Neighbour(s) blank us

[lonelyneighbourhood]

Not sure if this is the right place or even that this matters that much! But it’s getting to me and I guess I’m wondering if AIBU?

We live on a small-ish street with neighbours either side. Our neighbour on one side totally blanks us. It started off just being me that she did it to and she would talk to DH, but now she ignores DH too, even if we smile and say hello, she’ll avoid eye contact and blank us. Mostly her husband says hello when we see him and he also sometimes stops and has a proper chat with us.

Other neighbours keep themselves to themselves, I suppose? We moved here five years ago and the family before us lived here 20+ years so I’ve wondered if that’s something to do with it. There’s maybe two neighbours on the whole street who speak to us.

We have a 14-month-old and a dog but are generally quiet people. We don’t have parties, don’t really have people round other than our families, and didn’t even pre-DC. We don’t play loud music at unsociable hours, we park considerately.

I guess I feel quite lonely and a bit on-edge in my own home, because I feel as though I’m in trouble. I know that’s probably silly but it makes me anxious and is getting me down. I work from home so I’m here all the time, whereas DH is only here evenings and weekends and is generally not an anxious person, so it bothers him a lot less, but even he commented on it at the weekend when our neighbour walked right past us without making eye contact.

I’m not sure what we can do to improve things? AIBU?

Does the dog bark a lot?

If not, then I think it's just a problem with them.

Does the dog bark
Do you park in a way that annoys them
Do you remember to put your bins out
Do you pick your dog poop up
Have you had any building work done

If no to any of the above, let it go. It's not important.

We smile, nod and say hello to our neighbours, that’s about it. You talk about feeling lonely whilst you WFH but I don’t think neighbours can really assist in that, even if you did get on. Could you work from the office some days, or from a cafe or something?

The dog will bark when there’s someone at the door, but that’s maybe every couple of days and only if we have a parcel or if a relative comes in, then she stops when I’ve got the parcel or when she’s seen who’s there. We don’t leave her her in the garden or anything like that - we make her take a toy out with her when she uses the garden so she doesn’t bark. If she does, we bring her straight back in.

We pick up her poo, the only work we’ve had done was a new boiler when we first moved here which I popped round to let neighbours know was happening because it involved drilling through our brick wall for the flue (?) so would cause dust. As in my OP, we park considerately.

My neighbour on one side does the same thing, I’ve stopped bothering. Over the weekend I walked past her as she was doing something with her car and she went and looked in the boot as I went past to avoid any eye contact with me. I’ve taken it as her actively making it clear she wants no civil pleasantries so will just ignore her back. Weird, and I was wondering whether it was because there was something she didn’t like about us, but it could only be something minor like the possible reasons you’ve listed and says a lot about her and nothing about me (or you).
Most people grow up out of this rude stuck up mindset once they leave school but not everyone I guess

My job is 100% remote unfortunately, but I plan to look for another job that’s more hybrid in a couple of years once I’ve finished my qualification. You’re right, it wouldn’t help much. I guess I hate feeling in trouble constantly. I don’t feel relaxed here because I’m always wondering what I’ve done, always trying not to make any noise. I’m very very mindful of any noise the dog might make. The baby sometimes cries at night as babies do but he’s never left alone to cry and he’s only been around for a short part of the time we’ve lived here.

The neighbour’s husband once apologised to me for the noise they made (teenage daughter shouting) and I said oh no don’t worry, it doesn’t bother us, and he said I was too polite. So I’m not sure what the deal is.

Focus on your own life, and leave them alone, the neighbours are not making you anxious you are doing that to yourself you tried so leave them to it now

That’s fair enough. Thank you. When you say ‘leave them alone’, though, it’s not that I’m seeking them out, which would be weird. Literally when we see them out and about or walking to or from the car etc, I’d smile and say hi. I think I’ll probably stop now.

It's no doubt disconcerting, but you're not going to change things by (for example) asking her or her husband about it; that would just make things weirder and more awkward. So, just try to be content in the knowledge that you're not doing anything wrong, and you're not the strange one.
One thing springs to mind - sex. Perhaps she thinks you've heard them through the walls, having sex, and is embarrassed by the thought. Or has she heard you?

We have the same thing with one neighbour. I find it really bizarre- how hard is it just to acknowledge someone?
We’ve just stopped thinking about it, it’s their problem not ours.
You’ve done nothing wrong at all.

Same here. I’m not terribly sociable but it actually makes me yearn for the 1950s and people chatting across their fences!

My surrounding neighbours are not friendly. I’ve never been in anyone’s house and hardly interacted except for complaints (8-year-old’s party in the garden…). The opposite neighbours absolutely blank me, even if I wave a hand upon coming out of my drive.

A “putting each others’ bins out” relationship would be nice but I guess people are suspicious of becoming involved . Especially if the neighbours are perceived as elderly.

I feel for you as you can’t help this anxiety over the situation.
You’re probably over thinking your role in it all, it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong, some people just aren’t interested in bothering with their neighbours. Don’t worry that you’re “in trouble”, they just aren’t chatty people.

They're under no obligation to acknowledge you or to have a chat. I’m friendly enough with our neighbours but there’s one who never shuts up if she catches you in the street and I do often avoid her as I don’t have the energy to be stood listening to her going on 😂

Honestly, you just live next door to an odd woman. This doesn’t have to be about something you have done. It doesn’t have to be because she has some theory about you. She might never give you a thought and is just an unfriendly woman with problems of her own.

I wish I had learned earlier in life that it’s not necessary for everyone to like me. I know I’m nice and if they want to take a preconceived notion of me based on a few random interactions and decide they don’t like me then that’s not about me, that’s to do with what sort of person they are. They’re missing out - I’m a good neighbour and a good friend.

But I know that 20 years ago, I would have worried just like you’re doing. Let it go. People have their own reasons for being the way they are.

Why are you giving it headspace? You know you’ve done nothing wrong.You’ll never find out why. Get on with your life.

Why is it necessary to label the other woman as odd?

Could be neurodivergent?

Some people are just in their own worlds.

I once heard a neighbour (who knew my husband through an activity) had been Very Upset because I Blanked Her In The Street!! Honestly I couldn't remember the occasion. My DH obviously said oh Lightwell wouldn't do that sort of thing - I am a super low drama kind of person so it doesn't sound like me, even if I'd had some beef I'd have still looked at her and said hi and nodded.

The thing is, often I don't look at people if I am out on my own or doing things around the house or in the road. I have been known to not notice friends. I am short sighted and don't wear glasses all the time, plus almost face blind in that I have to concentrate to recognise folks...and I think I am probably on the spectrum or at least with significant autistic traits as part of my makeup. So if I'm not in the mindset of "I am now engaging with humans" I just won't notice any of them.

The way you describe the neighbour that blanks you - her husband chats- suggests to me that it’s her issue and not something you can fix. If you were annoying then her husband would likely be in on the act.

The other neighbours sound like they are just minding their own business.

Kindly , if you feel lonely , then you need to look further afield. Are there mother / toddler groups timed such that you could attend? A local gym with mother/ toddler type classes?

Have neighbours like this. Never acknowledged a wave. We had a flash flood and the house flooded. We spent a few days pulling out carpet, ruined furniture and moving it to the front for collection. neighbour (higher side so not impacted) kept their normal coming/going carefully ensuring their heads were down to ensure no eye contact! At least I know clearly where I stand 🤷🏻‍♀️. I just ignore them back

You haven't done anything wrong. Some people are just very private. You would feel happier if she acknowledged you. She would feel vulnerable if she did - wary that you were intruding on her personal space.

I'm like you, and happily say hello to folks, but have learned to develop a thicker skin. We have recently moved, however, and it is lovely having friendly neighbours again.

I don’t talk to my neighbours next to us, they were getting massive parcels delivered to us (a queen sized divan bed for example!) and not bothering to pick them up for weeks despite knowing they were here and then when they did pick them up it would be knocking on my door at stupid oclock at night so I got annoyed with them. The rest are lovely but mainly old people who enjoy having a chit chat.

as long as your not failing to pick up your parcels from them, all I can imagine is that a) they could be neurodivergent b) they just like to keep themselves to themselves. Doesn’t make them odd.

Thanks everyone. I know this is my issue in overthinking it. I think it’s always been quite a quiet sort of place. When we moved in, a neighbour opposite stopped and looked at us going into the house, I kind of semi-waved/raised my hand and smiled, and they didn’t acknowledge us or do anything back, just turned and walked into their house. I think I’m missing a sense of community and feel like I’ve not really settled here. I think it will get better when I get a non-WFH job and maybe when DC starts school and we have a school community to be part of.

Tbh I think this isn't that unusual really. She may be worried about her DD shouting. Maybe she is just an introvert.you sound a bit lonely. Can you meet other mums for a coffee.or try the soft play centre. Perhaps pt work outside the house would suit when possible

Join a mums & tots group that will help you. Unfortunately not everyone is friendly at the school gates either!