To be furious at my ‘supposedly’ best friend?

[missblueberrypie]

My ‘’best friend’’ is getting married in a few months. We’ve known each other since primary school and we always had an agreement that when we get married we would have each other as our maid of honours. I kept up my end of the bargain when I married my DWife three years ago. I fully expected that I would receive the same honour but apparently not. I found out that I will be a bridesmaid whilst her sister is the maid of honour. I might be overreacting but I am quite upset and frankly furious. I thought we knew each other better than this and I don’t know if the relationship will ever be the same tbh. I was even more heartbroken when she said that the reason behind this snub is the fact that I am pregnant and would not be able to put 100% effort into wedding planning. What should I do going forward?

If the sister is 9 years younger that is why she was never considered as maid of honour material when you were teens, as she was a little girl and teens don't see their annoying younger siblings as ever growing up. Sister is now an adult and their relationship will have matured, I'm sorry but sister trumps friend, don't spoil your friendship over a childs promise that excluded her sister because of her age at the time.

Also if the sister knows the other bridesmaids better (eg cousins) it makes sense for her to be the chief bridesmaid since you said you didn't really know them.

What should I do going forward?

Honestly? You sound stuck in all your posts. I think you should probably discuss with a counsellor about why you are having such a massive and immature overreaction to a perceived snub that originates in a school girl fantasy. You are allegedly an adult, married with a child of your own and expecting another. Yet, you are behaving and posting as if you are still about 10.

Whatever agreement you made as children was made in immaturity. Her sister, who is 9 years younger, was probably still a baby/toddler. Certainly a very young child and therefore it will not have occurred to either of you that as adults, that 9 year gap would be a lot smaller than it was when you weren't much more than 9 yourselves. Nor did either of you know anything about wedding planning and how stressful it can be.

It sounds to me as if she has tried to be kind. Still made you a bridesmaid, but taken any extra pressure off you. But that isn't enough for you. Why is that? Why are you wanting her wedding to be about you and your childhood based vision instead of being able to centre her (and her fiancé) and their wishes on their day?

OP, there are 13 pages of replies and I think could count on one hand the number who think you're being rational.

You need to let it go.

Gently, this is a you problem, not a her problem. Ultimately, it’s her day, not yours, you don’t get to decide. You made a deal years ago at school, erm, things change. You clearly are important as you are one of the bridesmaids. Re. the hen do I don’t see why you couldn’t reach out to the sister and say you would love to get involved in organising as well am sure that the additional help would be appreciated especially if you’re keen. You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill, don’t ruin a friendship over something relatively so small (however it might feel to you).

Hi OP. I think you are over reacting and perhaps a bit more sensitive with the pregnancy hormones (kindly). Being a bridesmaid is an honour and certainly important. You will be included in planning surely. I've been a bridesmaid twice. Once MOH and I absolutely shared all the planning with the other bridesmaids. Do you have a sister? I do agree with others that normally you would chose your sister as MOH and she was maybe under pressure to do so. Good luck and enjoy your pregnancy and the wedding!

You asked AIBU and 97% of people think you are. I have rarely seen such a definitive result.

It's pretty decisive so if you aren't going to take any notice then you have wasted your time with this thread.

@missblueberrypie did it ever occur to you that perhaps she thinks she is making the right choice for both of you. With respect you are pregnant with your second your priority shouldn’t be her wedding it should be your family.

She is right there, any decision you made as her maid of honour should have been taking that into account and she didn’t want that she wanted someone who would plan for her and just her.

Her mistake I think was not talking to you but you kind of have to see why she did it

Don’t be a dick. Sisters pretty much always come before the best mate for MOH at weddings. If they’ve got a sister and they’re close they’re going to be picked. Can you imagine the family fall out if she didn’t?

Plus she’s being thoughtful… you won’t want to do all the planning when pregnant and with so much else going on.

When is the wedding and when is your baby due?

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time and that you are disappointed. She clearly values you as you are a bridesmaid and she hasn't chosen some other friends to be maid-of-honour.

A sister (unless a family rift) usually does trump a friend in getting first dibs for roles. I don't have a sister so my childhood friend was my maid of honour. However, had my brother (who had another role in the wedding) been a girl, he would have been my MOH.

Also deals made as school children don’t count. Or else my firstborn child should be named after a friend I barely ever see and don’t particularly like anymore.

You’re married, you’re going to be a mother. You’re too old to be stamping your foot like Veruca Salt crying it’s not fair.

give yourself the day and then let this go. You don’t have a sister so you don’t know what pressure you might have been under if you did have one. You can still do beautiful things for the Bride

be rational, don’t throw away years of friendship over being a maid of honour….its her sister it’s normal to have your sister as head Bridesmaid.

It’s her sister. Get a grip.

Bizarre that you think the bride is acting appallingly, she is a bridesmaid. I might agree if she wasn't invited to the wedding. The bride isn't being a bridezilla about this, she can ask whoever she wants, this sounds like the OP wants to have a 'starring' role in the wedding for some reason.
If the OP is prepared to let this affect her friendship then that's a shame but says more about the OP than the bride.

If I was your friend and I found out you were behaving like this it would be me dropping you, not the other way round. Get a grip.

You sound like you're 10 years old. Grow up and be happy for your friend that she's getting married.

Maybe it would be better if your friend realises that instead of being happy for her, you're bitter and a silly 'deal' made as children.

Genuine question; isn't your wife your "best friend"?

You don't know that. You don't know what it's like to have a sister, so you can't assume that you would choose a friend over a sister

A close sister would always be MOH IMO. I’ve planned hen do’s when I’ve not been the MOH, so just because you aren’t doesn’t mean you won’t still be involved. Getting upset over a childhood promise is insane

They were children when they made this agreement. I made an agreement with my friend when we're 15 that if we couldn't find anyone to marry us by 30 we would get married to each other. Pretty sure neither of us would have expected it to happen.

Is it so weird to want your sister as your MOH? I don't think so.

Planning what though ? No one had any say on what happened at our wedding apart from myself and my husband
My sis - who was my MOH and only bridesmaid-only had to do was arrange hen party, but she got a lot of guidance and pointers from me though. She had nothing else to do it wasn't her getting married
Its not your wedding you dont get any say, dont wnat to be bridesmaid then say so - You are having a baby soon thats what you will be planning for

That's the most insanely glass-half-empty viewpoint. These are not integral life experiences and you have actual great things to be happy about - best friend getting married, being a bridesmaid, being pregnant, being married, having DC. If you think missing out on planning a hen do is this big tragedy, you need some real problems to grapple with.

And if you think for more than a few seconds, you'll realise how daft it is to say that if you had a sister, you'd still have picked your friend as MoH. Literally everyone including your friend says otherwise and so would you if you stop feeling sorry for yourself and think - actually, are sisters the first choice for MoH? Of course you'd have picked your sister. Come down to earth and see this for what it is - really not a big deal nor a loss to you. You can enjoy the hen and wedding and be happy for your friend. It's not about you, that's not being sidelined, that's just being part of something bigger and it's good for the ego.

But you're not there for her now. You're making this about you.

And really, whatever you think, her sister would always come first.