Neighbour(s) blank us

[lonelyneighbourhood]

Not sure if this is the right place or even that this matters that much! But it’s getting to me and I guess I’m wondering if AIBU?

We live on a small-ish street with neighbours either side. Our neighbour on one side totally blanks us. It started off just being me that she did it to and she would talk to DH, but now she ignores DH too, even if we smile and say hello, she’ll avoid eye contact and blank us. Mostly her husband says hello when we see him and he also sometimes stops and has a proper chat with us.

Other neighbours keep themselves to themselves, I suppose? We moved here five years ago and the family before us lived here 20+ years so I’ve wondered if that’s something to do with it. There’s maybe two neighbours on the whole street who speak to us.

We have a 14-month-old and a dog but are generally quiet people. We don’t have parties, don’t really have people round other than our families, and didn’t even pre-DC. We don’t play loud music at unsociable hours, we park considerately.

I guess I feel quite lonely and a bit on-edge in my own home, because I feel as though I’m in trouble. I know that’s probably silly but it makes me anxious and is getting me down. I work from home so I’m here all the time, whereas DH is only here evenings and weekends and is generally not an anxious person, so it bothers him a lot less, but even he commented on it at the weekend when our neighbour walked right past us without making eye contact.

I’m not sure what we can do to improve things? AIBU?

Our neighbours on one side are the same. They are the same age as us, give or take, but at best we get a hi. Did try to engage initially but given up now. There are some nice chatty people in other houses around so maybe it's worth chatting with them instead. Or if making an effort if someone else moves into the street.

I've lived in my house 30+ years now so seen a lot of comings and goings over the years. Observationally, as new neighbours have moved in, they come across as less neighbourly/friendly than in the past. I just think it's a sign of the times. They just come across as rude and unfriendly when my 'hello/morning/afternoon' gets blanked. I see it as a bad reflection on them and their lack of social skills.

It’s not you, it’s them. Maybe she feels anxious speaking to others or feeling she has to make an effort. People are different I wouldn’t read too much into it.
Our neighbours (elderly man and woman) - he speaks, she’s doesn’t. She blanks us- occasionally speaks to us which makes things awkward as you never know whether to speak or not, or if she’s on one of her moods. I no longer speak as I can’t be bothered for one and for two we fell out about some trees 🙄😂 so I’m glad I don’t have to gauge her moods anymore.
DH still speaks to the husband, but he’s got some dementia coming on we think, so doesn’t always speak now.

Do you think you are overthinking because you are isolated? Why not join a book club? Get out with your dog a bit more perhaps, ask about any local dog walking groups. 😊

I have had this twice in different countries, and for both I eventually found out from other neighbours that the people in question considered themselves celebrities and didn't interact. The first was a theatre actor, but not particularly famous. The second was a daytime soap opera actor (a small but recurring part) and I worked during the day so never saw it. So consider that it may be a bananapants reason that you could rack your brains for all day and never consider.

I really don't think it is anything you or your family are doing wrong - in fact you sound like very considerate, polite neighbours.

I guess some people just aren't sociable with their neighbours and like to keep their heads down.

Some people are just like this. They don’t want to engage in any way - even a smile
or a hello. I think you have to just accept it as it is and try to stop being anxious about it. If someone completely ignores me a couple of times then I follow their lead and ignore them back.

I have a neighbour who blanks me. I always say a breezy hello, but it is clear she does not like interacting with people and does not ever look at me. Your neighbour may be the same so it is not a you problem. Join a book group or walking group or something similar, so you don't feel you need to be social with unsocial neighbours.

We had a neighbour like this. Very odd. They moved but when I see her, blanked completely. So I do the same which makes me feel very petty. I didn’t want a friend, I just wanted to be courteous.

Ask the neighbours who you talk to if the non speaking neighbours talk to them. It may well be them, not you.

OP it's very unlikely to be a 'you' problem, some areas and neighbours are like this. Don't give it any more thought. I have lived in roads where the neighbours chat and get on well, and areas where I barely knew anyone's name.

We currently have NDN who is really odd, sometimes they are speaking to us and chatty, then months will go past when they blank us. Then chatty again. The properties are detached, we make very little noise, parking is not an issue, we don't have a dog or kids. They have a dog which barks quite a bit, but I've never complained about it. All of us are retired. We have no idea why they blow hot and cold and I don't care, it doesn't affect my life. Most of the other neighbours are friendly and we chat if we meet outdoors.

@LegoNinjaWarrior it’s exactly this - I don’t want to be their friend, just thought it was a given that you’re courteous/polite and acknowledge others, but that’s clearly not what our neighbour wants, so I’ll take her lead

I can also be a bit like you OP. Please take this advice as it’s really all about where you put your focus.

As a bit of a side story, one of my neighbours has taken a massive unreasonable dislike to us for something so trivial and she even blasted me to other neighbours in a real negative light.

I have come to the conclusion that it’s her, not me. I would never dream of doing what she did to me, so it shows her pathetic character.

With your neighbours, just take a step back mentally on trying to get them to like you. You’ve done nothing wrong so don’t torture yourself wondering. She’s probably just an antisocial person or taken a dislike to you over some sort of jealous reason.

I think you’re way overthinking this. When we moved in to our house the neighbour kept blanking me but would talk to DH. I also was convinced it was something to do with me and felt quite isolated and that there must be something the neighbour didn’t like about me. Turned out it wasn’t me all along. It was him. He was autistic and didn’t know how to interact with me. Now he talks to me and waves to me all the time. We did ask another neighbour and she said oh yes, that’s just his way, he wouldn’t talk to me either for months but I just persevered and now he always talks to me. What I’m saying is this might not be a you thing in the first place.

I think that’s where your upset is coming from - your neighbours aren’t required to acknowledge you in any way if they don’t want. It’s unlikely to be personal - she’s probably just not interested in making small talk and finds it easier to avoid talking you to altogether.

I have a neighbour who will talk your ear off if she catches you in the street so I often pretend I’m in a rush or on the phone when I see her as I just want to get home.

Meh some people are like that. Wouldn’t worry me one bit.

It sounds very much like a 'them' problem rather than a 'you' problem. In fact it's not really a problem at all - they don't want to interact, so don't. Some people are just like that.

A few years ago we had a couple move in a few doors down. Generally everybody on our road gets along - it's a typical fairly isolated North Yorkshire small market town where people look out for each other and will at least exchange pleasantries if they meet and more often than not have a bit of a natter; bit of a cliche but it's true. This couple just didn't want to know though, they never said hello, never saw them crack a smile, never saw them in the shops or pubs in town, never saw then at any of the social events that bring the town together...basically they never made any effort to become part of the community. That's fine, they don't have to, but it's an odd place to choose to live if that's your bag. After a few years they moved away again apparently because they thought people in the town weren't very friendly. Some people are just odd.

Hi OP, some people just aren't friendly. I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all. We had neighbours who were unfriendly before and it's made the world of difference since we've moved and have friendly ones now. It's a them problem, not a you problem.

I think it's pretty normal unfortunately. In my road there are some people where you say "good morning" on passing and they look straight through you. Most will say hello or nod, but that's where the social interaction ends.

I'm not too bothered about it though, never see much of the neighbours and most of them are in a different stage of life, retired, and a good 25-30 years and more older than me.

Do you leave the dog?

even if just going to work and weekends here and there may indicate people having to put up with a dog barking / howling at every.little.thing. I can speak from experience the constant barking causes domestics in neighbouring households. If you are not there you won’t know. Our neighbours have a dog, it barks at things air.

even if adult children stay home they go upstairs / in garden / go out and ignore it barking for hours on end.

it can literally ruin people’s homes. Just a thought.

OP I understand exactly how you feel. I work from home so am at home most of the time. On my part of the street there are houses either side and two opposite. One opposite will wave, say hello when they walk past, but in 10 years they have said no more than this. House to the other side will take in a parcel, chat, ask about the children, talk about theirs (theirs are older than hours, university age now) if you run into them, we will wave and say hello if we are in the driveway.

The other house opposite hasn't spoken a word to us ever, yet I have overheard the woman in the street saying that we were only renting to another neighbour in a disparaging tone (nothing wrong with renting, we were renters for 10 years, her words not mine) and talking about my husband's profession and how she wouldn't trust him, but "she is far worse". Bear in mind I have had no interaction with this woman ever. This was to a new neighbour on the otherside who waved when they moved in, but now blanks me completely. That annoyed me for a while, but it is what it is.

I would try not to let it bother you. I know I am happy with wave people opposite or occassional chat next door. I agree with other posters being too friendly with your neighbours can lead to fall outs and people might try to avoid that. I know some people also don't want a half hour chat every time they take the bins out. I once lived next to a woman like that and while she was lovely I would have to avoid her if I had things to do.

Because she is odd

“different to what is usual or expected; strange.”

it’s the norm to exchange polite gestures with neighbours.

I don’t think OP is the problem here. At all.

OP, the neighbour sounds like she has communication and interaction issues, probably coupled with an inability to see the importance of good relations with those around her. Nothing you’ve done will have made her like this.

MIL randomly falls out with friends and neighbours, and it’s genuinely fuck all to do with them, she just invents scenarios and takes umbrage at scotch mist. There are loads of people like this, and it’s how their brains work rather than what other people have done.

Is it? I've only ever lived in one place where it was normal to chat with the neighbours.

laughs in Londoner

You’re way, way overthinking.