If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

Yes, major life change that you need to seriously consider

DH and I had the same amount of discretionary income. We shared everything. If he got a bonus at work, we shared it.

I would not consider having a baby with a man who didn’t believe in doing the same.

Also I’d be wary of “old sperm” - sorry for being graphic! There’s a much higher risk of having a child with SEN particularly autism from an older man.

Anywhere from £1000 to £2000 a month which does include food shop, toiletries, cleaning products etc. I spend that on clothes for kids, petrol, clothes and beauty products for me, days out with kids etc. I get my nails done and hair done with it too. If I wanted a big purchase e.g. a handbag I would check with him first but he’s never said no. Some things come out separately to the credit card (from our joint account), which would be like my gym membership, phone contract or car payment for example.

Very fortunate and not usual ime

Wow!
You have struck gold

Can we please stop with this ableist crap. Many of us quite like being autistic.

When I was a sahm and even now it was 1 joint current account. I had my own account too for cms for my eldest. . Use as we see fit . No limits as long as bills were paid. If there is 1k money left after bills and I wanted to spend £900 of it I could.
If I wanted to transfer it all to my savings I could ( never did)
Dh has never been a spender so didn't really worry about equals. And I don't buy make up , skin care etc. If I go shopping I buy us both things as well as dcs.
This has been same pre marriage and now we're married with our own dcs.

Oh I wouldn’t like this at all.

I work so we don’t have to do this but id be uncomfortable with it, i def wouldn’t want to have to ask for money.

i think the only way way if you’re not working is to go full hog and just share your resources.

spend a month or two working out what you spend on yourself and let him know, then I wouldnt be asking for money but rather he is aware of how you giving up work would impact on both of you, financially and mentally.

if I didn’t work I would want a fully joint bank account and to spend as if it was my own. Similarly I would make concessions if between us we couldn’t both afford the lifestyle.

Then go back to work. You might find you hate being stuck at home all day with a baby/toddler, I did!

Then go back to work

It's not ableist. You clearly have no clue of the reality of caring for severely autistic children.

Older sperm also have an increased risk of schizophrenia. Is it also ableist to not want my child to be schizophrenic?

Sorry if you’ve answered this OP and I’ve missed it but when is he planning to retire and how would that fit in with your shared goal that you don’t work for 5 years-ish?

Usually people in their 50s start trying to double down on saving for retirement. If he wants to retire at, say, 60, he’s going to be financially supporting another adult and one or more children during the period when a lot of people would be focussing on saving for retirement.

Also bear in mind that you won’t be saving for your own retirement while you aren’t work. And with a much older partner I imagine you will want to retire early - if you don’t retire till you’re 65, he’ll be 85 and probably not up to travelling the world anymore.

I would be really careful with this one OP. You could easily end up as a nurse with a purse in your 50s.

£500 doesn’t sound like a lot especially if you want to add to your own savings out of that. How much fun money do you currently have per month? I would at least what you spend currently but really I think you should have access to all the money if you will be married

We have a joint account and I don’t have a budget. I’m not a stay at home mum but have a very low paid part time job with very minimal hours but I will be soon. We have 4&8 year old and I spend whatever I like whenever I like. He wouldn’t give me a budget I’m not a child 😂 I’m raising his kids while he works hard for us

I was a SAHM and my husbands money was our money, because I was looking after our children! But we didnt have much 😂. So there wasn't much to spare.
Still the same now. I work but not as much as him but it's our money. Joing account, everything shared. I don't need to ask him permission to buy things not does he have to ask me but we have to be sensible because life is expensive!!

You could analyse your spending habits gor the last year or two to try and gauge how much you are spending on yourself, and potentially use that as a guide.

To be honest there simply is a level of vulnerability for most sahm's (or even just mums on mat leave), and some are able to navigate that better than others - psychologically and practically speaking.

It is many years since we got married but we always just had both salaries paid into a joint account and everything comes out of that. When I was at home with young DC I didn't have a 'budget' as such. Perhaps we're lucky that we have similar attitudes to prioritising spending, even when things have been tough financially. I think you need a very frank discussion about what you would like the family finances to cover (pension, savings, facials, clothes, coffee and cake) and how much that needs to be. Your age difference also makes it likely that there will be disparity between you already in regards to property, savings and pensions. Hope you can reach agreement.

I work full time. After contributing towards bills I have £900 a month. I put £500 into ISA and use the remaining as and when required. When I was a SAHM I didn’t have any budget, we just had a joint account for all our bills and I could spend as I wanted. I also still had my own money from when I was working in my personal account. If you are marrying and having kids, have a joint account for all bills and expenses is best you can still maintain personal accounts for extras. Also deciding on the amount now might not make any sense unless you are already pregnant. Getting married and conceiving might take time. So what is alright now money wise might not be ok later.

I work 3 days a week. We have a main bank account where all our money goes. I then have my own Starling account and have £150 a month as my 'fun' money

My spouse sends me money once a month, I also have my own savings. I don't need to ask permission as it's mine to do what I want, although I don't spend too much.

I have £500. I out £100 straight into a separate account for school holidays. So I have £400.
I get my hair cut and coloured every 8 weeks and a facial once per month. Leaves me with around £250. I buy clothes/toiletries separately if I want them. The £250 i pay for my gym membership and coffees/lunches when im catching up with friends. Anything left over goes into savings. Kids activities (football, gymnastics, netball etc) are already taken care of, but if we go trampolining or swimming or climbing i usually cover those costs. It's tight some times, but I just take a little extra if I need it.
For the record, dh doesn't have a budget like me, but he does have a premier league team season ticket and supports home and away, he gets clothes and toiletries whenever he needs them, he also catches up with the lads once a month or so, so it's not all one sided.

SAHP is a luxury these days.

Also, do NOT put your career on hold while unmarried.

OK, good for you. Plenty of people don't like it, and wouldn't want kids to have it either. It's not ableist to want kids with no extra needs.

THANK YOU - exactly this.