If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

You’re doing exactly what you tell people not to do on nursery/working mum threads. When I voice my opinion that nurseries are grim for babies and young toddlers that’s somehow wrong even though people are also free to ignore that opinion.

@SouthLondonMum22 when people say they feel bad about leaving their babies in nurseries for long days we all have to pretend it’s all fine and dandy and they shouldn’t worry. If you dare to suggest that maybe their instinct isn’t wrong and there’s another way of living, you’re apparently guilt tripping mums.

As I said, OP sounds unsure to me and not completely set on SAHM which is different to a thread about someone with a child already in nursery, asking about something related to nurseries and you telling someone your opinion on nurseries but you know that already.

The person on the other thread said she didn’t like her child doing long days in nursery and felt mum guilt.. that sounds like someone who might be undecided. Where did OP on this thread say she’s undecided?

Questioning why a mum would have children only to have them in nursery is the very definition of guilt tripping.

What does he spend on himself?

Fairest is you both have equal fun money

Unexpected weird feelings, not wanting to feel beholden to a man etc all sounds undecided to me.

Especially since she isn't even pregnant yet.

She feels weird about being give a budget. It would be more appropriate to, say, suggest a joint account with equal access.

Anyway, you are clearly very pro working/childcare and against being a SAHM which is fine. Please understand other people might have a completely different opinion and are equally entitled to voice it (and any OP can decide for themselves if relevant or not to them).

Think carefully. You could be waving your kids off to university and then find yourself having to care for an elderly man rather than enjoying your fifties and sixties. Money could end up being the least of your worries.

NGL I don’t think that a decent, sensible man in his fifties would choose to impregnate a young woman and see her give up her career and pension in return for a monthly allowance.

Sorry OP.

Of course you're entitled to voice it, it has never stopped you. Even if the OP decides it isn't relevant to them.

Pooled money. Joint account. A small amount specifically for your private spending. Stay part time at least. This gives you the most options.

Why is he giving the number? What is it based on? What would be expected to be included/excluded from that amount - eg trips out with kids, presents for family, etc? How much does he get?

I’m not a sahm, we both work full time but we have joint money. All bills and expenses are paid and then we both get £700 to spend as we like. I would recommend you do the same. Work out your joint outgoings and both get the same fun money. As a side note though I think if you’re uncomfortable giving up work then don’t. You could work full time and use childcare, go part time or condense your hours, you don’t have to be a sahm if you don’t want too.

I actually agree with you and I don’t agree with all the “you must not ever become a sahm as your dh will inevitably become abusive and shaft you” comments.

It’s different for everyone. I know sahms in my situation still in happy marriages and women who went back to work whose marriages have broken down. And vice versa. I’ve not worked for 18 years now and have no intention of going back to work. I do some voluntary work. It’s worked out very well for us. We had 4 dcs and we never wanted to put them in childcare. Our choice.

My dh is very generous and doesn’t spend much on himself at all. He’d give me his last penny.

He is a high earner and gets pleasure from seeing me make our house lovely, wear nice clothes etc, buy us nice food etc. He leaves all the decisions about holidays/trips etc to me. He always jokingly says “I earn the money and she spends it” but he is possibly quite unusual in that way. He likes the good life! We both do.

We do have property and investments in both our names though so il be ok should he suddenly run of with a 20 yo. And if we somehow lost everything I’d be ok too.

Any woman wanting to be a sahm should be married first and have her name put on any property - Just in case the marriage doesn’t even last 5 years. That’s my no.1 piece of advice.

But we shouldn’t let fear of losing a career (especially if it doesn’t bring you joy) stop us from enjoying our children’s childhood first hand. That is a privilege that will definitely never be clawed back and any woman who gets the opportunity and wants to do it absolutely shouldn’t be made to feel like they’re an idiot for doing so.

It does come across very anti sahm on here at times.

This. I feel from your post that you won't like not working and not having your own money. Rather then SAHM (didn't fancy it but I can see how it works for my SAHM friends) I went down to 2 days per week (Teacher). And we just shared the household income. We have 4 children now and I don't know that I will ever return to full time work but I will up my hours when appropriate.

You might enjoy working part time and having your own contribution and your baby may love nursery or childminder! Just something else to consider if it's an option. Good luck OP and to answer your question. I think £500 is a good starting point ✨

At 31 if you definitely want kids I’d be thinking sooner rather than later, many people have kids in their late thirties even early forties, but lots of women experience fertility issues and after 35 the odds are not in your favour. I started trying at 25 and it took 4 years to have my first, certainly that’s unlucky, but if I’d waited 10 years I think it’s unlikely I’d have kids.

For finance, we really didn’t have much, so everything went into a joint account, we both cut right back on spending and I went back to work at 9 months. When dd was first born the idea of spending her to nursery was awful, but actually by 9 months I was completely ready to go back to work part time, being a SAHM isn’t for everyone and you don’t really know if you’ll enjoy it until you’re there.

After you've paid all the bills, and put thw agreed amount of money into your joint accounts, personal savings and pensions. However much is left gets split?

Money is a bit tight at the moment but we have a joint account and all money is 'our money'. My husband is very grateful that I stay home and definitely considers us both equals when he comes to finances.

And how much are you budgeting for him?

If it's not also 500 exactly, with you having complete access to current account and all savings accounts, then I don't see where the appeal or the fairness is?

Sadly it is becoming increasingly rare for employers to agree to part time hours, especially as low as 2 days. So it’s definitely not something you can bank on when planning these things.

We each have £300 a month for personal spending, everything for the kids/day out etc comes from the joint account so that money really is just for me. It's always been like that, pre children and post me going back to work which I did part time when they were each about 2.5.

In addition I am paranoid about pensions so set up a SIPP and a LISA before maternity leave which we put in the max you can each month. Both attract a government top up (you can save £240 a month into a SIPP and still get 20% tax relief even if you're unemployed, and £4k a year into the LISA gets a 25% bonus). I'd highly recommend getting that sorted asap.

I have friends who now work a couple of days for their partner's business around free nursery hours/school pick ups which works well, maybe that could be an option for you?

Ask him what he’s got against pooling his salary, your income (e.g. maternity pay / maternity allowance) and then splitting what is left after household and family bills are paid.

Because I suspect that in his suggested set up where you get £500 a month, he’ll have access to an awful lot more than that after bills are paid AND he’ll expect kid related expenses to come out of your share.

Someone will be along to tell me I’m being unfair I’m sure but I think having a baby with someone 20 years your senior is madness for many reasons.

The most important thing is you both have the same amount. We chose £500 each which is just for spending everything else is paid from our joint account including gym memberships, phones, subscriptions, nights out/takeaways together, cars etc. children’s stuff, clothes, activities etc all comes from the joint account.

I've not been a SAHM but I would start the other way round....

What will your income be as a couple (I.e. his earnings)
Take off your joint outgoings (mortgage, bills, allowance for car repairs etc - would look at it annually not monthly)
Have a discussion about what's left and your priorities. I.e. savings, how important is a holiday, budget for less obvious stuff like birthday presents.
What's left is your fun money (split in half). If it's not enough then either tighten your budget for things above or you'll need to go back to work and earn (taking into account childcare costs).

There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM or a working Mum, but although it's very sensible to plan, you may feel differently when the baby arrives.

The money would go into a joint account, all bills would be covered from it, including food, car, petrol etc and whatever was left would be divided equally in half. (If money is to go in savings it should also come from the “pot” before deciding what’s left as disposable income). That’s the only fair way of doing it. You could calculate now how much that would be. If he wants you to have less than him, then I’d not entertain the idea.