Is this just fucking rude or am I being precious?

[clothespegg]

We live in Italy. Dd4 recently turned 18 and her present was a trip to London with a friend. I paid flights and spending money (for her), one of her sisters paid for a plush hotel for both of them, another organised ice skating, another took them out for meals etc… they were away 5 days and seemed to have had a great time.

I didn’t know the other girl, so we met up with her and her mother beforehand, organised flights and chatted. I gave her all my and my older dd’s details etc. Her dd slept here the night before they left, we took them both to the airport at dawn (they don’t have a car),and picked them up and dropped other girl off at hers when they got back (the other side of town). The mother was out when my DH dropped her off.

And nada. Silence. Not a single word back. Not a thank you or an acknowledgement. Nothing. Dad says everything was great and they both loved it. I’m not expecting flowers or champagne, but even a text would have been nice. AIBU?

No, because these are 18yo adults.

Wow!
And what a really great thing you are doing for him….. and I’m sure he must appreciate it with a set of parents who obviously don’t give a monkeys about him. I’d like to hope I’d do the same if this ever happened to a friend of my DC.

Dad says everything was great and they both loved it.

Does this mean the girl's dad has been in contact?

But was the Harry Styles concert for your DD’s birthday?

Why would the mother thank you? They’re adults, not children

They should both have thanked you. There is no excuse and no-one should be making one for them.

We are becoming an unmannerly and ignorant society.

This is caused by both unmannerly ignorant people and those who make excuses for them-two cheeks of the same arse I'm afraid.

I think it’s sort of teetering on adulthood and I would have expected my child to say thank you and wouldn’t have felt the need to do it myself I don’t think. I would likely have texted my daughter while she was away and suggested she get a present for you to say thanks.

The mum? The girl is 18. Did She thank you?

I don't expect my 18 year old DSs friend parents to say thank you. I expect the friends to say thank you which they always do. They are adults now.

At 18 I would have expected the friend to say thank you and not the parents.

I'm with you OP as a parent I'd have texted to say thankyou as I wouldn't trust an 18yr old to do it they aren't known for their careful manners and observation of etiquette are they.
I'd have texted just to make sure it was definitely said as that's an amazing treat for an 18 year old, no harm if thankyou ended up being said twice is there, whereas if it's overlooked offence is easily caused.
People assume 18 year olds are adults but it's well known they don't fully mature til 25ish.

Out of curiosity, at what age are mothers no longer expected to say thank you for things their adult children are invited to?

Could both have not said thankyou? It's a very generous thing to share with an 18yr old friend I'd have expected both the child and parents to thank the hosts profusely tbh.

The other girl is 17. Dad was a typos Should have been did.

At what age would you say it was okay for the mother to NOT say thank you?

It's not that you are doing it FOR them at 18...you are doing it in case they don't

Which would be pretty common in 18 year olds, they regularly forget/don't think

Did the girl thankyou? Did she thank your DH in the car? It sounds like there was lots of chatter in the car?

At 18 no I wouldn't text my daughters friends parents to say thankyou.

Whilst it was a lovely thing to do, it was also your DDs present not the girls. The girl took time out and presumably cost her money in terms of spending money etc.? She probably thanked youe Dd for chosing her to come, and I assume your Dd thanked her for coming as well

Given that the mother was as involved as she was, she should have thanked the OP. I think the whole family are incredibly rude. I would have sent a thank you letter and a small gift when I was a lot younger than 18! I regularly went to stay with friends during half term and in the holidays, and I always sent a thank you of some kind. Perhaps that explains why my friends' families were always happy to have me back!

Your daughter’s friend should be thanking you, not the parents. Did she?

So again, at what age can the mother be relieved of that duty? When their kids are 19? 20? 25?

Probably once they aren't living under their parents roof or certainly once they are fully independent of parents. But most 18 year olds are still quite dependent upon parents.
The thing is you aren't ever going to do harm by saying thankyou? So why not? I'd still expect the 18 year old to say thankyou as well quite frankly

Sometimes I despair. Of course the mother should have sent a text to say thank you. Given you’d sat down with the girl and her mother to plan - she was involved, regardless of how old her child is. And yes, the kid should have thanked you too (and I think even brought your family a small box of chocolates or flowers).

if someone had done something like this for my mum - I’d say thank you and she’s much older than 18!

Absolutely. Ok, maybe 'technically' the mother is in the clear, but actually she is very rude and given that the daughter didn't thank the OP either, I'm guessing that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I wouldn't be treating these freeloaders to anything again.

And quite obviously this isn't just a small favour like giving someone a quick lift home - this is a massively generous 5 day trip to another country?!

For me, it's not about whether something causes harm or not, it's about why we expect women to step in for their grown up children and say thank you on their behalf.