To be furious at my ‘supposedly’ best friend?

[missblueberrypie]

My ‘’best friend’’ is getting married in a few months. We’ve known each other since primary school and we always had an agreement that when we get married we would have each other as our maid of honours. I kept up my end of the bargain when I married my DWife three years ago. I fully expected that I would receive the same honour but apparently not. I found out that I will be a bridesmaid whilst her sister is the maid of honour. I might be overreacting but I am quite upset and frankly furious. I thought we knew each other better than this and I don’t know if the relationship will ever be the same tbh. I was even more heartbroken when she said that the reason behind this snub is the fact that I am pregnant and would not be able to put 100% effort into wedding planning. What should I do going forward?

This is utterly ridiculous. Crying all day? You are about to become a parent and you haven’t learnt how to regulate your emotions?
Why is being a maid of honour so important for you? Don’t you have enough going on in your life?
You have some serious growing up to do.

Ate you seriously expecting her to honour a deal that she made when she was six and probably can't even remember saying?

IIRC I had a deal with my BFF in primary school that when we were grown ups we'd live together in a mansion with a swimming pool and make and sell friendship bracelets for a living. We are still very good friends but that hasn't come to pass. Guess I'd better let her know that she owes me.

Yes but I know her sister will take over - she’s already started the planning 😔

Try to think of your friend. She may well be thinking of the family fallout of snubbing her sister in favour of you, and expects that you will understand this. My husband was best man at all 3 of his groomsmen's weddings, but his brother was his best man. Blood is thicker than water at the end of the day, and it is far easier to justify choosing the sibling.

I know you are hurting, but this is about the bride and groom and their families. If you can't get past this I'm not sure you're being a true friend.

Frankly, if this is how the OP responds to a minor setback, I imagine Beelzebub would take a step back, saying 'Oh, you know, never mind the whole deal with the devil thing -- just stop shrieking.'

Maybe she was strong armed into making her sister her MOH and your pregnancy just an excuse?

It's the American term for chief bridesmaid; the oldest "adult" (as in, puberty and beyond, basically over flowergirl age) unmarried woman attending the bride. As a married woman, strictly speaking OP could only be a matron of honour anyway. Not that it matters!

This. I would expect a sister to be MOH anyway.

It is ok to feel a bit disappointed because you thought you were going to be her MOH - whatever the reasons for you thought it, and why it didn’t happen, it’s ok to have an emotional response.

What I will say though, is I’ve been a bridesmaid several times, and MOH once (for my sister, funnily enough), and I honestly didn’t notice any difference between the two? We always just all pitched in together to do the planning. Actually when I was MOH for my sister, I did defer to her best friend on multiple things because I felt she knew her better.

My sister was my MOH despite me being closer to one of my bridesmaids - it really wasn’t a snub to the bridesmaid, more a recognition that my sister is my sister!

I’d recommend asking the bride to set up a WhatsApp group for you and the other bridesmaids (has always been the first step for every wedding party I’ve been involved in) and then you’ll know you’re not being left out of any planning. Make the best of it and enjoy being there as a bridesmaid.

Or maybe she wants her sister instead of a psycho friend who holds her to a promise she made as an actual child.

So what. Does it really matter? Just turn up on the day and smile.

You're losing me here, OP. I could kind of get being upset over the title, although as a married woman you can't actually be any kind of actual "maid" in the bridal party, it doesn't matter anyway. But the title, in a way, is sort of about you, I suppose, although it's actually decided by age and marital status, not chosen.

Planning and arranging, though, is absolutely about the bride and what she wants, and you really do need to check yourself if you're upset that she is "taking over" something that isn't about you. It's not a work project. She's the bride's sister, you really can't expect her not to be doing stuff if the bride wants her to! Just contact her, be available and enjoy helping in whatever capacity works best. I believe that the reason this kind of stuff traditionally falls to the bridesmaids is because it's assumed married women will have other family duties to attend to...

Honestly there is no difference between MOH and bridesmaid, its the SAME honor.

MOH was the American word for a Bridesmaid, in English a MOH is a nobility title. MOH and Bridesmaid in terms of weddings mean the same thing historically they are just words from different cultures.

My sister got married two years ago, I’m getting married this year. I was her MOH and she was mine, it wasn’t even a question! I’d have been devastated if she’d asked someone else. If this ‘deal’ was made in secondary school and her sister is 9 years younger then ofc she probably couldn’t even picture her as an adult! Gently you are being unreasonable.

Also OP 'Maid' in both wedding and noble terms means 'unmarried' and a married person cannot be a 'Maid'.

“I’m never going to have the chance of being ‘chief bridesmaid’”

Just like many others of us then! It’s really not that big a deal. I don’t feel any worse off in life for never having been a chief bridesmaid/moh. I’m not that far off 50 so that chance has passed me by and I never even realised that about myself until this thread. Why? Because it’s not important.

Sorry OP, I think you are being unfairly flamed on here.

You had a longstanding agreement which your best friend whose reasoning for not keeping to it is solely because you are pregnant?

I think that's appalling behaviour and I'd also be upset. It just sounds a bit Bridezilla on her part. Personally I would also be questioning the relationship. Pregnancy does alter friendships so this might be a sign that times are changing. Could you try talking to her? I really hope you can find a way forward and congrats on your pregnancy💐

Are you taking the piss? Time to grow up.

You can't be serious.

I know I’m getting on a bit but what is the actual difference between being a bridesmaid and a maid of honour? In my day you just rocked up in a dress you didn’t particularly like and flirted with the best man 🤣. There wasn’t anything in particular to be organised. I didn’t have a hen do, and if I had we’d have just gone to the pub. It all seems so complicated now !

I believe the technical term for a married 'maid of honour' is 'matron of honour' (my mother was one for my aunt in the eighties), but it seems to have fallen out of usage.

Reasonable to be a bit sad - unreasonable to be furious and crying.

MaidZilla!

You're still included and honestly, not being a MOH is probably best for you given the fact you might not be able to dive in deep into the whole planning. I understand your frustration, but it really doesn't have to do anything with the friendhsip.Yep, there was an agreement and you did your part, but is it really that serious to ruin relationship over?

It is, although nobody really gives a monkeys these days. I remember finding it mildly interesting when reading bridal magazines for the various weddings I've been in the bridal party for, including mine.

As it is, I've been a bridesmaid, chief bridesmaid and matron of honour, as it's all decided by age and marital status really. Absolutely no frigging difference.