To expect my DS to be invited too

[SoggyDunkedBiscuit]

So my partner’s youngest son is turning 21. My partner is organising a meal to celebrate for him, his other 2 son’s at a pub near our home as the son whose birthday it is lives in North Yorkshire. He is coming to stay with my partner this weekend. He isn’t one for organising things and as this is a special birthday I have suggested he does as it is not often he and all his son’s get together. One has recently returned from living abroad with his gf for 2 years. My partner has been married twice and his youngest son is from his second marriage. This isn’t important, although my DS is 20, has met all his sons and I am invited but my ds isn’t up to now. We have been in a relationship about 18 months and my partner sees more of my ds than his own sons. I think he is seeing it more of a getting all ‘his’ boys together but I’m feeling like my ds is being left out. They are half brothers and obviously my partner doesn’t see them like this (nor do I) but my ds is I guess a step-brother, well if he was included he could help to cement a ‘brotherly’ bond with them. One of his son’s has a gf of 8 years and my partner is yet to decide if she is invited. I am invited but am a bit upset it’s not been mentioned by my partner about my ds being invited too. It’s a 21st so surely he should?

AIBU to expect him to ask my ds to join the celebrations as it’s a special birthday. Also my ds will be 21 soon and I would ask / invite his son’s - TIA

She means her partner’s sons who are half brothers. Not her son being a half brother.

It was nice that you encouraged your partner to do something that frankly he should have thought to do himself - but you've been dating 18 months, its a little weird you are at a lunch which is about deep family bonds (probably only because you suggested the lunch). To bring your son would be intrusive. If you think the relationship has the potential to be a long-term one (it is not yet one) then absolutely continue to provide opportunities for the boys to meet informally and maybe the hit it off/become friends - but I'm pretty sure they will never be sibling like relationships I'm afraid.

There is something about growing up with someone that is just different (i have half and full - I absolutely don't believe it is about genetics - its the shared experience when you are a specific type of vulnerable).

If you want to encourage your son to have sibling type relationships I would suggest he focus on maintaining his closest friendships from school through the upcoming changes of work and life - I have 30 year old friendships that are very sibling like and where I absolutely consider them my family because I spent loads of time with them as a child.

Is it worth waiting before you try and encourage bonds between your son and your partners sons ? If the relationship fails they’ll probably never speak to each other and commitment doesn’t seem to be your partners strong suit

I don’t think it’s odd to not invite your ds, you’ve only been together 18 months and the ‘kids’ are all adults so probably don’t really know each other that well. What I find strange though is that he’s not sure whether to invite one sons partner of 8 years!

Thanks for everyone’s comments (and judgements). The meal was my idea. I just want the best for everyone and for everyone to get along. I suggested it as my partner is taking birthday boy away and thought this would be a nice thing to do in something being organised before they do. I do not mind not going, or my ds not being asked. I do feel my partner is careful with his money and this has more to do with things as when I suggested it, he said I’m taking him away! And then I pointed out only he and birthday boy are going. I only suggested he consider organising a meal so that the special birthday could be acknowledged and celebrated by his family here as he had a do with his Mum, half brother and step Dad in Yorkshire last weekend when it was his actual birthday.

What I didn’t ask for was to have the length of my relationship judged and to be accused of forcing things. As far as I know a meal hasn’t even been arranged as yet as it’s not been discussed since. I haven’t mentioned any plans to my ds and I haven’t mentioned my ds going if something is arranged.

OP "I am invited but am a bit upset it’s not been mentioned by my partner about my ds being invited"

Also OP: "I do not mind not going, or my ds not being asked."

Well you clearly do mind ..

Why are you even going? Sounds like a boys night out.

OP - of course people would comment on the length of your relationship!

you comments that you don’t see your boyfriends’s sons as half brothers? They are both the sons of your relatively new boyfriend. Why would it matter to you whether they have the same or different mothers? Surely it’s only relevant to them and how they see their relationship?

You also described your son as their step brother. Most people have found this odd given he has only met these men a few times and only since they all became adults.

People have commented on the lenght of your relationship because it is very very relaxant. Had you been with this man for 18 years, and had these three men grown up together then yes of course he should be included in the lunch and of course you may want to hop he was considered as a step brother.

but it is just ridiculous to start using the term step brother and to hope for a brotherly bond under these circumstances.

Just bonkers

Expecting your son to be invited to this is unreasonable, yes.

You've been with your partner for 18 months and all of your boys were adults when it started. They absolutely do not think of each other as step-brothers after meeting a few times. That may change in the future but it's not something you can just declare.

Your partner's youngest's birthday is about him and his relationships, not the relationships you want your son to have. This is especially important when he gets so little time with both his brothers and father together. Find other times to invite all the boys together.

In a more general caution, I think it's a good idea to be reserved in your expectations; developing sibling bonds as adults is usually a slow thing if it happens at all. I know plenty of people whose parents remarried later in life who get along with their parent's new partner's children but would never refer to them as siblings or step-siblings... the shared formative experiences aren't there.

So why is OP invited?

Tbh, if I was your DP, I would just take his three sons - just the four of them. Not you, his ds gf, or your ds. Keep it simple, with no drama.

Op just ask both of them if it’s something that they both want. If you lived together I would say your ds might feel excluded but it’s not that type of relationship yet. but like you say it wouldn’t even matter if you didn’t go. Just say your just sounding them out as you could be fretting over something your ds doesn’t want and your dp might not have realised your ds would like to go.

To split the bill!

I get the impression that because you suggested the meal you have some sort of ownership of it OP. But it's perfectly fine of your partner to take your idea and change it to best suit him and his son - i.e. make it just him and his boys or even revert back to just the weekend away with his son. Just because the meal was your idea doesn't mean you or your son need to attend.

Op you’re acting a bit desperate to blend families, he’s allowed to get his boys together, you’re not a blended family yet. Calm down.

Honestly if I was the birthday boy I'm not sue I'd want someone I had only met 3 times at my 21st meal( regardless of how nice they were.

I mentioned the half brother and step brother bit in my initial post as wanted to get a feel for my ds (another male from a different mother) would fair in being included. Now I know. I was a step Mum for 10 years until I split with my ex partner and I never looked at my step son differently to my ds and still don’t despite him being 10 years older. Sadly as he lives 200 miles away and has his own family now it’s difficult to meet regularly.

Update - My partner has organised bowling and therefore no meal. My partner is excited for me to see the dynamic between his 3 boys. I’ve said nothing about my ds to him potentially being asked and I’ve said nothing to my ds so he doesn’t know the plans. I just have to decide whether to bow out but based on what my partner said about being excited, I think he may be disappointed if I do.

I think I would leave him to an evening of bowling with his son's.
Doesn't sound as if he sees much of them.

If you were living together it would be possibly different but if it is a casual 18 months, perhaps leave him to it.

But op he’s not another male by a different mother! He has a different mother and father.

you have a really odd way of looking at things. You seem very focused on your boyfriend’s sons having different mothers - almost as if that dilutes their family bond and means your son is more likely to to suddenly accepted as just another son from a third mother. Really, really odd.

i also don’t really believe that your considered your step son exactly the same as your son. You aren’t trying to integrate him into your new boyfriend’s family!

They were all adults when you got together. They're never going to see each other as step siblings or develop a 'brotherly bond'. You've not even been together that long. It doesn't sound like it's even all that serious if you don't feel comfortable enough to just have a conversation about your DS coming along. In most circumstances it would be rude go ask but in a serious committed relationship people generally feel comfortable talking openly about whatever they want.

You said multiple times your DS is an only child so you clearly don't consider your step son the same as your son - (which is fair enough now that you've split up).
But in this case the other boys are all your partner's sons - the different mothers is irrelevant.

OP the last thing you should do is make this about you or your son. Your boyfriend wants to do something nice for his son on his birthday, with all of his children and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, so they should be allowed to enjoy it. It baffles me why you think your son should be included in this at all.

I think bowing out is a good idea but when you do, say it is so they can spend some time together, don’t say it’s because you’re upset your DS hasn’t been invited or go all secretive about it until it ruins it for your DH who sounds like he is looking forward to getting all his sons together.

And your point being? The sons didnt invite her