Is this just fucking rude or am I being precious?

[clothespegg]

We live in Italy. Dd4 recently turned 18 and her present was a trip to London with a friend. I paid flights and spending money (for her), one of her sisters paid for a plush hotel for both of them, another organised ice skating, another took them out for meals etc… they were away 5 days and seemed to have had a great time.

I didn’t know the other girl, so we met up with her and her mother beforehand, organised flights and chatted. I gave her all my and my older dd’s details etc. Her dd slept here the night before they left, we took them both to the airport at dawn (they don’t have a car),and picked them up and dropped other girl off at hers when they got back (the other side of town). The mother was out when my DH dropped her off.

And nada. Silence. Not a single word back. Not a thank you or an acknowledgement. Nothing. Dad says everything was great and they both loved it. I’m not expecting flowers or champagne, but even a text would have been nice. AIBU?

Very rude. We’ve done similar for DC’s friends and always had profuse thanks from both offspring and parents as well as thank you presents.

To @vanillalattes- when the mothers are not organising it.

The gift wasn't for the mother though, it was a gift for her almost adult daughter.

But it was your choice to organise it, not the friends' mothers?

I'm intrigued you call it a 'duty'? I don't find it a chore thanking someone. I'd have wanted to for something like this, it would have been a pleasure?

Was there no financial cost to the friend's mum for this trip to London for your DD's birthday?

Did she not thank you at all?

What, and you aren't thankful for a kindness towards your offspring? You sound like you have poor manners. What does saying thankyou cost you?

Because I find it bizarre that we expect a grown woman to step in and say thank you on behalf of another grown woman.

The friend should absolutely be saying thank you, but it's not the mothers' place to step in and do it for her, just in case she forgets.

It wouldn't occur to me to thank someone who chose to do something for another adult, no.

Flights and some spending money. We paid for almost everything else.

In this particular instance, the Op met with the girl's mother and so, as she was involved in arrangements-had courtesy extended towards her-she should have thanked the OP.

It seems she accepted this courtesy and didn't rebuff the OP, saying that there was no need for her to be involved.

In general terms, 18 years on here are often cited as still being children but, to be honest, age doesn't really come into it.

For example, my friend dropped my husband at an appointment and I thanked her, as did he and, in yet another example, my mother's neighbour brought her some shopping when my mother was snow bound. I thanked her for her kindness and in yet one more recent example, I thanked a nurse for being so reassuring to my aunt.

Manners mean expressing gratitude when something nice or useful is done towards you and yours.

That is quite simple, it involves no convoluted flabby thinking and if anyone insists that it does, then they are unmannerly, charmless and rude.

They might not like that moniker and say it's not so but but that's how they will be perceived by many who are probably too polite to tell them so in real life.

How awful to be them.

My dd's best friend's Mum took them away for friend's 18th. I can't remember if I personally thanked the Mum. I expect dd thanked her.

They wanted her to go. It actually felt like she was helping them out.

I guess the circumstances are different but please don't automatically attribute rudeness where none was meant.

The friend should have said thank you, not the mother, she's nearly an adult.

Ok so the friend absolutely of course should be thanking you, but the mum paid for flights to, and spending money, in London for a trip that was organised as a gift to your DD. I think let it go and be glad that your DD had a wonderful birthday.

I can imagine there might be quite a lot of tensions in this situation. Do they appreciate your assistance here? Is he an adult? Is it their place to be thanking you if they have an estranged relationship with their son.

I wouldn't expect to be involved in the planning for an 18th. If I was then I'd thank you but I'd have expected my DD to send flowers and a thank you.

She is also part of the present though isn't she- your DD wouldn't have had half as much fun without a friend. She was paid for because she was part of the entertainment.

The way you worded the original post, it sounds like the only thing you did was drive her to and from the airport. Her mum paid her flights and spending money and your eldest dd paid for the hotel and others paid for other things. So is it the lift she's not thanked you for, or were you wanting her to say thanks to you for the things your eldest daughters paid for?

To be honest, as long as my dd enjoyed her 18th, that's all that would matter to me. Would be different if you'd paid the friends flights, spending money or hotel etc.

It costs absolutely nothing to send a nice text to op, thanking them and saying what a great time the daughter had.

All those who say it’s entirely unnecessary should perhaps start thanking people properly when they entertain you or do a kind thing. You might be surprised how much nicer life is when you go out of your way to show appreciation.

I wouldn't expect the mother of an 18 year old to thank me, unless perhaps I knew her and saw her regularly (and even then I wouldn't "expect" it). The daughter is an adult, it's up to her to thank either your DD or you.

I didn't realise the other family paid for their daughter's flights - what is it you wanted to be thanked for? Picking them up?

At this age I’d expect the DD to say thanks. To you (obviously) but also to her own mother for paying towards the holiday. Does the girl not have a father on the scene? Cos I think there’s something quite sexist about infantilising the 17yo by assuming she wouldn’t say thanks herself (and thinking that’s okay if she doesn’t). And more sexism in expecting mothers (but not fathers) to continue to step in with social niceties forever.

Unless I’m reading it wrong, the friend/her family paid for flights and spending money, your other DDs paid for hotel, activity and meals.

You did the airport run which I would expect for your DD’s trip and I would hope the friend thanked you at the time.

I’m not clear what you are personally expecting thank yous for.

No, it wasn’t either of their birthdays. We bought a ticket for DD and one for her friend.

My point was, that even though they were adults, the Mum still got in touch to thank me (even though her daughter had already thanked me many times!).

Lols, it’s not “curtesy” to involve someone in planning flights they’re bloody paying for. It’s the bare minimum!