To expect my DS to be invited too

[SoggyDunkedBiscuit]

So my partner’s youngest son is turning 21. My partner is organising a meal to celebrate for him, his other 2 son’s at a pub near our home as the son whose birthday it is lives in North Yorkshire. He is coming to stay with my partner this weekend. He isn’t one for organising things and as this is a special birthday I have suggested he does as it is not often he and all his son’s get together. One has recently returned from living abroad with his gf for 2 years. My partner has been married twice and his youngest son is from his second marriage. This isn’t important, although my DS is 20, has met all his sons and I am invited but my ds isn’t up to now. We have been in a relationship about 18 months and my partner sees more of my ds than his own sons. I think he is seeing it more of a getting all ‘his’ boys together but I’m feeling like my ds is being left out. They are half brothers and obviously my partner doesn’t see them like this (nor do I) but my ds is I guess a step-brother, well if he was included he could help to cement a ‘brotherly’ bond with them. One of his son’s has a gf of 8 years and my partner is yet to decide if she is invited. I am invited but am a bit upset it’s not been mentioned by my partner about my ds being invited too. It’s a 21st so surely he should?

AIBU to expect him to ask my ds to join the celebrations as it’s a special birthday. Also my ds will be 21 soon and I would ask / invite his son’s - TIA

I think it's a good idea to arrange a separate get together at your home so you can all get to know each other a bit better. The 21st isn't the right time for this, they hardly know each other and it would be a bit weird to have an almost stranger at your 21st birthday celebration tbh.
Just be mindful of the fact that the dc are all adults, and won't necessarily get on well just because they are a similar age and their parents are in a relationship. It would be lovely if they do, but it's not something that will happen just because you want it too.

Agree with others that if
you want to get all your kids to get to know each other then you should arrange a separate occasion. It is completely reasonable to only have people well known to the birthday boy on his birthday. I really do think this is a situation that will more likely to be weird and tense if it feels forced. Keep it light. Be aware that the chances of them all bonding are probably very small.

They are half brothers and obviously my partner doesn’t see them like this (nor do I) but my ds is I guess a step-brother, well if he was included he could help to cement a ‘brotherly’ bond with them. One of his son’s has a gf of 8 years and my partner is yet to decide if she is invited.

Your DS is not a step brother. You’re an 18 month relationship where the children have met three or four times. That’s very causal. Of course your DS shouldn’t be invited. As you say, even a partner or eight years might not get an invite!

‘He’s invited his partner but not her child’ - so..?

This isn’t one big ‘blended’ family, and doesn’t have to be. These are all adults with their own lives, that haven’t been raised with OP’s son or live with him. He isn’t their brother, or even their friend at this point. Trying to shoehorn him in to this is weird and awkward.

Catch yourself on OP! You are projecting your insecurities into this situation. This is about your partners son big birthday, don't make it about yourself. I find this embarrassing.

I think your use of the word "forge" needs to be changed to "force"! They are all adults, with their own lives, not dependent young children! There will be no blending. There is no step anything. You are basically dads new girlfriend as you've only been together 18 months.
OK, so you've met two of them maybe a couple of times. You have no idea how they think or feel about you. I certainly wouldn't be happy to have either of you, or the sons girlfriend there. I'd want to spend time with my dad and "brothers".
Stop pushing and leave him to have an intimate meal amd catch up with just "his" sons. No-one else needs to be there but them.

I’m not sure why you’re even attending, let alone your son.

I think if you're invited I can't see why your son can't be. If you weren't invited and it was just him and his boys that would be fair enough too.
It's a dinner.. How does it hurt to invite the other child involved if their mother is coming. It's about inclusion of he wants this to be a life long relationship though his history suggests he'd move on at some point.

And to the commenters saying "only 18 months", 18 months is a decent amount of time to be dating, who puts the limit on when is long enough?
Some people marry at 6 or 12 months, I have been with my partner 3 years we moved in at 8 months, even bought a house together at 18 months, both have kids and we would call our kids step siblings just as a figure of speech. I know we aren't tied by marriage and probably won't ever marry.
There are no rules or set time frames for when peoples kids meet, wheb they get married, when they move in, etc everyone does these things in their own time and way but on mumsnet there seems to be some magical date all these steps can happen.

I agree with you OP, with a relationship of that long if you're invited he hardly just wants it to be him and his boys only and if he is all in the relationship I'd have thought it would be a no brainer. Is this how he plans to continue if you did end up together forever? When he wants a dinner with his boys you'll be invited and your kids will be excluded?
I'd probably decline going myself and let him have the time just him and the boys, which there is absolutely nothing wrong with.

Everyone who decides who to invite to an event puts a limit on how long is long enough. 1 month, 1 year, 10 years, whatever. They're all deciding whether they want to invite partners and if so who counts as that.

And it doesn't matter that other people get married in 18 months. OP and DP haven't, so there's no comparison. This is a casual and not long established relationship.

I’m not trying to equate anything. I am just trying to give as much detail as I can. As my partner has been married twice he has worked hard to have his boys from 2 different ex wives keep in touch and now they’re grow up they do. I just thought it would be nice for my ds to be invited to feel included. I am invited. I guess this why I’m asking. What is considered normal / acceptable. Obviously my ds is important to me and when I host his 21st I would feel ignorant not inviting them.

OP is trying to turn the focus of a tiny family get together to celebrate one son's 21st to a meet n greet your new bro. It's intrusive and I think rude that she thinks someone who's basically a stranger to the adult children of her bf should be included. It will no longer be a catch-up of relatives that have been apart for a while. She's making her BF's son's birthday about what she wants, getting her son some forced family. You can't force that.

Her expectations are extremely unrealistic and she's been involved with the dad a relatively short time. His kids ds are adults. She's not a long term partner or wife and I think she's pushing this because she wants to be seen as that. She's rushing connections that can't be rushed without building resentment in the people that are being rushed.

But they’re his children! Would he invite other siblings his exes might have had after his marriages? There’s a time for a big get togethers, but I don’t think his son’s special birthday is one of them. I’d be a bit annoyed if my dad’s girlfriend tried to hijack my 21st by inviting their child along (whom I have no relationship with). I’d just want my dad and my siblings along. Well ideally I’d just go out with my friends, but if they want family time, just keep it to their family.

Aren't you going to check with your son if he wants them there on his 21st birthday?

This oddly reminds me of my ex's first wedding where his parents insisted they invite over 200 distant relatives because they contributed towards the cost.

You’re invited because you are in a relationship with this man and you’ve admitted yourself that you’re the one that pushed him to organise this.

To the children involved, they are adults. Just because their parent is dating someone doesn’t mean they want to be forced to create a relationship with that persons children.

Stop trying so hard.

So she shouldn't go either. Pretty simple. Stand my my post regardless of this waffle.

Stop trying to force a blended family situation on these adult men. There's no need for them to build a "brotherly bond" just because their parents are shagging.

You mention that DP sees your son more than his own DS's, in my eyes that makes it even more important that he can have some quality time with them without complicating the dynamic by trying to force a new sibling on them.

At that age I wouldn't have been overly impressed if my dad brought his partner of 18 months to my big birthday. The only thing I think your partner is doing wrong is inviting you and not his sons GF who has been on the scene for a lot longer!

You're effectively a plus one in this situation, you don't get to invite your own plus one. When you're hosting (and footing the bill) you can invite whoever you want but please don't try and take over DPs sons big birthday.

But OP you must see these bots are brothers and. Assuming your husband was a present and involved dad, they will have known each other all their lives? Your husband shouldn’t have had to ‘work hard’ to ensure they kept is touch, kids who grow up together and are sibling usually do (of course there are exceptions).

your son isn’t related to them, has met them a few times as an adult with parents present because at the moment his mum is dating their dad.

you are acting like these are small children and you can start to build a blended family. You can’t. You are in a relatively new relationship and all children involved are adults.

But surely you see that your husbands sons are BROTHERS, they have the same father and will have grown up together.

Why would your son, who isn't related to them need to be included? He doesn't have the same parents as them, no shared history etc. I'm at a loss to think why your son would be included in someone's birthday meal he's only met a few times. I would say you've been invited as you are they're fathers partner but they don't have a relationship with your adult son. It's an entirely different kettle of fish.

Why is this so hard for you to understand? You seem so hellbent on forcing this relationship on these grown up men.

Would your DS want them there? My DS gets on fine with my DP’s adult sons when he sees them, but they’re not mates and they don’t hang out. Why are you so keen to have your DS at this meal?

Yes it was my idea for my partner to arrange a meal as my partners is taking his son that is turning 21 away on a holiday for his 21st present. His son is coming over from Yorkshire this weekend and then they go away next week for a week.

I don’t think he’d be thinking of arranging a meal for all his sons had I not suggested it.

I don’t think I’m going to mention anything more to him as the last it was mentioned he had asked his son where he’d like to go and he was having a think.

I’m not ‘keen’ on him being there in that I’m forcing it. I’m just wanting to know people’s thoughts on him being invited as he’s close in age and they’ve met a few times before and they've got on

Nothing has been arranged yet. I just suggested my partner arranged a meal this weekend before takes the son who’s turning 21 away for a week for a holiday which is his birthday present from my partner

21 year old me would not have been arsed about attending this meal lol

Don't make this about you and your relationship. Let the man celebrate with his sons. 18 months!!

Sorry OP but you are coming across like you are really pushing for all these adults to act like a happy family unit.

They don’t have to be remotely interested in each other or involved in each other’s lives. They probably just won’t be.