Is this just fucking rude or am I being precious?

[clothespegg]

We live in Italy. Dd4 recently turned 18 and her present was a trip to London with a friend. I paid flights and spending money (for her), one of her sisters paid for a plush hotel for both of them, another organised ice skating, another took them out for meals etc… they were away 5 days and seemed to have had a great time.

I didn’t know the other girl, so we met up with her and her mother beforehand, organised flights and chatted. I gave her all my and my older dd’s details etc. Her dd slept here the night before they left, we took them both to the airport at dawn (they don’t have a car),and picked them up and dropped other girl off at hers when they got back (the other side of town). The mother was out when my DH dropped her off.

And nada. Silence. Not a single word back. Not a thank you or an acknowledgement. Nothing. Dad says everything was great and they both loved it. I’m not expecting flowers or champagne, but even a text would have been nice. AIBU?

2 years ago we took our DS’s then best mate aged 16 to Spain for a week, staying in our villa. We paid for his flights, as his mother always hinted at financial hardship as a single parent but managed lots of surprisingly costly activities for herself generally. I should have known better. From arriving at Gatwick the friend took the piss and had £50 of food for himself at the Japanese place (Itsu?) by just lifting dishes off the carousel. The friend was very familiar with this process as Japanese was his favourite food. I got an £88 bill for what was meant to be a light lunch before the flight. I honestly thought he must have a stash of spending money to have behaved like this at the outset and without discussion, but no. He just took it in his stride and didn’t even thank me. In Spain, he was instantly homesick, even though his mother had said he wouldn’t be, freaked out at the WiFi not working (very temporarily), would order €10 cocktails (non-alcoholic) instead of a glass of coke or similar, like my DS would do. He would order the most expensive main course every evening. We paid for so many treats/excursions to appease the situation. Things just went downhill as my DS noticed the behaviours and friend was becoming ruder by the day. He came away without a single euro and cost us a fortune and was hard to please. We aren’t rich but I think his mother told him to milk it and take advantage of our generosity to the max. We barely got a thank you from her afterwards apart from a disingenuous thank you note 10 days after. I viewed this family in a totally different light afterwards - the mother always had a gripe about something, inc the boys’ school, and I’d wondered why she attracted difficult situations. As her DS was ungrateful and became a bigger shit afterwards, I had a WhatsApp conversation with the mother. She was so defensive of her son and clearly operated on a different level that I could see the whole picture and severed contact. Moral of my story - if you’re doing a good turn, do negotiate the finer details and ask about how much spending money guest child is likely to have. And instil grace and good manners in your DC if you’re sending them off with nothing.

Ah I see. I read it wrong. My bad

This is why it's so helpful if people could just read all OP's posts before they comment. Someone asked her directly and she made it very clear that she did not pay for the girl's flights or spending money.

at what age did you stop thinking it was necessary to thank other parents in comparable situations?

about when kids got phones, started organising their own plans and it wasn't parents setting up the playdates or events. So when DS asked if I can take him and his friends somewhere, I would not expect that their parents would later contact me or send flowers.

Thanks 😱😂 My bad. I read the original post but unfortunately not every other post. So if that is the case I don’t think an effusive thanks or flowers are in order.

I’m also not with you op. Didn’t they share a room? Normally hotels charge the same for one person as two in a room. So what did you provide , some meals and ice skating, the other parents had to pay flights and spending money so your daughter could have her trip, did you thank them?

We are on holiday at the moment. My daughter has a friend with her. She’s flown out on her own (well, her mother’s) dime. We are covering accommodation and all dinners and breakfasts. The friend is covering some meals and drinks, when her and my daughter go out alone. The mum sent a small gift for me, along with her thanks for accommodating her daughter. Something a regular, polite person would do. I mean, the gift wasn’t necessary of course. But a thank you? Of course! And of course my daughters friend is thankful to us. It’s just basic manners.

So whats the cut off? My friend son is 28 and living at home - they live in London and he is saving for a deposit. Should see say his thank yous too 🤣

The mum.paid for the flights, its not like the girl went on a free holiday and regardless I trust my adult kids with their own thank yous. But you do you...

so did you miss the bit where you thanked the other mum for the paying when they go out alone? And did it even cost you anything extra to have her in the room?

I didn’t miss anything. No, I didn’t thank the mum for giving her spending money. (If in fact she did, I have no idea). I thanked her for the gift and said that it was a pleasure to have her daughter, and that she was having a good time. So far, so normal.

But what ages are your DD and her friend?

18 years old.

So adults

I'd have been so embarrassed if my mother sent a gift to someone I was going away with at 18

It would say she didn't trust me to properly thank them myself as an adult

Also better tell my mother she owes my friends some gifts as we've been away together recently....

Well, you do you boo.

Not sure I would've expected a gift from girl's mum, but I would've at least thought a text from her to say daughter had great time, thanks for inviting, dropping off etc. would've been nice. Nobody's expecting a grand gesture but how long does a quick text take??
To have nothing from mum is rude I think.
Especially as you met up with her mum beforehand to discuss!!

If my kid is still living with me at 28 I probably wouldn't. I don't think your friend would be orga using his travel anymore? 😳🤔 However the OP is a young girl, not a 28 year old.

But the OP doesn’t indicate that hasn’t happened. She is upset that the mother hasn’t thanked her.

She's not a young girl

She's an 18 year old young woman

She is a young ADULT, capable of managing her own thank yous imo. But you do you...we dont need to agree

Why would the mum text you to thank you? She’s 18 years old - not 7! I didn’t even live with my parents at that age.

Personally I would have dropped a message of thanks.

not the same but it starts early. I run a group and one child missed the last session. We had a Christmas card, badge and a small bag of sweets for her nothing special so I made a point of dropping them off and nothing. Mum is on the group chat so no excuse not to say anything so now we don’t give the children anything until they’ve said the magic words. Start them early with their manners

When my 18 yo son went on a paid (except spending money) trip with his GF as part of her birthday present, he/they bought flowers as a thank you to her parents. When he went on holiday with them and I picked him up, he ran back inside to say thank you to them. He is old enough to say thank you himself, it didn't occur to me to thank them and I would be surprised if they expected it. I would expect the friend to say thank you to you but not her mum. That said, having just re-read the OP, you didn't pay for anything for the friend, you just took them to the airport and let her stay at yours the night before. Others paid for the hotel and meals. The thanks should probably really go to your daughter for involving her in her treat.

I swear at least half the posts on here are from people who haven't properly read what the OP wrote.

The girl in question is 17.

OP's daughter is 18.

Tbh bigger issue seems to be that more than half missed OP and her family live abroad. And that friend paid her own tickets and OP juat helped with organisation and airport drop off.

Friend thanked when being dropped off. There is really no reason for repeated thanks and many cultures then simply don't. Like for example thanking someone for hosting when leaving and then sending follow up thanks message on top is weird to me. Or thanking someone when receiving a gift and then sending follow up. Why.
Thanks have been given. In a same way it makea me feel weird when people over thank me for something. Like having bbq and someone over does not require 3 thanks like if I solved national crisis.

I grew up in central Europe. We thanked other parents, our parents would generally not butt in with extra message, only if the bumped into the others soon after event or it was REALLY significant. No extra thanks and messages. It's not rude. Like it's not rude not saying sorry all the time. It's just different standard so it's quite probable that Italians are also not over thankers but OP may get extra thanks, on top of the one given, when they bump into each other.

I'll rephrase that. I'm adamant that it's not, and you are making a huge presumption rgds the possible response