To be furious at my ‘supposedly’ best friend?

[missblueberrypie]

My ‘’best friend’’ is getting married in a few months. We’ve known each other since primary school and we always had an agreement that when we get married we would have each other as our maid of honours. I kept up my end of the bargain when I married my DWife three years ago. I fully expected that I would receive the same honour but apparently not. I found out that I will be a bridesmaid whilst her sister is the maid of honour. I might be overreacting but I am quite upset and frankly furious. I thought we knew each other better than this and I don’t know if the relationship will ever be the same tbh. I was even more heartbroken when she said that the reason behind this snub is the fact that I am pregnant and would not be able to put 100% effort into wedding planning. What should I do going forward?

Oh dear.

You're pregnant, her reasons are valid OP. I suspect hormones have amplified your feelings.

This isn't a big deal.

You don't know that. You might still have chosen your friend and you might not have. Especially if the friend was pregnant.

How far along are you? When is the wedding?
You said the wedding is "in a few months".
So it could be close to your due date. What if you go into labour and end up having to miss the wedding? Or it could be after your due date and you have a newborn and could end up having to miss the wedding altogether or it might just end up being really difficult to be MOH and have a newborn at the wedding, or the baby has to stay at home with grandparents or whatever.

I don't blame her at all. You being pregnant changes everything.

OP, had you talked about this agreement since secondary school? If you had talked about it in the last 5 to 10 years, perhaps it would have been kind of her to have a quick word with you before you discovering that her sister was maid of honour. But you do seem to be overreacting a bit.

Why are you so hurt? Are you quite isolated generally, do you depend a lot on this one friend and have quite a small social circle, do you take rejection easily? Do you form intense friendships? Do you have a busy life otherwise? I’m just trying to understand why you are hurt to this degree.

I can understand this stung you, as you were expecting to be MOH. However this is one of life's personal disappointments that you move on from. And for gods sake, don't say anything to anyone in real life. Don't question the friendship- she didn't choose another friend- she chose her sister. And for all you know, she might have been disappointed when you announced your pregnancy, as this would change her hen/ MOH plans. But she wouldn't say anything.
Honestly op if this is the biggest problem you have to occupy your thoughts, you are very very lucky.
Offer your help at appropriate moments, be glad for your friend. That's good sensible advice.

Be happy you can relax and enjoy the day without the headache of all that planning and just enjoy being pregnant and being a bridesmaid for your dear friend.

Your love of planning (and making this all about you!) are perhaps the reason why she has gone with the traditional approach of asking her sister?

You come across as OTT and a bit controlling and maybe she wants someone a bit more chilled and easy to get along with in charge of arranging her hen do? You are her best friend, not her only friend and having a MOH who can get along with everyone/ who isn't jealous of the other friendships / doesn't see themselves in a starring role will make her life far easier.

I kind of understand op, when I got married I had my best friend as my moh over my sister. Me and my sister had a falling out years before and I wasn’t even invited to her wedding lol so I didn’t feel like it was something I had to do, my best friend had helped me alot more over the years and helped with the decorations etc (something my sister volunteered herself for then never bothered doing any of it) I did have my niece as a bridesmaid too.

A few years later and my best friend is now engaged but has decided to elope due to not being able to choose bridesmaid/moh. I was a little bit 🤷‍♀️ but ultimately it’s her wedding so never let it bother me !

Who are the 3% who voted YANBU? Reveal yourselves immediately!

Wow what an overreaction. How do you move forward ? You suck it up and enjoy her wedding. Furious 😂how entitled to think you would come before her sister

My family wouldn't let me have anyone other than my sister as my maid of honour. And, yes, I'm aware I could have stood my ground, but the fallout would have been huge and awful. Not worth it. Fortunately, my preferred maid of honour understood and was just happy to be my bridesmaid. Maybe your friends in a similar situation @missblueberrypie ?

And you probably would have upset your mother, father, grandparents and not least of all your sister if you had done this. It could have caused major upset

I'm sorry that you are so upset by all of this but unfortunately this is the way it goes with families and weddings.

I had to have a backup plan for someone to give me away as at one point my brother wasn't giving me away.

Great. You don't have to spend hours of your life planning someone else's event unpaid while you are pregnant. Dodged a bullet there.

I haven't read the full thread but just wanted to show my appreciation for the descriptor 'big boss bridesmaid '.
Going forward that's the term I shall be using.

OP it's probably to do with family dynamics; your friend is expected to choose her sister.

I hope you move on and have a lovely day at the wedding. It's raw for you at the moment and you're pregnant.

But I love weddings so much. I just wish I could be there for her

Is your husband/wife yours? You’re allowed friends outside. The love for my friend is platonic whilst that for my wife is romantic.

You sound like a whiny child.

Have you taken on board anything anyone has said to you? 97% of the thousands of respondents think you’re being unreasonable. Is that penetrating at all?

Yeah that’s what I think 😔

I'm so sorry this happened to you 😔

Jeez grow up woman

What should you do?! Maybe grow the hell up if you’re about to become a parent…….Jesus Christ 🙄

Wouldn’t let you? Are you a child?

So what?!

But you will be. I don't understand why you even want to get involved in the hen and wedding planning. It is a PITA. Sit back, relax and enjoy the event when it happens.

You are a pregnant mother why do you want the aggro?

Does the sister have any children and is she pregnant?

@Booksandwine80 no, but I'm from a violent, abusive, and addiction-ridden family that I still love despite all that. And from a fairly conservative culture/ community, which I married out of. It's not uncommon to be "out" of the community when you do that. So I had many reasons to otherwise do things according to our traditions. Not sure there was any need to be so snappy tbh!

@missblueberrypie thank you, but I really didn't mind. My wedding was a big family/ community thing, not a 'me' day, if that makes sense. I don't feel badly robbed of anything!

You do sound quite immature. Do you think maybe generally one of you is maturing faster than the other (ie your friend is able to deal with changes and flexibility in a way you aren’t).