To be furious at my ‘supposedly’ best friend?

[missblueberrypie]

My ‘’best friend’’ is getting married in a few months. We’ve known each other since primary school and we always had an agreement that when we get married we would have each other as our maid of honours. I kept up my end of the bargain when I married my DWife three years ago. I fully expected that I would receive the same honour but apparently not. I found out that I will be a bridesmaid whilst her sister is the maid of honour. I might be overreacting but I am quite upset and frankly furious. I thought we knew each other better than this and I don’t know if the relationship will ever be the same tbh. I was even more heartbroken when she said that the reason behind this snub is the fact that I am pregnant and would not be able to put 100% effort into wedding planning. What should I do going forward?

Oh wow so many responses!

Of course I don’t think a deal made in school is legally binding, I only added in that detail to demonstrate how long we have been friends for. We have been as thick as thieves all our lives and she really is what i would imagine having a sister would feel.

Maybe furious was the wrong word, but I am so sad and feel bereft in a way I’m never going to have the chance of being ‘chief bridesmaid’ (don’t meant to get into the terminology again) for anyone. I’m never going to be able to organise a hen-do or be the have that special place in helping the bride get ready on the big day itself.

i can’t help how i feel, i just feel a bit sidelined.

I can just imagine you stamping your little foot and saying 'but it's not FAIR'! Obviously her sister is going to rank higher than a friend, no matter how long you have known her.

Obviously I’m not going to say anything and I’ll do everything with a smile on my face, but it hurts inside.

Your friend has grown up and moved on with her life journey - she has lots of other friends now who are also important to her. People you don't really know. That's normal.

I suspect you haven't moved on in the same way. I think this is a chance for you to reflect on that, and think about how you can make new friendship circles and new interests as you also mature on your life's journey.

It'll be okay. :)

If you're prepared to let this affect the relationship then you aren't really a good friend anyway.
Being bereft at not being a 'chief' is pathetic, sorry but you do need to get some perspective on this, in the overall scheme of things this is nothing.
What will you say/feel if you don't get to be godparent to her child?
You've been friends for a long time and are being included but her sister has been her sister since they were born.

Honestly you are not missing anything. Being MOH isn’t all that.

It really is the done thing to ask a sister. I don’t have a sister so chose my sister in law. My best girlfriends were bridesmaids.

You are being ridiculous.

I haven't read all the replies only yours OP so it may have already been suggested, but if I was you I would contact the sister and offer to help her with the planning and preparations. That way you will still be involved and I'm sure she will be glad of the assistance.

Three choices, ok four choices

You accept the role of bridesmaid , celebrate with your friend on her big day and thank goodness that you are pregnant so can get out of any of the worst hen night stuff.

you accept the role of bridesmaid, complain the dress makes you look like a whale, turn up with a face like thunder , scowl in all the pictures and accidentally tread on the brides dress going up the aisle.

You throw a wobbly, refuse to have anything to do with the wedding including being a guest and spend the rest of the year in tears and forever regret losing the friendship over such a silly reason.

You say you can’t take on the role of BM due to family commitments but look forward to attending the wedding and celebrating with her because you are each other’s oldest friends and you appreciate her concern for your pregnancy because she knows how upset you would be if you had to let her down at the last minute.

.

I found out that I will be a bridesmaid whilst her sister is the maid of honour.
It's normal that a sister would be MOH. Times change and life moves on and just because you made a deal when you were young doesn't mean that you both have to stick to it. Circumstances change.

I might be overreacting but I am quite upset and frankly furious
Yes you are massively overreacting.

I thought we knew each other better than this and I don’t know if the relationship will ever be the same tbh. I was even more heartbroken when she said that the reason behind this snub is the fact that I am pregnant and would not be able to put 100% effort into wedding planning
Her reasoning is fair enough. There might be other reasons but that's the one she's chosen to tell you.
"Heartbroken" is a total overreaction to this.

Genuinely what is the difference between a maid of honour and bridesmaids? No wedding I've been part of had ever made the distinction

What were you expecting/wanting to do that you think is no longer open to you?

Oh, for goodness sake, get a grip of yourself. If you love planning so much, then throw a party. Your friend does not owe you the planning of her hen/wedding.

I am so sad and feel bereft in a way I’m never going to have the chance of being ‘chief bridesmaid’

Honestly, it's an awful job.

Have you expressed your feelings to your best friend? It's understandable how you are feeling but maybe her sister made her feel bad and did what she had to....talk it through with her and accept her decision.you will always be her best friend so don't go ruining your friendship over this. Just enjoy her big day and be supportive.

Sorry but a sister comes before a friend, however good a friend you are.

Did her sister know about the deal? Did you pinky promise? Presumably you can still help with the hen do and you will be an important part of the wedding. Do you have a sister that could have been MOH, if so how did she take being demoted? If not you didn't have the problem.

What did I miss? Oh the deal was made in secondary not primary? Hardly warrants an eye roll.

This ^^^

I'm sure her sister will appreciate any help and you can show off your planning skills

Yep. Apparently that makes all the difference.

You're bereft? Come the fuck on. Honestly, you're going to be a parent. It's a good time to realise you're an adult and act like it.

I’m not close to her sister, as she is 9 years younger than us

The chief bridesmaid is literally the oldest unmarried woman attending the bride who's over flowergirl age. Once you're married, you're a matron of honour. Assuming you'll have a hand in organising stuff and be dressed as a bridal party member, what difference is it actually going to make? Will anyone at the wedding even know? These titles aren't really bestowed, they're just dealt according to age and whether you're married or not.

OP, you are sounding quite needy now.
Put yourself out of your comfort zone and offer to help her sister if she would like that. If she doesn’t respond positively at least you have tried. Why does her being younger make any difference.
That’s what being a good friend is all about.

Be happy for your friend, reach out and let her know you are delighted to be a bridesmaid and will do anything to help, wherever it’s needed. And you only wish her the best for the day.
Your friend has done nothing wrong.
You shouldn’t feel wronged by her. It’s that feeling you have of being wronged which won’t serve you well unless you nip it in the bud asap.

Ah, for fucks sake, grow up.

I cannot imagine anything worse than planning and attending a hen do or helping to organise and be in a wedding while pregnant or with a new baby. She has kindly spared you, which one day you’ll be grateful for once you understand how hard it is to have a baby.