If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

I’m a SAHM but also a parent carer to intellectually disabled DC. At present we have no spare money so no gym, haircuts, skincare treats beyond the necessities. I’m not into nails so they’ve never been a consideration.

What I have found over the last ten or so years I’ve been out of the workplace is that those extra things are generally the first to go in tougher times, but they do come back in times when we are more flush. Example is I need my roots doing badly but we are expecting to be paid a large sum next month, so I’ve just been waiting on confirmation of that before making an appointment.

i just don’t have time to pamper myself, the only time I get to myself is 9-2.30 when the kids are at school, and a lot of that is given over to chores and meetings/admin for disabled DC. I do have the option to clear some of that time if necessary but I’d rather use it to catch up on sleep than get my hair done.

I am trying to do more small things for myself now, just little things like getting myself a coffee once or twice a week, and popping to M&S for some of their microwave porridge. That might sound sad to you I guess but I’m quite content with little things.

I never have had a budget - Sahm for 22 years. All our money goes in a pot. We discuss big purchase items . I don’t have regular nails or facials but haircuts yes and I just get them. I personally think a budget - unless both people have a similar budget is demeaning. Being a Sahm is work- it’s not paid but it work. A budget (for only the SAHM) unless it’s a guideline and not money put in a pot is really demeaning. If you have a joint account for regular outgoings that you both share and are aware of regular expenses (if any kind) then a seperate pot isn’t necessary. I also think that then a ‘worth’ it attached to being a Sahm. And we all know the actual cost of employing someone as a SAHM would be very expensive and like far in excess of any allowance or budget. I also think that it potentially makes a difficult power supply imbalance where the Sahm has to go to her partner/spouse asking for and justifying wanting more money in a month or a higher allowance.

My dad’s ancient 27yo sperm spawned this autistic person, and my husband was the grand old age of 30 when we conceived our autistic DC.

Ick.

I wouldn’t even think about having children with a man I wasn’t legally committed to or who would expect me to given up my career.

My username recognises that it took 9 years for my husband to persuade me to have a child. Parenting was 50/50 from the off and neither career takes priority (neither of us has ever worked part time). Child has both names. Non-negotiable. We are all better off for this approach.

Don’t take your foot off the gas. The labour market is difficult and you need to maintain your ability to earn and stay independent. You will almost certainly outlive him so you have more skin in the game.

Married and joint acc or don’t do it.

Your personal anecdotes mean nothing, compared to statistics. Older sperms = a higher chance of an autistic child. It's a fact.

Darling, you’ll have no time for nails and eyelashes when you have a couple of kids. Going out will look very different too. It will be all about the kids and not about you

This makes me really sad. Of course your children come first but you don’t lose all sense of self when you have kids. I’m still a person who deserves to be put first on occasion. I’m not just a Mum.

Why on earth do you think everyone should do what you think is right? OP wants to be a SAHM.

It absolutely isn’t about not deserving it but the reality of the first few years with newborns and toddlers, lack of sleep, stress and a changing body is very different to the carefree lifestyle OP is leading now. Not to mention the finances when one salary is lost and there is a baby to consider. Particularly if she will be a SAHM and there will likely be an expectation that the housework will fall on her. It’s just a different ball game and it doesn’t sound like OP is into that frame of mind just yet.

also unless you work for yourself, you hardly “answer to nobody” lol.
your employer dictates where you are and what you do for the majority of your waking hours.

Yes it isnt always old parents that cause autism but it is a risk factor along with genetics. I suspect my son would still be autistic if my husband had been 30 rather than 50.

you spend £2k a month on yourself ? After bills, food, rent? So basically on beauty treatments and shopping for clothes and eating out?

DH and I get £400 each pcm

OP would do well to read some of the stories from women that became SAHMs on here and got hammered as a result.

We use the same family budget setup when we're both working, when I was on maternity leave, when DH took time off to provide family care, etc...

We sit down and budget together twice per year. All income is combined, then we plan out all household/family bills, contribute to long-term and mid-term savings, budget by category for our family/household discretionary spending, and then each take an equal amount for our individual spending. That last one includes our clothes/grooming, personal gadgets and hobbies, travel or socializing individually, etc. and we each independently manage our own spending and saving there.

The idea of one partner being "put on a budget" and not the other is indeed rather offensive, but having a family budget that you set together and both agree to respect it is basic fiscal responsibility and teamwork.

I think it’s totally down to you as a couple to figure out as it’s quite dependent on how much of a sacrifice staying at home is financially.

Once you know how much goes on necessities each month (mortgage, bills, food/supplies etc), then you need to figure out roughly how much of your partner’s salary you might use for baby related activities (baby groups (a couple of £), soft play (£8), swim classes (£20/w) etc.), then with the left over you need to discuss any saving related goals you have as a couple (bigger house, holidays, longer term savings, savings for your kids).

What’s left is the fun money for both of you - for his hobbies or your gym membership etc. This may be a lot or this may be scarily little. But the point is, it’s a joint pot. He’s not giving you a budget, you are both deciding how that money will be used. If his salary isn’t huge, you will both end up sacrificing. That may mean fewer/no family holidays or it might mean no random shopping trips/nail appointments/takeaways - it depends what you’re happy giving up.

It’s pointless plucking a figure out of mid air, so have a proper chat about what the joint pot is after necessities and what would be free for ‘treats’. I’ve been a SAHM for 3+ years and I’ve never had a budget. I am, however, very aware of our joint financial situation and know that we don’t have a lot of money for treats. I knew that from the off and don’t mind because it’s temporary (I’ll return to work when my youngest starts nursery at 3).

You’ve got a lot of time to think about this stuff and the important thing is to remember that you’re not asking for an allowance from your husband - you guys are equal and you should have access to his money. But part of sharing the pot is knowing your spending will be visible and if you are tight on money, you will both have to cut back on spontaneous fun/treats. That can be harder when you’re SAH because you have more opportunities to spend plus you may want to treat yourself after giving so much of yourself to your little ones!

I think £600 would be ok providing he pays into your pension, pays extra for things for kids and pays for holidays and family days out. You will find with a new born you won't spend much as you won't have the energy. Save what you don't spend so you'll have extra in other months. Don't fall into the trap of him merely topping you back up to £500 each month. I know a lady with 2 toddlers that this happened too. They had agreed £500 pcm but her DH just used to top up her account back to £500 so if she hadn't spent much she got far less.

We have a joint account, his money is our money. We discuss big purchases over £100 otherwise I spend what I like, do all the house stuff, food shopping and cooking. Don’t ask permission for anything else. I oversee the bills probably have a better idea of monthly expenditure than he does. So I have full access, no allowance.

I actually agree. I think it’s fine when the woman is 31 and husband 51, but what about when you’re 51 OP, still very much active, social with full health and your husband is 71 and starting to get all sorts of ailments.

Also what about when he retires? Will you continue working for 20years? Or can he afford to find your early retirement? You won’t ever be at the same stage to enjoy life together. Not to mention that if you’re a SAHM your career may not be up to much to sustain you all once he’s retired.

I don’t mean to be doom and gloom, and perhaps love wins. But these are serious things to consider if you marry and have a child together.

Maybe some people should go on the nurseries board and read stories about children struggling in nurseries then. Just let women be SAHMs if they want to for goodness sake. No need for the constant scare mongering and doom and gloom.

How long would you want to be SAHM for before returning to the workforce?

Personally in this day and age I think it’s extremely important for woman to maintain their financial independence - it gives you a complete range of options for the future. Women never plan to separate etc with kids, but it happens then they’re stuck in loveless relationships due to financial independence or their skills are redundant so getting back on the career ladder becomes so difficult. Bake the career in early and it’s a safety net - even if moving into a less pressured or a part time role.

Clearly you aren’t comfortable with being financially independent anyway. Therefore the other option is simply not to have kids with him.

Also as he’s older when does he plan on retiring? If he retires say 66, your child will still be at school. If you don’t maintain a career and potential earnings you will be reliant on whatever your financial situation is and his pension. Sounds a weird consideration but worth thinking through the financial implications of this also.

You should work out what your household income will be if you become a sahm, deduct your bills and essentials like food, then work out what you have left and divide it between savings and disposable income. Imo you should both have the same savings and disposable income if you jointly decide to have a kid and one or you give up work. Your partner should also probably contribute towards a pension for you whilst you aren't getting one from work.

Nothing lasts forever, and life is unpredictable. His business could be lost at any point and he may have to get a regular job.. you may have to ask well ..

You'd assume you'd be a stay at home mom, but maybe it won't be possible...or maybe it would but you wouldn't like it and want to be at work on the outside.

It's never a bad idea to have an extra or personal generated income and yourself an outside job. .

The planning for children and discussion of finances and estimates for a child or multiple that aren't even in presence nor awareness is... isn't a good idea.

You don't even know if you'll be successful in getting pregnant, nor carrying long term.

You don't know if you'll have a developmental and capable healthy child or multiple. You could wind up with a child needing round the clock professional care, and life sustaining medical equipment and care.

Most of the income, if not all should go towards the child, your expenses, the future, household things, perhaps childcare.. emergencies...
Everything seems like sweet talk and a good idea now....

but once the child comes, you may be back on here complaining how you alone manage most things, is super exhausted, lonely, how your husband doesn't anything once home, how your relationship is terrible and you're thinking about leaving him, etc...

Sahm means that you handle everything or most things pertaining to the child and home, while he works and provide financially.

Children change relationships. He may not want to deal with a possibly fussy, very active child and a possibly nagging wife. When he comes home, he'll want to relax, sleep, eat, or do whatever he wants on his time off.

You make it seem like he's controlling anyways.

At least have a job or two ..even if there are children, so that if something happens in which you have to go on without him... there's less worry

I happen to adore my autistic child and think the world would be a lot shitter without him in it.

OP its also worth considering the long term implications of being a SAHM for a period, and ideally speak to your partner about continuing contributions into your pension at their current level whilst you aren't working. Otherwise you'll have a significantly lower pension pot in the future. If at some point you go back to work part time, also try and make sure your pension is contributed to at the full time equivalent rate. The gender pension gap is worse than the gender pay gap due to career breaks and part time roles taken on predominantly by women