Neighbour(s) blank us

[lonelyneighbourhood]

Not sure if this is the right place or even that this matters that much! But it’s getting to me and I guess I’m wondering if AIBU?

We live on a small-ish street with neighbours either side. Our neighbour on one side totally blanks us. It started off just being me that she did it to and she would talk to DH, but now she ignores DH too, even if we smile and say hello, she’ll avoid eye contact and blank us. Mostly her husband says hello when we see him and he also sometimes stops and has a proper chat with us.

Other neighbours keep themselves to themselves, I suppose? We moved here five years ago and the family before us lived here 20+ years so I’ve wondered if that’s something to do with it. There’s maybe two neighbours on the whole street who speak to us.

We have a 14-month-old and a dog but are generally quiet people. We don’t have parties, don’t really have people round other than our families, and didn’t even pre-DC. We don’t play loud music at unsociable hours, we park considerately.

I guess I feel quite lonely and a bit on-edge in my own home, because I feel as though I’m in trouble. I know that’s probably silly but it makes me anxious and is getting me down. I work from home so I’m here all the time, whereas DH is only here evenings and weekends and is generally not an anxious person, so it bothers him a lot less, but even he commented on it at the weekend when our neighbour walked right past us without making eye contact.

I’m not sure what we can do to improve things? AIBU?

Have you asked them if you’ve fine something to upset them? If you go this route you’ll have to be prepared for the answer (whatever that may be).
some neighbours just don’t want to mix. Try not to let it worry you 🙂

Some people are just like that. I'm friendly with one of my 3 neighbours in my block,on hello terms with another,but the other ones barely acknowledge me when they see me. I know it's not just me as the neighbour I'm friendly with said they are the same with her.

My neighbour was friendly with us and then started ignoring us. The neighbour on the other side used to ignore us and then started being friendly. It doesn't mean anything.

You are making up stories that you are in trouble etc etc. I'd suggest getting to the root of why you think its you, do you attribute other people's bad moods to you? You aren't that powerful!

Our next door neighbours fell out with us for no reason (and most of the rest of the neighbours since). I blank them totally now. The woman is vile, abusive, manipulative, deceitful and believes she is better than all the other woman around here. I actually think the husband would have been okay if he was married to someone nice, decent and normal but he isnt.

However my life is a lot easier ignoring them. Thankfully most of the other neighbours are absolutely lovely. I wouldn't worry about it. Get involved with toddler groups etc and you will kept busy.

We have the same issue, neighbour moved in early 2020 initially on her own, some time later her partner moved in with her. He is absolutely lovely and always speaks to us, but she continually blanks us and constantly has a face like thunder!

No idea what her issue is! I just respond in kind and ignore her right back.

@lonelyneighbourhood I would say hello to you if I was your neighbour!

We’ve lived here for around 15 years and the neighbours (not just next door but houses next door but one) are a real mix of:

Will say hello to us by name and have a quick chat about the weather, a little moan about something inconsequential and we have a joke then have a good day type of thing

Absolute blanking

Friendly but keep their heads down unless almost forced to say hello by close proximity

So a bit of everything really! Cliche but it’s not you it’s them, actually it’s all of us, we are all different and I totally understand where you are coming from, I still find it very difficult to understand why anyone cannot just say hi. Having said that, I’m so shy and possibly ND and have spent my life trying to appear “not shy” and so I should have more empathy. I do take it personally when neighbours blank me. I find it uncomfortable.

There's some weird people around OP. Leave her to it. Dont even both enquiring why.

Your not missing out on anything.

Tbh I probably come across a bit like your neighbour. Although, i do say hi if my neighbour is out or she says hi to me, but I definitely don’t engage conversation.

two reasons- I hate small talk it makes me really anxious

if I’m out the front of the house I’m probably in the middle of doing something (ie loading the kids to get them to school on time) and I don’t want to get into a conversation and end up running late.

sometimes, people just don’t want to make small talk, but it’s properly more her problem than anything you’ve done

I think it’s the south of England unfortunately, people are quite insular and not always very good socially. She clearly doesn’t like talking to people. My neighbour is the same, seems highly anxious and odd. Husband is friendly enough, I just don’t talk to her, she also avoids eye contact. I see it as a ‘her’ thing. Maybe you need to get out more? Have something and people to look forward to seeing in the evening, a hobby, gym perhaps?

Neighbour's husband probably fancies you....so she hates you

I’m guessing it’s the dog. Our neighbour’s dogs bark every time someone approaches their or our door, multiple times a day, and it drives me insane. I can’t even open my own front door without them yapping.The neighbours do nothing.

We moved from friendly Lincolnshire to unfriendly Dorset. I found it strange. We moved to Somerset and people are really nice generally. Not nosey just speak and pass the time of day.

I grew up in Lincolnshire too. Maybe that’s why I expect the friendly thing but no nosiness. Just a quick hi or hands up wave. Two seconds. It’s ok though.

This is true. I don't speak to my neighbours on one side due to noise pollution issues from them. They seemed nice enough when they moved in over four years ago but they soon started to make lots of noise til 2.30am at weekends.

Wow this is really sad. We have lovely neighbours, street parties once or twice a year (summer party, Christmas carols) and a street WhatsApp group that 95% of the neighbours are part of. Lots of friendly ‘does anyone want this chest of drawers/kids books/ anyone have a wheelbarrow I can borrow for a morning’ type thing. Really nice. When you live somewhere and are also working from home it’s nice to feel there are friendly people out there who would help you out at a pinch. We live in Bristol, not that it makes a difference.

We had neighbour like that - they were just strange

Oh I totally don’t think I’m powerful (at all - if anything, the opposite!). When I think about it, I’ve always worried about being in trouble, e.g. at school, at work, etc., and I do wonder if it stems from tiptoeing around my parents’ moods and constantly wondering what I’d done to make them stop talking to me and do the silent treatment… does that sound plausible? Or OTT?

I 100% accept that I’m overthinking this and need to rethink WFH all week because it isn’t healthy for me, I don’t think. I know some people love it and thrive on it but I’ve been doing it a few years now and feel like a hybrid balance would be better for me.

Also I totally get that I have no idea what’s going on for my neighbour. There could be any reason she doesn’t want to say hello or smile at us. I think it was when DH commented on it at the weekend after we walked past her in the street that I thought ‘hmm, maybe it is really strange and it’s not just me’.

Thanks all for your perspectives!

Of course it explains it. It makes you hypervigilent to people's moods. You can however choose to reform, starting with giving less of a fuck about how your neighbour is behaving. It takes practice but you can do it.

If you don’t wear your glasses all the time your eyesight will just carry on getting worse you realise?

I agree with this.

I can’t understand why a pleasant wave, a nod or - heaven forfend - taking out bins while on holiday is overstepping the mark.

Our older neighbours are not friendly, but the younger couples/families who have moved here in the past few years are almost hostile and do theatrical blanking. I think I might wave enthusiastically as I pass next time just to really freak them out…..

A very sweet and kind ost to such a horrible reply.

@TorroFerney remember to be kind, if at all possible 🙄

How was that unkind? We all do it if we have been programmed to people please, we are hyper vigilant as we think it’s our job to make sure people are happy and that if they aren’t we must have done something. Realising we are not that powerful and that other people are adults and need to manage their own moods is a really good lesson. The coping mechanism that kept us safe as kids usually , so a trauma response , we need to learn we can say goodbye to that. None of it is a criticism of the op, it’s rooted in trauma.

Ask them?

im honestly not having a pop at you, I’m a people pleaser , what have I done wrong person, well I was and it’s absolutely crippling. I can’t tell you how freeing it is to realise I am not responsible for others feelings and I’m not constantly in trouble.

I know the feelings are awful but they are just that ie feelings. They aren’t necessarily true, we create them. We tell ourselves stories. Sandra ignored me this morning she hates me. Meanwhile Sandra has just had a phone call to say her mum is in hospital and she’s in her head and just didn’t notice you.

theres lots of help out there reading wise, go on the podcast app on your phone and search people pleasing.