Is this just fucking rude or am I being precious?

[clothespegg]

We live in Italy. Dd4 recently turned 18 and her present was a trip to London with a friend. I paid flights and spending money (for her), one of her sisters paid for a plush hotel for both of them, another organised ice skating, another took them out for meals etc… they were away 5 days and seemed to have had a great time.

I didn’t know the other girl, so we met up with her and her mother beforehand, organised flights and chatted. I gave her all my and my older dd’s details etc. Her dd slept here the night before they left, we took them both to the airport at dawn (they don’t have a car),and picked them up and dropped other girl off at hers when they got back (the other side of town). The mother was out when my DH dropped her off.

And nada. Silence. Not a single word back. Not a thank you or an acknowledgement. Nothing. Dad says everything was great and they both loved it. I’m not expecting flowers or champagne, but even a text would have been nice. AIBU?

Then (IMO) of course she shouldn't be thanking you, she had to pay for flights so your DD could go abroad for her 18th!

@BookAndPiano of course OP had to involve the other mother in planning - it wasn't a courtesy - she was bloody paying for half the flights 😬

I thank plenty of people everyday.

I wouldn't thank someone for organising an overseas trip for their DD's 18th that I had to partially pay for so that my DD could attend.

So the mum maybe thought that she was being nice paying for her daughter's flight + spending money to celebrate your daughter's birthday. Maybe she had to save up for that and thinks that she has done something really nice for your daughter (and hers).

mumsnet is weird about thank yous. I agree with you OP. I can’t believe a mum wouldn’t message to thank you. 18 or not, it’s normal on my circle but then we like to show our appreciation. Radio silence is so weird and it’s such a shame so many don’t think it’s necessary

I don't think the girls parents needed to thank you. She's an adult. I would've expected her to thank you and thank your daughter.

I think at 18 it's nothing to do with the mum or dad, it's the kids job to thank you
I don't think my parents would have known if i had a trip away witj friends parents at 18 once I'd left to go to uni

Exactly. If OP had paid for (and organised) everything then fair enough, but she hasn't - all she did was pay for flights for her own DD.

I wouldn't expect a nearly adults mum to text me a thank you. I would have expected a 17 year old to day thank you herself, or for her to have said to DD "Tell your mum thank you from me". Bit rude of the 17 year old if she didn't say thank you or didn't ask your DD to say thank you on her behalf though.

I don't think your point is worthy of a reply.

However,I must ask you why have put a mis-spelling of courtesy in inverted commas? Are you trying to say that the correct spelling is "curtesy"?

How odd to directly pick out a correctly spelled word from my post and then place your mis-spelled version of it in inverted commas. Silly Billy.

An alternative way of looking at the arrangements is that the friend had a wonderful trip to London for a fraction of the cost it would normally have incurred. The cost of the flights is nothing compared to 5 nights hotel accommodation in London let alone everything else.

I do think it's rude, yes. If your child has significantly benefited from someone else's generosity and thought you thank them. Yes they are adults and the child should be leading etc, but it shows a lack of care and respect.

No not for an 18 year old. She can offer her own thanks. Sounds like a brilliant experience for your DD.

I thought you had paid for flights for them both. I think maybe the Mum doesn’t think she needs to be grateful. If someone wants to go on a trip (your idea for your daughter so all yours / your daughters wants rather than the friends?) then someone agreeing to come with you is actually doing you a favour. It’s cost them money for flights and spending money and whilst it was generous of you to pay for her hotel and lifts you would have needed to do that anyway. I’m not sure she has anything to be massively grateful for. It’s a bit like being invited to a wedding and then it costs you a fortune in an outfit and a gift and probably the inconvenience of a babysitter. You don’t say whether the 18 year old thanked you when you dropped her off at home or when the meals were paid for but I assume a quick thank you would have been sufficient from the 18 year old only. I don’t think the Mum owes you a massive thank you here tbh. Your daughter likely wouldn’t have been able to go if it weren’t for her daughter. I do think it was lovely if you to arrange it and I’m not meaning to come accross cold but that’s my honest opinion.

I think it’s rude but I’m old, but probably not that much older than the child’s mother.
I would have thanked you afterwards but I’m not surprised you didn’t get a thank you.
I deal with the public, although not face to face, daily and social skills are def lacking

You mean the 5 nights accommodation that OP didn't pay for? 😉

I think this babying of adult children is weird. Bet they’re also the sort that would go into university and complain to the lecturers if their kids were having a hard time with the course.

Age 8, then I would expect the mum to thank, but not once they’re well into their late teens. They are more than capable of doing that themselves.

But she hasn't benefited from OP's generosity, because she didn't pay for anything other than flights and spending money for her own daughter.

The friend's mother paid for her flights and spending money and OP's other daughter paid for accommodation and activities.

I agree. I think an 18 year old can say thank you for herself.

😂 it’s not babying. It’s a thank you from the Mum, not the kid. They did their own. No point me arguing tho because if you’re not one of those people who would do that, you wouldn’t understand

What do you think the mum should be saying thank you for, though?

OP didn't pay for anything related to the friend.

Actually @vanillalattes it was an expensive hotel and my older dd couldn’t afford it alone, so yes!

Well, you didn't say that - I'm not a mind reader 😂

At 18yo, no I wouldn’t have expected the girl (let alone the girl’s parents - not sure why you think it’s the mum in particular who should have rung you) thank you.
The way I see it the one person who should say a huge thank you is your dd. To you but also to her siblings and anyone else involved in making the trip great for both of them

Did the girl herself thank you for everything you did? If so, I think that’s all that matters. It would be nice if her parents did too, but at their age I’m sure she can say thanks herself!