Is this just fucking rude or am I being precious?

[clothespegg]

We live in Italy. Dd4 recently turned 18 and her present was a trip to London with a friend. I paid flights and spending money (for her), one of her sisters paid for a plush hotel for both of them, another organised ice skating, another took them out for meals etc… they were away 5 days and seemed to have had a great time.

I didn’t know the other girl, so we met up with her and her mother beforehand, organised flights and chatted. I gave her all my and my older dd’s details etc. Her dd slept here the night before they left, we took them both to the airport at dawn (they don’t have a car),and picked them up and dropped other girl off at hers when they got back (the other side of town). The mother was out when my DH dropped her off.

And nada. Silence. Not a single word back. Not a thank you or an acknowledgement. Nothing. Dad says everything was great and they both loved it. I’m not expecting flowers or champagne, but even a text would have been nice. AIBU?

It was a mutual ‘nice’ though. Favours were done on both sides. By 18 parents tend to break away from contacting parents of their late teen kids’ friends. They’re at the age they should be navigating their social life (and social manners) themselves.

Oh dear, how embarrassing for your DD 😂

Shouldn't then the OP be contacting and thanking the friend's mum for paying for the flights that enabled the friend to accompany the OP's daughter on her birthday trip?

Definitely rude. The daughter should text to thank all of you, not her mother.

I’m learning not to expect what I feel are good manners. People view the world through a different lens and you just need to roll with it so you won’t get depressed.

If one of my DDs was the friend, I would have prompted her to buy you a little present in London and write a thank you card to you and your family and give it to you when you dropped her off. And say a big verbal thank you too of course and say how much she had enjoyed it.

However, she was accompanying your dd to help her celebrate her 18th and that was a nice thing for her to do, to give up her own activities to go on the trip, even though it was fun, so I would have said thanks to her too,

Edited to say: if I was the mum I think I would have rung you to say thanks as well.

Am I old fashioned to think that something of that value is deserving of a handwritten note at the least?

You would write a thank you note to someone who gave your daughter a lift to and from the airport when they were going anyway?

Because from the girl and her family's POV, that's all OP has done.
They paid for their own flights and spending money.
Some activities were birthday gifts to OP's daughter from an older sibling who has moved out, not OP (who may have slung them some money to help, but the girl and her family wouldn't know that).

That's it, two lifts. Definitely worthy of a thank you, at the time, from the girl in question. Not cards from one parent to another, surely? God, if I got a card every time I gave my teenagers' friends a lift my recycling bin would have been full every week.

(And why is this all on the mum anyway?!)

I've reread OP again and, yes, what exactly is OP wanting gushing thanks for?
She initially only said she paid for her own daughter's flights, all the activities and hotel were paid for by the sisters
Then she came back and said "well actually I paid for the things the sisters gave her" but we don't know if DD and friend even knew this
The most she did was host friend over night and drive her around a bit, which doesn't need more than a standard thank you from friend

Or does OP genuinely think, as do so many others here, that parents need to meddle and be thanked and thank each other for their adult children?

What do you think the friend's mum should he thanking the OP for?

I don't think it's about manners and expectations. I think some people have misunderstood what actually happened here.

lift to airport would require a handwritten note from adult lift receiver's parents? Pretty sure that has never been in fashion.

YANBU - its basic courtesy imo. My DS (19) and his GF went away with her parents and they paid for the holiday abroad. I sent a thank you text and flowers and champagne to them when they returned. I could not reciprocate taking them on holiday and that felt inadequate but wouldn't dream of not sending appreciation.

I think a card and flowers initiated by the friend's mum if you paid flights and hotel would have been appropriate.

Yes, you are old fashioned to think this, plus it's over the top when I find it very hard to believe thd girl involved didn't thank anyone at the time

All this was planned for your DDs Birthday so it should be your DD thanking you. Her friend should thank your DD for inviting her along. Did you thank the friend for accompanying your DD or her Mum for allowing her to travel to London & stayover? Yes it would've nice for her acknowledge that you'd paid a lot towards the trip but she has paid her way & only went because it was your DD Birthday & was invited to stay in the hotel booked for your DD.

Friend's "thank-yous" are sufficient unless, as you live in Italy, local mores dictate more.

OP didn’t pay for anything for the friend: although she did allow her to stay over the night before (presumably to help catch an early flight), and give a lift to the airport.

The friend paid her own flight. OP’s family gave OP’s DD a hotel stay, which DD shared with the friend.

Both friends/families did a nice thing: OP’s family shared birthday treats; the friend’s family stumped up a lot of cash (eg flights) to help OP’s DD celebrate.

I think I would be a bit surprised by no indication of appreciation from the parents, particularly if we had each others contact details/had made contact previously.

17 nearly 18 is however an age when lots of parents think their kids should be speaking for themselves in social situations. My son is a bit older (20) and his GF 19 and lives abroad so they go and stay with each other for extended periods, effectively hosted by parents. Parents barely know each other, we have met once for a meal which was nice but dont contact each other directly. When GF stays here she says thank you to us and when son stays there he says thank you to her parents. The parents don't thank each other (maybe we should but I think my son would be annoyed if I muscled in like that!)

It may also be a factor that it wasn't an all expenses paid holiday. The parents had to cover flights and some other spends (and of the parts you funded, some was also funded/hosted by others). I wonder if it was a bit of an effort for the parents to cover those costs - you mention they don't have a car - and they see it as costing them to add to your daughter's birthday experience?

If you know the mum it certainly wouldn't have hurt for her to say "X really loved the trip, it was an amazing experience for her" and she should have said a passing thank you for the airport lifts. Unfortunately a lot of non drivers (not all of course) seem to have the attitude of oh well you were going anyway.

Except she didn't pay flights and seemingly the girls only know the sister paid for the hotel room

Not clear to be honest - I understood OP paid flights for both girls and only pocket money for her daughter but I can see why you thought she didn't pay for anything in which case it would be odd to expect a thank you to her. Thanks for the hotel room would be good though.

If you have taken him in, then surely HE would be the one to thank you?!?

OP clearly says the friend had to pay for her own flights
And the hotel room was a gift from the older sister which OP later said she helped fund but it's unclear if DD is aware of that

Huh? I appreciate it must be cultural (not British). I don't see anything that the mother should be thankful for. If not for her DD, your DD would be alone on her birthday.

I'd be pissed off were I her, tbh. Some Missy couldn't celebrate her birthday where she lives, therefore needed to go abroad for such a 'super special occasion'. I, as a mother, had to stump up cash for the flights and spending money for my DD, so her friend had someone to celebrate her birthday with. So I'm out of pocket. The least she could do is pay for the hotel.

If you're celebrating your birthday in the restaurant and invite people, you're expected to cover their dinner and drinks, not for them to pay for themselves. I don't see how this is any different. It's your choice to celebrate somewhere other than where you live, which involves flights, hotels, and spending money. Why should other people be out of pocket to attend? Go alone then.

And it's not like London is some sort of amazing place. I'd much rather stay in Italy.

I wouldn't expect someone to pay for my meal if they invited me to join them at a restaurant for a meal for their birthday...

As the mother of a 16 going on 17 year old, I can’t imagine in a year’s time not saying thank you to the other parents in a similar situation. It’s manners. And of course my DS would be expected to as well.

Queston to all those saying it’s not necessary because the friend is an adult (although as I suspected she’s only 17), at what age did you stop thinking it was necessary to thank other parents in comparable situations? You speak with such authority that I’m guessing you all have grown up children. I’d quote you all if I could but there’s so many of you, so I’m expecting lots of replies from all these seasoned parents!