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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this just fucking rude or am I being precious?

377 replies

clothespegg · 12/01/2026 18:59

We live in Italy. Dd4 recently turned 18 and her present was a trip to London with a friend. I paid flights and spending money (for her), one of her sisters paid for a plush hotel for both of them, another organised ice skating, another took them out for meals etc… they were away 5 days and seemed to have had a great time.

I didn’t know the other girl, so we met up with her and her mother beforehand, organised flights and chatted. I gave her all my and my older dd’s details etc. Her dd slept here the night before they left, we took them both to the airport at dawn (they don’t have a car),and picked them up and dropped other girl off at hers when they got back (the other side of town). The mother was out when my DH dropped her off.

And nada. Silence. Not a single word back. Not a thank you or an acknowledgement. Nothing. Dad says everything was great and they both loved it. I’m not expecting flowers or champagne, but even a text would have been nice. AIBU?

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 13/01/2026 12:45

Glitchesandswitches · 13/01/2026 11:51

Are you maybe putting british thanks "obsession" (I don't mean it badly but you have Thank you cards... ) on different attitude? DD thanked, I am assuming mother said thanks when leaving the planning meeting and that could have been enough thanks. I am non british and I just thank people at the time and not later. Only on MN I learned there is double or triple thanks later!

That’s why it’s so handy to have thumbs up emoji’s on text 😁 otherwise we’d be Thank you, no thank you, no really thank yoooo for bloody infinity.

Alliod40 · 13/01/2026 14:56

Again the mumsnetters mums making it out it wouldn't bother them when really they'd be fuming..this site makes me laugh so much..I'd be livid and yes would be expecting a phone call and thank you from this girls mother,Personally I'd have got flowers and a voucher to your favourite lunch place as a thank you in all honesty but that's me.. but of course not all of us have kind hearts xx

G5000 · 13/01/2026 15:00

I’m quite amazed by how little self-awareness some people have. They’ll proudly describe themselves as kind, polite, and well-mannered—then, in the very next breath, talk about how they are entitled to gratitude not just from one person, but from their entire family. Kindness doesn’t seethe when it goes unacknowledged, and it certainly doesn’t come with expectations of thanks, gifts, flowers, or public recognition.

Rumors1 · 13/01/2026 15:05

OP I was all ready to say the friend was rude as I understood you had paid for her flights and for activities but then I see that actually her own mother did and your other daughters paid for the meals and activities.

I would expect a thanks for the overnight stay and lifts. If you chipped in for some meals maybe the friend didnt know. Its hard to know as it isnt clear what you actually paid for and what the friend understood you paid for and if you were thanked at the time ie sleepover and lifts.

G5000 · 13/01/2026 15:08

I would expect a thanks for the overnight stay and lifts

From the 18-yo, absolutely. Which OP probably got, because she has not responded to any of the posts asking if the friend said thanks. But from the friend's parents?

MoreThanksNeeded · 13/01/2026 16:16

Alliod40 · 13/01/2026 14:56

Again the mumsnetters mums making it out it wouldn't bother them when really they'd be fuming..this site makes me laugh so much..I'd be livid and yes would be expecting a phone call and thank you from this girls mother,Personally I'd have got flowers and a voucher to your favourite lunch place as a thank you in all honesty but that's me.. but of course not all of us have kind hearts xx

We wouldn't not be fuming that a young adult's mother didn't send thanks when her young adult daughter herself had already done it

MoreThanksNeeded · 13/01/2026 16:23

G5000 · 13/01/2026 15:00

I’m quite amazed by how little self-awareness some people have. They’ll proudly describe themselves as kind, polite, and well-mannered—then, in the very next breath, talk about how they are entitled to gratitude not just from one person, but from their entire family. Kindness doesn’t seethe when it goes unacknowledged, and it certainly doesn’t come with expectations of thanks, gifts, flowers, or public recognition.

Exactly

There's a feeling here of "I've been so amazingly generous that everyone should be falling at my feet and thanking me and showering me with gifts"

DoubleHardBastard · 13/01/2026 18:46

Christ. I'm not sure why everyone on MN wants a fucking party thrown for them for doing something nice.

Newname71 · 13/01/2026 19:08

F1rstDoNoHarm · 13/01/2026 02:21

What was the reason he was kicked out?

Show quote history

His dads not a very nice bloke and was pretty vile to him. One day the lad snapped and stood toe to toe with him. Tbh it wasn’t a good situation for an 18 year old to be in anyway.
He’s a really lovely lad, we’ve known him since he was about 5

ruethewhirl · 13/01/2026 19:10

clothespegg · 12/01/2026 19:04

Wouldn’t you have texted the mother though? Just to say thank you or something? It feels off to me

I think at 18 I'd be more upset if the friend hadn't thanked you and your family (which I hope she did, sounds like an amazing trip for them!) I think by that age parents thanking parents starts to become less of a thing. (Not that my dad ever got the memo - when he was picking me up from friends' houses at that age he was still thanking friends' parents for 'having' me regardless that I had, of course, already done so. rolls eyes)

Having said that, if I was the other mum I'd have thanked you for your generosity anyway, so I do get where you're coming from.

BoudiccaRuled · 13/01/2026 19:25

newornotnew · 12/01/2026 19:07

If the friend is 18, she's an adult so it's not really between you and the mother.

Whereas in the normal world, most 18 year olds are still at school, still under the full time care of their parents and their parents still make an attempt to guide them in the way of what is good and proper.
It's damned rude, is what it is. I'm in contact regularly organising the financial side of trips and driving "adults" around. I expect them to thank me and always receive a thank you from the parents too.

claremmm · 13/01/2026 19:26

My 18yo’s friend’s family took my DD on holiday. I gave DD money for a treat dinner for everyone and absolutely thanked the mum for taking her. Sorry they haven’t acknowledged the way they should have - it was a lovely thing you did x

LBFseBrom · 13/01/2026 19:40

The dad saying it was great and they all had a good time is a way of saying, "Thank you", isn't it?

You may hear more, I presume it's early days.

Just be glad they enjoyed themselves and forget it!

ScreentimeInTheMeantime · 13/01/2026 19:46

Rumors1 · 13/01/2026 15:05

OP I was all ready to say the friend was rude as I understood you had paid for her flights and for activities but then I see that actually her own mother did and your other daughters paid for the meals and activities.

I would expect a thanks for the overnight stay and lifts. If you chipped in for some meals maybe the friend didnt know. Its hard to know as it isnt clear what you actually paid for and what the friend understood you paid for and if you were thanked at the time ie sleepover and lifts.

Yes, I think the fact the friend or her family paid for flights etc puts a bit of a different complexion on things. It seems like the friend or her parents contributed nearly as much financially to the trip as OP.

I don’t think the lifts to the airport require thanks from the parents, as really OP was taking DD, and the friend was along for the ride. But I would expect fairly profuse oral thanks from the friend herself to OP.

Ideally the friend would also chip in for a round of drinks or whatever on the trip when out with the other family members who were paying for meals, activities and suchlike.

Also, as an aside, it can put a lot of financial pressure on people when people want to go abroad for birthdays, hen dos etc. Might not be the case here at all, but I know this can be stressful if there is pressure to participate in lavish celebrations - no doubt the friend or her family spent a few hundred on the trip when it was all added up.

BillieWiper · 13/01/2026 19:49

I think maybe in Italian and some other cultures parents are a lot more involved in their (young-ish) adult children's lives? My Italian friends have said this.

Like at 18 plus in the UK the person would be expected to say thank you and whatever off their own bat. Their parents wouldn't necessarily be involved. If anything your child's friend should've thanked you directly.

I had an Italian psychiatrist who told me it was 'illegal' that I moved to a student flat with my boyfriend to go to college outside my city at 16. Obviously with my mum's full backing and consent.

Sorry if this isn't the case and I made a generalisation.

Spirallingdownwards · 13/01/2026 20:02

How do you not know your daughter's friend who is so close to her that she chose her to go on the trip out of interest?

I am with the others that if anyone should be saying thank you it is the friend herself not her mother. Have you asked DD whether she thanked her? Perhaps she paid for a meal or other things on the trip by way of a thank you.

Dewberrywotsit · 13/01/2026 20:03

clothespegg · 12/01/2026 18:59

We live in Italy. Dd4 recently turned 18 and her present was a trip to London with a friend. I paid flights and spending money (for her), one of her sisters paid for a plush hotel for both of them, another organised ice skating, another took them out for meals etc… they were away 5 days and seemed to have had a great time.

I didn’t know the other girl, so we met up with her and her mother beforehand, organised flights and chatted. I gave her all my and my older dd’s details etc. Her dd slept here the night before they left, we took them both to the airport at dawn (they don’t have a car),and picked them up and dropped other girl off at hers when they got back (the other side of town). The mother was out when my DH dropped her off.

And nada. Silence. Not a single word back. Not a thank you or an acknowledgement. Nothing. Dad says everything was great and they both loved it. I’m not expecting flowers or champagne, but even a text would have been nice. AIBU?

My philosophy is not to give anything you are not giving freely. You wanted company for your daughter - she got it. There could be other issues atplay in the friends home. I am sure she will look back on the experience and appreciate it. It was a huge gift for your daughter...that's who it was about.

Granddama · 13/01/2026 20:19

No , but it seems the way these days.

ConnieHeart · 13/01/2026 20:58

LBFseBrom · 13/01/2026 19:40

The dad saying it was great and they all had a good time is a way of saying, "Thank you", isn't it?

You may hear more, I presume it's early days.

Just be glad they enjoyed themselves and forget it!

It was wasn't the dad. OP corrected herself . It was supposed to say did. Which doesn't make sense

idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 13/01/2026 21:03

I would expect the daughter to say thank you. In person. And possibly send a card and some chocs or something. But a personal thank you from the adult daughter is what I would anticipate, not from her mum.

CatherinedeBourgh · 13/01/2026 21:07

I would expect the friend to thank your daughter, who invited her, and your daughter to thank you and her siblings who gave her the gift.

The friend might also thank her parents for paying for the flight, and you for the drive to the airport (at the time it happened).

Anything else would seem odd and OTT to me.

Almondflour · 13/01/2026 21:12

I haven’t read the replies OP but I wouldn’t have texted you to say thank you, sorry. It’s something I’d do for a 12 year old, but at 18 we are talking about grown ups. I wouldn’t expect parents to be communicating on their behalf unless in emergency etc.

MrsPositivity1 · 13/01/2026 21:14

I’m with you OP. I’d definitely have been thanking them no matter what age my DD was.

Clause1980 · 13/01/2026 21:15

Allthecoloursoftherainbow4 · 12/01/2026 19:22

I'm with you OP as a parent I'd have texted to say thankyou as I wouldn't trust an 18yr old to do it they aren't known for their careful manners and observation of etiquette are they.
I'd have texted just to make sure it was definitely said as that's an amazing treat for an 18 year old, no harm if thankyou ended up being said twice is there, whereas if it's overlooked offence is easily caused.
People assume 18 year olds are adults but it's well known they don't fully mature til 25ish.

If it doesn't occur to your offspring to say thank you without being prompted at 18, they've not been taught any manners!

GreyCarpet · 13/01/2026 21:22

A bit precious I think.

My daughter (19) spent Christmas and New Year at her boyfriend's house.

I've never met his parents and it didn't occur to me to thank them for hosting her. She's an adult so I just assumed she will have done that herself just as her boyfriend always thanks me when he stays here.

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