If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

If you marry and have a child, you should have free rein with a joint bank account. The notion of being given a budget is ridiculous unless there are financial issues.

To be honest I have never sat and worked it out. Month to month I was originally going to say around £100 as all I really do is go for lunch once a week with a friend and top up my make up etc but I had totally forgotten about clothes, hair appointments etc
Slightly different in that my husband moved it o my house and even though it’s been 18 years a lot of the bills are still in my name and so he sends me “housekeeping” each month and I just spend whatever is left over after the bills etc.
Clothes I am hit and miss with- sometimes I don’t buy any for months and sometimes I go a bit mad. I am trying to sell and buy ok Vinted a bit more now though
I get my hair done 3 times a year and have had a few aesthetic tweakments but have decide to can’t justify carrying on with them with th current cost of living crisis even though my SIL is my practitioner and does them cheaper
I have been a SAHM for 14 years now (been lots of reasons why I haven’t gone back that I won’t go into) and I do feel bad sometimes but he has never asked me to go back. If he said he hated the responsibility of paying for everything then I would try and get a part time job. My mum was always a “housewife” and I never saw that for myself but it’s just how it’s turned out.

You both need the same budget, and you need to make sure you're both paying for nursery - it's not just your responsibility. Your money should not come out of your savings. If you are not working, his salary is your money too. Remember that.

I'm not sure why the idea of a budget is such a shock to you though. When you have children, the money belongs to the family. It and they are the priority. So think carefully. Discuss every detail with your partner, and make sure you're on the same page.

We did this. There’s a joint account we both access. Also a joint credit card. Basically everything pooled. We both had our separate accounts too.

Then I just spent what I liked within reason from the joint account. Any massive purchase I’d run by him. Ditto him with me. No need for anyone to have a budget. The married money is shared money!

When my DP was a SAHP and I was the only earner we had a joint account from which all bills and spending came. My DP had full access to the account as did I and we discussed finances together, agreed big purchases and joint budgets for "fun". He had exactly the same ability and rights to spend the money as I did.

As a SAHP I would accept nothing less than this arrangement. You also need to agree up front how your pension contributions will be paid whilst you are out of work, the division of chores including most importantly night waking. You also need to be on the same page about who will do school or nursery pick ups when you want to go back to work (here's a hint - he should be doing half!)

Any hint of him not wanting to be a totoally equal partner or any show now of him not doing his proper half of the house work and you should seriously consider whether this is for you.

When I was a SAHM I had a joint credit card and everything went on that. I had some of my own money I could access if I wanted to buy something without my DH knowing/knowing how much (not often, but there were some things it was nice to keep more private or gifts, etc!) But, we were in a financial situation where there was more than enough disposable income for everything we wanted to do, so we didn’t budget for anything + we’re not big spenders in general.

I would hate to be given a budget by my husband. Agree a budget for me and for him, fine. Have one account that we both have to spend from and there’s no more, fine. But not him giving me an amount I can spend - you’re not his employee, your his partner in raising the children as you have both agreed to.

He's 50. Will his pension be enough to support you both in a reasonable fashion when he retires? If not, you'll need to stay at work even on a PT basis to ensure that you have your own pension provision. (Would recommend PT anyway to keep your hand in, in case of divorce, based on own experience).

Why would you be beholden to him? Just because someone earns more money in a marriage, doesn’t mean they get to lord it over the other person. Being a SAHP is a valuable job. Value isn’t just measured in money. It sounds like you feel he’ll be in charge because he’s earning (or because he’s older than you?) but you’d both be working. Being a SAHM is still work even though you’re not paid.

A marriage is a partnership. You’d both be equal partners. You and he would know how much money was coming in, the outgoings, and whether you could spend X amount. Surely it’s obvious? You have a joint account and you both use it. Clearly, if there was only £100 left in there at the end of the month, it would be a poor choice to spend £200 on a spa day when you still needed to pay for food for the last few days, but that’s not because you’re not working, it’s because it would be daft.

Being a SAHM still means you’re you. You still get equal input into decision-making. You don’t have to demote yourself in the marriage partnership just because you’re working unpaid.

To be fair I also said this to OP just to warn her. Not entirely sure I am happy to have a almost non verbal nearly four year old who likely has autism and I wonder if he will like having it either.

It really depends what your relationship is like with your partner regarding money. I have been a SAHM for 13 years now as we both wanted the children to be home with their mum rather than in a nursery. Hubby is a good earner and I don't have a budget per-say but obviously need to live within our means. I think when you have children your priorities change anyway, I like to make sure they have everything they need before myself, I do get my nails done every 3 weeks which is my monthly treat, I get my hair done every few months, I buy any clothes & shoes I need but I'm not naturally a big Spender or into designer brands or facials etc. I go out with my friends and get a coffee or have a night out drinking but it's not all the time, my husband does the same. Neither of us have our own money, all the money he earns is all of our money. Once we've paid all our bills, mortgage, savings, food, kids activities and clubs, we still have a generous amount left for monthly spends but I'd rather spend it on my family such as taking us all out for the day or a nice meal which we do a few times per month. If you can afford it and can find the time then great, but I honestly think your thought processes would change if you had children.

Please see the other thread discussing retirement with a much smaller age gap.

If you are discussing getting married, have you discussed retirement and is he likely to retire 20 years before you and how will that go? Do you want to retire together as if you do then have you started planning for that and how will be a SAHM effect those plans?

OP, you are getting an extremely bad deal here.

You bear his kids as SAHM so he does not have to lift a finger and then having married you, you are a guaranteed nurse with a purse with a child to boot (so you will hang around). He retires just as you are forced to go back into the workforce to be the bread winner for the family having lost years off your career. On top of that, he is not even shooting out the lights in terms of earning power and giving you a measly few hundred spending money a month for all your SAHM services?

No thanks.

He should at least make you whole in terms of pension and give you a generous personal allowance in addition to paying for everything childcare and household related. Your career progression is still f--ked. Be prepared to be a carer for the best years of your life.

I hope he is worth it.

Honestly don’t do it, you are giving up EVERYTHING because HE wants children. And with his age well not even just that, you’ll be doing everything. Continue as you are have fun and enjoy your money. Kids and a man really are not the be all end all. So many women make this decision for all the wrong reasons. Be yourself don’t live for him. If you’re spending £500 a month and want to continue don’t have kids.

Does he have other children from a previous relationship? 50’s is an unusual age to start having a family.
Close family members have a similar age gap and now their child is older and their Dad is almost 60 you can definitely see a lot of the parenting falling to their Mum purely to Dad being tired so I would definitely factor in having to do the lions share of running around in the future which will impact your work hours etc if you did want to return to work.
Another point to mention is there has been some research showing that paternal age can have a factor in additional needs in particular Autism, which is something that you should look into further before deciding what to do because again additional needs can impact family budgets/working.
I work part time purely so I can have my own money, technically I don’t have to but I would never rely on someone else completely or have someone ‘judge’ what money I should have.

This isn't about whether £500 is enough for you to spend on yourself. It's about whether you are ready for the sacrifices that come with having kids. Because whether you become a SAHM or go back to work and put them in nursery, you will have to change your lifestyle drastically - both practically and financially.

Having kids is bloody hard. It's also bloody joyous, but still hard. And if you don't want them - and I mean proper desire and need and feel your life is not complete without them, you shouldn't have them just because someone else wants them. Because if you do, you'll end up resenting both him and the kids when you can;t afford the money or time for a treatment.

If his spending isn't going to change, why should yours? Having a baby is a joint venture.

Don't get married or have children until you have worked out if you are compatible from a money and spending perspective and definitely don't give up work until you know you will be treated fairly. Financial compatibility I think is often overlooked when looking at whether a relationship can work and it's something that doesn't necessarily become apparent until you have been together more than a few years. If one is a spender and one isn't or one has lots of regular smaller things but doesn't seem that it adds up or if one is a make do and mend and the other is my time is more valuable than the item it can be a source of conflict.

I'm currently a sahp and my spending hasn't changed at all since stopping work. I don't have my hair or nails done, coffee out is a once a month or less, clothes are bought only when necessary, I probably spend less than £500 a year. This is the same for my partner. We don't buy takeaways, rarely have meals out, we take packed lunches if we go out for the day. We are very much on the same page when it comes to nonessential spending and it's easily manageable within our budgets so neither of us feel the need to run purchases past one another. We jokingly ask about the odd coop purchase of a couple of quid and ask if they were in need of a chocolate fix that day but honestly checking the bank account is pretty much only to check for any fraudulent activity and if subscriptions have been cancelled etc.

Our joint account is set up to cover our routine essential and non essential spending, all the kids clothes and activities, our day to day clothes come out of this but say one of us wanted to buy an expensive fancy outfit that would come out of our own accounts. We aren't big spenders and both hate shopping. I have had my coat since 2006 and my wedding dress cost £30!!
When we were both working what we paid into the joint account according to our relative take home pay, now my partner is paying into it on his own. We both have a £300 a month regular saver and we are paying into my pension from the joint account too.

First you need to know what you need to cover your life as a couple.
Second what you need to cover your life
Third what you need to manage long term - savings, pensions, emergency exit money.

So I’m a SAHM.

We have a joint account which all bills come out of including both of our gym memberships. I also get my nails done out of that as DH gets a nail tidy & manicure every month too and also my lashes as DH uses the joint to get his hair cut twice a month and it adds up to the same amount roughly. DH also uses skin & me and a good face wash and moisturiser as he had bad acne so the main bulk of the skincare costs comes out of the joint too.

Then we both get £500 a month for personal spends. I use this on clothes, Pilates, makeup, my hair, a coffee here and there- anything really. I do get some fancy skincare out of this as DH only uses the basics but we share. This doesn’t include anything like meals out or activities though as we have a different budget for that. It literally just is personal stuff.

£500 works for me but that’s because a lot of stuff you’ve mentioned comes out of the joint. If it didn’t I would feel more comfortable with £700.

Darling, you’ll have no time for nails and eyelashes when you have a couple of kids. Going out will look very different too. It will be all about the kids and not about you. You don’t sound like you are in that head space to be honest and I know you didn’t ask this but no way will I be having a baby with a 50 year old. Honestly, go back and rethink.

@Lorcal honestly, if you are an independent career focused woman I don't think the notion of an 'allowance' to be a SAHM will ever sit well.
It's understandable that your bf feels urgency for children at his age but I think going back to work even part time after maternity leave will be important. Budget for bills and childcare in proportion to earnings and at least what's left of your salary will be truly yours to do with as you wish.

@Lorcal as a current SATM there is no budget. I too before children loved my nails every 2 weeks hair appointments every 12 weeks facials every 6-8 weeks and to be honest any other beauty treatments on the market. We are by no means well off he’s a builder and has a few small businesses. We have been together since 15 and now have 3 children ages 15,9 and 5.
Yes there has been times where works been dry and I’ve just layed off that infill or skipped a hair appointment but never ever have I been given a budget. Either WE have it or we don’t. No 50/50. When your child’s big head is coming out my hooha destroying it indefinitely and my tits now look like the balloons that been left behind the sofa 3 months after the party, absolutely will I NOT be put on a budget. I am with you there the thought of going half’s with a man I’m calling my partner. That gives me the ultimate ICK and my bf is the same when out with our friends or family which is predominately female he will always foot the bill however I will say if I had someone tell my 15 year old self to have the career too to have my own independence then I would have listened.

Do not give up your career for children go on maternity and if you feel you don’t want to go back then don’t. But don’t throw it away before you know how your going to feel. I have had a few great opportunities thrown my way over the years and it never stuck because I just love being a SAHM and my partner prefers me to be a SAHM.
if I’m out working or doing a couple hours here and there then something needs to compromise at home. He won’t prepared to do that so it suits him better for me to be home doing all the things that need doing.
Now not every likes to be the SAHP and tbh now my little one is past the first 5 years I’m now thinking well what the hell do I do now can’t spend all my life down the gym🫠
keep the career use the maternity and my god if he mentions the word budget one more time tell him to have a long hard look in the mirror 😂

and for those comments that say you won’t have time to have nails hair gym etc after kids they obviously wasn’t about that lifestyle before the kids to continue it. That’s who I am through and through and simply having children would never change that!!!

Don’t have a budget. DH wages go into the joint account and I spend what I want but don’t take the piss. We are both adults contributing to the household, but in different ways.

Why on earth would you plan to stay at home? You have your own life, earn your own money and answer to nobody. Marry first. Have kids - take 6 months maternity leave - he can take parental leave to top up - back to your career.

There is a reason this is feeling “icky”. It is.

Assuming you both agree it is the right choice for one parent to stop work for a while, i think it would be more normal to equally share/access what disposable income you have left as a family .

Where this gets tricky is... there's a lot less left out of one income than two, plus you have extra costs for a child - clothes, food, maybe activities, equipment like prams and toys.

As a result its often quite hard to have the sort of carefree spending you might have as "dual income no kids".

Just as it would be unfair for the earning parent to control the funds and give a miserly "allowance" to the sahp, its unfair if the sahp spends freely from the joint account & leaves the earning parent with nothing.

The most important thing is to talk about it - work out how much your household income would be on one wage vs your bills & costs of having a child, and consider how much you'd each be likely to have for ad hoc/unbudgeted spending.

Unless you are really high earners it might not be as much as you'd like. There's a reason there aren't many who can afford a sahp