its also very possible it is just a nice friendship that has developed between two people who sound intellectually matched (and maybe don't find many other people who are willing to engage with thought sparring with them).

The fact she has a piano also suggests she is not too hard up.

Here is the thing. She is there and you are not.

If you are concerned. Be. There.

Yeah, as a "forriner" I also wondered exactly the same when I read OP's post. Of courses she'll come back to say it doesn't matter but, then, why mention it at all?

I think it could be both lovely and concerning. By that I mean that the friendship is probably a genuine thing that brings them both pleasure and involves no ulterior motive. But it's possible that over time it might become more and more important to your dad and that could have consequences.

Does your dad like living in London or would he prefer to be near you or your sister?

My old neighbour was a 90 year old man (I'm in my 30s). He was such a good friend to me. I had no grandparents and his grandchildren didn't often visit. I was at home a lot due to having young kids and we would chat most days. Would sometimes cook him dinners or go get him his newspapers. He taught me so much. I still miss him actually. It's funny because even though there was 60 years between us it didn't feel like it. I'm an old soul and he was young at heart.

i do understand your concerns though. Maybe try and meet her that will put your mind at rest.

Until you have evidence to the contrary, it's lovely. She probably looks up to him, is interested in what he has to say and feels concerned that he was suddenly widowed. Her partner is involved so she's not trying to seduce him.

I'd be really interested in this link too. I teach adults one to one. One of my best students is 70. I'm sure they'd be interested to read this too.

I think it’s fine and sounds really lovely. I was this person back in the day. I had a favourite professor who became a mentor to me. We’d meet for coffee about once a month. I’d look after his cats when away. At one point, he needed brain surgery and I literally drove him to the hospital for his surgery (someone else picked him up and another stayed with him the first few days). The difference being maybe that in my case he was gay, but no partner or children.

I moved away eventually, but we stayed in touch for the next nearly 20 years until he died from cancer. What was absolutely lovely was that he’d cultivated lots of these relationships with former students, so when he got ill, he was never alone. Everyone rallied. I lived far away, but many of his former students took turns sitting with him in hospice until the end. For someone with no family, he made his own. Obviously, don’t let them move in and be careful if any money starts to move around, but on the surface, it sounds wonderful especially for someone who doesn’t have choir grandchildren nearby.

Perhaps she got the younger version of cognitive decline? 🙄

I’m not looking forward to retirement and old age if we’re only supposed to talk to the other members of the bowling club once we get there.

@Pollinaa Yes, it could just be a lovely intellectual friendship, but do keep an eye out. The valuable book thing is a sign of a potential issue. Depends if he's worldly wise, or a bumbling academic who is lost outside academia.
70 isn't necessarily old (many people are still working, and/or fit and healthy, others have issues.)

I’d be cautious about this too. Though, it is equally possible that she’s a genuinely nice person. I’ve just been reading an article about a scheme where older people who need a bit of help at home but don’t need “care” can have a lodger who does a few hours of shopping, housework etc per week and all of the younger people interviewed seemed to really enjoy the friendship as well as the cheap lodgings. Many other cultures have a far greater respect and regard for older people.

Since I moved house I keep in touch with and still visit a couple of my previous elderly neighbours from time to time. I know they enjoy the company, and so do I. Sometimes I do a bit of shopping for them.

Hard for you being so far away, but I would keep asking your dad questions about what they do together. And maybe you could meet her on one of your visits?

He isn’t old he’s 70! And there’s no reason why his cognitions should be affected

I’m still friends with my former professor who is in her 80s and still an intellectual powerhouse. I go to hers for lunch or she comes to mine. It is great to talk to someone about interesting ideas.

Yep. He’s 70, a recently retired professor. No way he can look after himself. Move him into a home immediately. Bloody hell.

Sounds like he's enjoying her company. If he saw the book as valuable he'd have sold it years ago.
Instead he's kept hold of it for whatever reason and found a use for it. While doing a bit of decluttering.

I’m an academic and I cannot express how common this is. We all try to keep in touch with our best students, if they want to anyway. I actually now work with one of my PhD supervisees… It’s honestly just so normal and definitely not a problem whatsoever.

Are you concerned she’s taking advantage in some way? I’m unsure what you’re so worried about really.

I actually think that there is a huge difference between a 70 year old who has been around the block a few times and has had to work hard and done shitty minimum wage jobs to earn money and has mixed with all sorts of people and someone who has lived in academia their whole life. Only mixing with people who are similar to them.

Its not about cognitive decline it’s about the absence of that cognition
Giving away the book says a lot about him

I actually think it says he places no worth on anything and for those with bad intentions it puts a blinking beacon on his head signalling that he is ripe for the taking.

I am wondering what this woman’s “charming partner” is doing during their chats.
This is the red flag. Why is a young guy hanging out with his partner whilst she is meeting up with her retired lecturer every single visit

Women often have (temporary) cognitive decline post partum and in perimenopause should they not choose their own friends either.

I will still be working as a paramedic at 68, so let's hope for everyone's sake my cognitive decline ain't too bad by then!!

What a snotty attitude towards university lecturers! You do they can have worked shirty, minimum wage jobs, mixed with people from all over, worked hard and "been around the block" a bit?

Also they would very likely see a book in terms of its value as an actual book, an item to be read and cherished for its sentiment and content over the arbitrary monetary value. It doesn't suggest placing no worth on anything, just placing a different but equally valid worth on an item

And her partner only "often" comes, not always. Perhaps he drives his partner there as she doesn't drive, or they go out together afterwards and maybe he too is one of those pesky academics who likes to engage in the conversation and debate too (which is likely as DF seems to know him quite well) rather than some lout who is there rifling through DF's belongings for items to steal. Perhaps he too is one of those "not from round here" and places more value on older people and he does little odd jobs around the house too...