To be shocked at DS's reaction to my suggestion he brings new GF to family party

[HellyTheEllyphant]

My DS is 28, he is a lovely man, very proud of him. He told us over the weekend that he has a new girlfriend, their first date was the start of October but they have only just labelled it. At the start of February we are hosting a party for DHs 60th, it will be a rare event where most of the family and extended family will be around. I suggested to DS he brings his new GF, she could meet his brother and all the wider family in a very casual environment where there would be very little attention on her, I thought this would be ideal, it is also close enough to home for DS and her that if they felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed it would be easy to leave early with no fuss. DS has had 2 long term relationships before this one and in both cases we met the girl within about 2-3 months of their first date, so I didn't anticipate him viewing it as too soon.
However DS got quite short with me saying no its far too soon and a weird environment to introduce her to, I apologised but he kept going saying its not up to me when we meet her, but I don't feel I suggested it was. He then said we can all go out for dinner and we can meet her then, maybe the next time his brother is down (so likely March/April). I said that would be lovely and I look forward to meeting her whenever he is ready.
Figured that would be the end of the conversation, but no he has messaged again saying he is annoyed I even suggested the family party. I can't help but feel he is over reacting, I know I wasn't pushy, all I said was "your dads party is on x date, the whole family is coming, feel free to bring your girlfriend if you like, just let me know for numbers".
He was also annoyed that his dad asked to see a picture of her before asking what she does etc. which while I appreciate was a shallow response from DH, I don't think it is that bad! And she is absolutely stunning so no reason DS wouldn't want to share (not that it would matter if she wasn't as long as he is happy).

AIBU to be shocked by the reaction and to wonder if there is something else going on?

No you're not - anyone saying they had a new partner/ car/ dog would be asked to send a pic for me.
Nothing gross about it, just a way of visualising what/who they're talking about.

I'd be raging if I didn't get a puppy/kitten picture.

I was still living at home when I first met DH and my mum gave him his own key without asking me 😂 so I think this is fine.

Seriously though, I wouldn’t worry OP, sometimes people just get touchy unexpectedly. Don’t think about it anymore.

Well, if I was the young woman in question, I definitely wouldn't want to meet my partner's entire family at a big birthday party - talk about pressure! Especially after such a short period of time.
Why can't they just pop in for a coffee sometime? And only if they wish, of course.
Also, OP, bear in mind that lots of people don't "meet the family" until the wedding stage, several years in.
Just back off and let this couple get on with their lives without interference.

Again, OP didn't say that it was the first thing he asked. Just that it preceded 'what does she do?'

I would assume your DH's inappropriate interest in her looks could very well have something to do with your DS being upset about his new g/f being invited to his father's birthday party. Perhaps he wonders if she wasn't
absolutely stunning
whether she would have been asked .

It was OP who said she was stunning. Was she judging her on her looks?

We don't know what dh said or whether it was inappropriate.

It's not that great to be mainly bothered about someone's job either.

I'm fascinated by this "ask to see a picture" thing, because it would never occur to me to ask. I think I'm one of the few people left on the planet who thinks photos are very personal and private. (Also, I have never taken a selfie, and would never put my face on social media).
A friend recently had a new partner and, whilst I listened to a lot of talk about him, and asked a few discreet questions, I've no idea what he looked like. My view is that if she'd wanted me to see, she would have shown me.
Also, it smacks a bit of judging someone on their appearance - I think "what's their job?" is always going to be a better question than "what do they look like?".

He’s within his rights to say no to bringing her to the party. He can tell his dad it’s weird for asking to see a photo of his girlfriend. He’s unreasonable to go on about it. I’d tell him to shut up.

Sorry but I think a dad asking to see a picture of his son's new girlfriend definitely gives strange vibes. He hadn't met her and knew nothing about her, so to ask to see a photo in that context is weird and creepy.

"Also, it smacks a bit of judging someone on their appearance - I think "what's their job?" is always going to be a better question than "what do they look like?"."

Cost it's fine to judge someone on their social standing...

A photo isn't necessarily to judge someone on their looks, it's so you can picture them in your head.

Whilst those might easily be one's first thoughts, surely you don't come out and voice them all? Apart from "that sounds great, darling", don't you just wait and see how much they want to tell you? Or a nice, open "So, would you like to tell me a bit about him?".
Always take the lead from the other person, surely?

Three adult kids
Two met partners through work. One met partner during covid. Wider family live 300 miles away. Pictures easily accessible on LinkedIn.
All three were first introduced to wider family at weddings...one had been officially a partner for 10 weeks!

If you hadn't asked anything about her, or invited her to the party, that would probably have been wrong too.
I can't see that the OP has done anything wrong. Her ds needs to get a grip of himself

@GoodVibesHere

"Agreed!! When my adult DD told me she's got a boyfriend, my first thoughts were oooh, how did you meet, what's he like, where does he live, what's his name and let's see a pic. What's wrong with that? It's just nice to have that connection, and seeing a photo means that you feel more part of your child's lives. It is perfectly normal."

I dunno. I think it's a bit strange for a man to ask to see a picture of his son's new girlfriend without any other context. He hadn't asked anything about her (and it doesn't sound as if he was going to). He just wanted to see her photo.

No I'd say them all, to someone I had a close relationship with. Generally people like to talk about someone they are falling for!
i think your questioning style sounds more like a therapist speaking than a mum.

People are being very judgemental. Ok,maybe a family gathering not the best time to meet the new GF,but frankly OP hasn't. done anything wrong in suggesting it. Her DS could just refuse without making such a drama. And the father being called gross for asking to see photo is huge overreaction
He is of a generation where life was simpler and people didn't always watch what they said. Maybe slightly inappropriate but nothing else.

Leave the poor bloke alone. No wonder he’s pissed off.
He’ll introduce her in his own way, when and if he wants to. He’s not fifteen years old.

It’s not gross, probably just curious! But yes could have asked about her first - lol!

I think maybe your DS has over- reacted but at the same time your DH's 60th sounds overwhelming.
The idea of a small meal out or maybe even a take-away at yours sounds like an easier more comfortable way to be introduced first.
I do feel though now DS has told you about his GF, not inviting her to the party might seem a bit odd!
I don't see a problem at all with you DH asking to see a photo personally, but I'm not your DS.

Posters wouldn't be saying it was weird or gross coming from op herself, it's the idea of a man asking to see a picture of a young woman to see what she looks like.

Just text back ‘Chillax mate, I made a suggestion I didn’t try to interrogate her at gunpoint.’

Well yeah it’s his sons girlfriend… he didn’t ask to see her arse just her face. That’s a normal thing to do.

Op the reaction from your son sounds OTT but fair enough if he'd prefer to introduce his girlfriend at a more quiet dinner. Maybe he read into his dad asking for a picture and got the wrong end of the stick, maybe not.

Also your son is two years younger than me… neither you nor dad have done anything wrong or weird in this interaction. He’s just clearly smitten and terrified of scaring her off.