Is this just fucking rude or am I being precious?

[clothespegg]

We live in Italy. Dd4 recently turned 18 and her present was a trip to London with a friend. I paid flights and spending money (for her), one of her sisters paid for a plush hotel for both of them, another organised ice skating, another took them out for meals etc… they were away 5 days and seemed to have had a great time.

I didn’t know the other girl, so we met up with her and her mother beforehand, organised flights and chatted. I gave her all my and my older dd’s details etc. Her dd slept here the night before they left, we took them both to the airport at dawn (they don’t have a car),and picked them up and dropped other girl off at hers when they got back (the other side of town). The mother was out when my DH dropped her off.

And nada. Silence. Not a single word back. Not a thank you or an acknowledgement. Nothing. Dad says everything was great and they both loved it. I’m not expecting flowers or champagne, but even a text would have been nice. AIBU?

This is a conversation I have with my DD and 14
year old DGD.

When I was growing up, we were taught that we had to say “hello”, “good evening” “thank you” and “goodbye” when we were visiting or had days out with friends and family.

My DGD has sleep overs at my house. They are quite an exciting event and lots is put on for them. A few have manners and do say “thank you” etc but some come and go as if we the adults don’t exist. My DGD says it because they are shy. Shy my back foot, they just haven’t been taught manners by their parents.

Oh I know

That's why I'm baffled as to why she wants thanks for something that was apparently secret

No because an adult doesn't need their parents to thank people on their behalf...

I'm not sure as to your point. Are you saying it's only necessary to thank people if they are spending a lot of money on you (well, your DC)?

I went out with some friends and one of them insisted on paying. Better let my mum know so she can thank my friend's mum..

@redskydelight no, but I’m saying if someone does something exceptionally kind and or generous for one of your children it’s nice to show your appreciation. A friendly text costs nothing and makes two people feel good - what’s the problem?

If a friendly text costs nothing (not true if you have a PAYG phone) and makes two people feel good (also potentially not true, lots of people get very anxious around these sorts of social messages) then why link it to the amount of money they've spent? Especially as what is an "exceptionally kind and generous" amount of money varies from person to person anyway.

Not sure I'd see is as exceptionally kind and generous when she had to pay flights and take spending money (which she might have used to then buy drinks/food/pay for something for the group whilst there anyway)

I think with them both now being young adults, the DD should be thanking you rather than her mother. I suspect she thanked your DD though and didn’t think to thank you too, ask DD if that was the case. I wouldn’t really expect anything from the parents though.

@redskydelight well WhatsApp then or any other way that is free! I’m rather thankful that a friendly message wouldn’t incite extreme anxiety in any of my friends. That must make friendships somewhat difficult.

To me it is exceptional because of course I have hosted all of my children’s friends to endless birthday meals, sleepovers and outings over the years as have most people. This is just standard and I would hope I have always reciprocated.

I’ve only treated a handful of their friends to holidays and international trips though and I’m glad to say I’ve always been formally thanked by the recipient and messaged by their parents. If you compare the cost of 5 nights in a luxury London hotel, airport transfers, meals and outings with the cost of just a return flight, then I do think this counts as a pretty exceptional treat.

Two of my children got through to the next round of job interviews explicitly because they wrote polite emails thanking the interviewers for their time. They did this because they’ve been brought up to always thank people, no matter how big or small the kindness.

I’d be horrified if I thought they hadn’t thanked their host properly and directly.

I'm surprised anyone got a job after sending a polite thank you email when most places explicitly tell you not to contact them, they'll be in touch...

And getting a job interview isn't a "kindness"....

@MoreThanksNeeded well what can I say? In both cases (4 years apart) the recruiters said their politeness helped them stand out in the first round.

Quite obviously people are free to thank or not thank. As a serial thanker and polite person all I can say is that it works for me in making connections with other people and life more enjoyable. And of course it costs nothing.

@Teddleshon1

I’d be horrified if I thought they hadn’t thanked their host properly and directly.

Well yes, and this is the point. They should thank their host properly. Not the parent of an adult.

I have to admit to still being confused by your stance. If you want to thank people, then you surely thank them for everything. My DS went to a super lavish 18th birthday party which was an all day affair with lots of activities and where no expense was spared - but the family was extremely wealthy and it was no big deal for them.

He equally went to an 18th party where he took his own drinks and the family had scraped together the money for takeaway pizza for 6 of them. By your logic, I should be thanking the first parent but not bothering for the second. I don't believe I need to be thanking either when my child is 18, but at least I understand the view that you should thank parents who spend money on your children, but then you should be consistent and it shouldn't be related to the amount of money spent.

exactly!

op you are sounding spoiled not the other way round!!

Two of my children got through to the next round of job interviews explicitly because they wrote polite emails thanking the interviewers for their time.

But how do you think the interviewers would have reacted it you, the mother would have emailed and thanked the interviewers for interviewing your child?

I would believe that “thank you” was said somewhere down the line. Obviously not to you OP, but I am sure to your DD.

How does your DD feel? Does she feel her friend and her family were rude to not reach out to thank you?

If her friend did not thank her, then that would be rude. But hopefully she did.

The event was clearly high end, and there is a possibility that DDs friend is entitled and may not have considered the time, effort and financial costs put into arranging it and focused solely on celebrating her friends 18th Birthday.

Anyway it sounds as if it was a great event, and
I trust they had a good to time.

It is what it is! As long as your DD is appreciative and respectful, as long as you act similarly, that's all you can manage. Writing this message, whilst I understand it grates, is literally only wasting your life and time. You did a wonderful thing for your daughter and her friend, keep that joyful memory a happy one and ignore the negatives. You deserve to enjoy the knowledge of what you did for them, with or without the other parents acknowledgement.

Manners are cultural. People differ on what they think is terribly rude. I've always struggled to understand what is expected of me when showing gratitude, how much is too much? How much in not enough? As the parent i don't think I would have thought to text thank you, but I would have expected my daughter to say thank you and seem grateful. It's likely in person I would have said some words of gratitude.

Could be wrong here but it sounds like all you did was pay for a flight and spending money for your daughter, not the other girl, if this is the case then she should say thankyou to the siblings for the hotel and meals, and thankyou to you for picking them up, but other than that why does she even need to thank you?

Thank God your sons didn´t come across an ex boss of mine. This poor girl phoned a week later to show interest in the process and be polite (as we were all taught to do) and my boss immediately said, "cross her off the list, a pain in the butt before she´s even started".

Are you maybe putting british thanks "obsession" (I don't mean it badly but you have Thank you cards... ) on different attitude? DD thanked, I am assuming mother said thanks when leaving the planning meeting and that could have been enough thanks. I am non british and I just thank people at the time and not later. Only on MN I learned there is double or triple thanks later!

YABU and expecting too much. She's a young adult and presumably she thanked your husband when she was dropped home. Why you want her parents to thank you is beyond me. We've taken my daughter's friends on family holidays twice now and each time they thanked us (youngest was aged 19/20). It never once crossed my mind that their parents should also thank us. Very strange.

Likewise I'd be horrified if I was this girls mother and she hadn't thanked op and op's daughter. But at 18 the daughter is an adult and I'd expect her to be doing her own thanking. You didn't send a thank you for the job interviews, your (presumably adult) children did. To me this is no different.

But you wouldn't expect a parent to email to say thank you as well would you. I'd be very surprised if the girl hadn't at least said thank you to the dd or to dd's dad or both. But as the OP hasn't replied to anyone asking that question, we may never know

Parents don’t need to be involving themselves with other parents once the kids are hitting adulthood. My sons would think I’ve gone potty if I complained their friend’s mum hadn't thanked me.