If you’re a SAHM how much do you budget each month for yourself

[Lorcal]

For things like clothes, skincare, make up, beauty appointments, gym membership etc.

I somewhat unexpectedly got involved with a man (widower, no kids) and there is a significant age gap. 20 years. we have been together for two years. Im 31.

In my head I was in absolutely no rush to have children. But my partner is very much interested. We are very seriously discussing marriage and children.

Im just very nervous. I’m well educated and have done decently with my career. As such I have a very carefree lifestyle when it comes to spending. I can definitely treat myself to nice skincare, the odd facial, nail appointments etc. I think it would be hard to roll that completely back.

My partner is a successful business owner (vet practice) and is comfortable. But nothing stratospheric.

I’m doing the maths and I’m just really not sure. I assumed I would be a SAHM for a little while when/if I had kids. But I also assumed I’d have 3 or 4 more years of savings under my belt before that point.

Bf has thrown around a few figures and I’m just really unsure what is reasonable.

Im definitely not high maintenance but I like to go out and I like to look after myself.

The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission? It’s so yuck. But I wouldn’t want to send my children to nursery when they are very young. So I see no other option than being given a budget.

partner would also prefer the SAHM option. I’m not against it per se just some aspects seem far from ideal.

I’m career driven but after having a kid… rather have a bit less and be with the kid. Most my career women friends are like wtf have we done- much rather be being a mom and looking after home and myself and the guy earning the larger part of the household income. You will struggle to get a nail appointment in ;) however it’s also the best thing you will ever do- I’d never look back and think oh I’m so glad I had a career and my nails done, but I will always think she’s the best thing I ever did.

in a different perspective- a lot of my friends struggled to conceived- if it takes you 3-4 years you’ll be saving anyway, in hindsight I’d rather try younger and worry about money later than try older and struggle to get pregnant, eggs are better, ivf rates better the younger you are. My one friend can’t have a baby and she regrets waiting till 35 to start trying (not that this will happen to you- I’m just saying these are things you don’t even think of)

Not every mum wants to be with their children all the time. 🤷

Not sure how that is relevant to anything I said.

You can't see how? Some of us can.

Ok…? Who said every mum has to?

Most peole have a budget. Unrestricted spending can lead to debt even if you have a good income. So impossible to say what your personal spending budget should be. It depends on how much money is coming into the house and how much is going out in the way of bills and household expenses.

Yeah probably, if we include holidays and day trips/ local travel spread out over the year too. Not that much on beauty tbh, more on having fun. Although if I was a SAHM I probably wouldn't eat out as much or go away as much. Baby might take offence.

The key is that your dh also has the same budget. Me and dh used to have 500 each now money is a little tight it's 300. We both have equal spends everything else is the joint pot for family/house/savings

I think that's what's given you the ick is you being the only one with a budget

My husband earns a lot of money. We are very lucky, but I, like you, have always been uncomfortable with being given budget etc.

Whilst I am obviously not financially independent (we have a lifestyle nicer than if he earnt my salary) - I have always kept a job (out for mat leave only) working 30 hours a week. I like having a pension, my own income, career.

I wouldn't give up work.

Don’t look at it as being “given a budget” but as having shared finances with equal spending power. This isn’t about you being a SAHM, this js about becoming a family.

My DH and I have both had times as the higher earner, we pool all our money, work out what we can afford after bills and savings and take equal amounts into our personal accounts to spend however we want. There’s no weird power dynamics and while there are things I can’t afford now that I could afford before children, that’s because children are expensive, not because my husband has given me pin money like a 1950s housewife.

Would you choose for any future children of yours to also be autistic?

Interesting question. I'm a stay at home mum and my husband is a business owner. I'm a director and get a salary/ dividends paid from that as a 'wage'. It matches what I used to earn, so it makes it simple really. We still divide everything up like we always have. I have my own money, savings, pensions etc. I would be careful making assumptions about how you 'might' feel when you have a baby though. I found my old job extremely difficult to balance with parenting and so my staying at home works for our family much better. However - so many women I know couldn't wait to get back to work after mat leave and wouldn't dream of being a SAHM. It's good to be prepared of course, but honestly things change when you have kids.

If you change your initial premise of not sending your child to nursery, and not become a SAHM, then that’s a possible compromise.

Don't go I to this with him if he's 'giving you a budget'. Don't have kids unless you are married especially if you are thinking y being a sham. If you get married then your combined money is family money and you manage it together. You don't get a budget from him. You budget together. You don't get an allowance for self care. You both split money left over after bills, savings etc equally between two and spend that on whatever you choose.

"The idea of being given a budget is just so icky. What if I want a treatment one day? Will I have to ask my partner for permission?"

Have you considered that as a SAHP it's unlikely you can just spontaneously decide to get a treatment one day? You will need to arrange childcare, which is going to involve essentially asking for permission. As well as talking about budgets with your DP, you need to be talking about childcare expectations. Many men expect that a SAHM will do it all and they will be free to come and go as they please.

They probably would be, because I am. But I’m happy with the DCs I have.

I don't think changing jobs to become a director in your husband's company is the same as being a SAHM (i.e. not working) though is it?

I don’t think a budget will work. You spend what you need to spend, so a credit card that’s paid off each month would be better. £500 won’t last long if you want clothes, make up, skin care, beauty appts, gym and other random things. Then you’ll have to ask him for more money, he may ask what you need it for…

When I was a sahm I spent what I needed to but I knew what was in the accounts, what was coming out and what we had left. Obviously i didn’t spend so much that we didn’t have enough for bills but with children there are places to go and things to be bought.
When the dc were young we didn’t have much money so i didn’t spend a lot on myself but neither did dh. We were not in a position where I was given a set amount and he got a whole load more to spend what he wanted.

When you’re married with children there needs to be transparency and shared money or it won’t work.

I agree that asking for a budget is icky.

I guess a lot depends on your view of marriage and/or finances, but for me and my husband all of our money is shared. I won't lie and say there have never been disagreements, but equally we've never had any situations where we have to ask permission to spend money or feel like the other has power over us. Won't work for everyone but it works well for us. We're generally pretty sensible with money and agree any large purchases.

Alternatively, I'd suggest an account for all household spending and separate personal accounts with the same amount put in to each, so whatever your personal budget that's also partner's personal budget too.

You personally spend £2k a month on holidays for you?

admittedly my family hols are from a separate pot.

i work and earn £60k base a year and DH £70k base (bonus on top)and we give ourselves £500 a month each.

unless my partner was on £500k plus, I dnt know how I could mentally justify spending £2k as my personal allowance to spend on myself when I’m not working

Just an fyi when you’re a sahm there is no
time for treatments!

Not £2k a month just on holidays! £500/week on myself all in, yes probably. I'm not a SAHM though, I'm talking about pre-baby/no-baby expenses.

The point I was making was that it's not really relevant to OP to ask what others' personal monthly expenditure is because the answers will be different for everyone, it's more important she thinks about (a) how much she is willing/able to live on (b) how to make that feel fair cf her husband and (c) what expenses she will be expected to cover with that money.

I mean I don’t really get many treatments done but if I really wanted to I could always go in the evening once my husband finished work or at the weekend. It’s not much different to when you’re working full time really is it unless you’re going in your lunch break.

I was going to say you must live quite the life!

yeah prior to kids I used to piss £1k away a month on fa and that was when I earned £25k a year, nearly tripled the salary and yet that an my personal allowance has halved. As you say all relative

I really wouldn't assume that you won't want to work after having a baby. If you enjoy your career, why wouldn't you, even if it were part time? I had to return to work after having my dd but also I quickly worked out that I really missed being around adults.