Leave now or after baby

[Biscofflatte]

Hi I know I’m probably going to flagged for this.

Ive just started IVF this week, my partner and I are both 40. No children. Engaged. Together 11 years.

He hasn’t been very supportive and is completely bone idle around the house. I’ve realised today that I no longer want to be with him. He doesn’t take into account my wellbeing and doesn’t seem to care about me.

i want a child. If we broke up now I wouldn’t want another relationship so wouldn’t be able
to have a baby. I wouldn’t want to even go near another man.

do I continue with the ivf have the baby then when the time is right leave him? Or leave now and cancel the ivf/give up the dream.

Why not use donor sperm and do it on your own?

Leave now, and maybe try donor, as suggested 👆

I'd have the baby then leave him. I know that doesn't make me sound like a nice person but I know what being desperate for a baby feels like, and if it's your only chance, then I'd grab it with both hands. I suppose you could leave him and use a sperm donor instead? That way he would be out of your life for good, without the need to try to get along enough to co-parent effectively. I'm trapped with my husband because we have frozen embryos and if I left he could have them destroyed, but every time we start fertility treatment something happens that means we have to delay the cycle.

Agreed. If he's a shit partner now then he will 100% be a shit dad. So if you're going to be solo parenting either way, I would use donor sperm and avoid the resentment that comes with trying to co parent with a lazy uninvolved man. It's also unfair on the child to knowingly give them a shit dad. That would potentially cause them so much heartache.

How would you feel about fostering? Being single is not a barrier to fostering. I'm not sure about adoption.

But yes, donor sperm might be an option (not sure age wise).

But don't tie yourself to him for the rest of your life. Legally it might stop at 18, but it doesn't ever really stop until one of you dies.

Donor.

Have you asked him what he wants? How invested in having a child is he?

Put the interests of your future child first.
It would be shitty for all involved (including the child!) to conceive now, knowing that you already intend to split.
Separate, sort yourself out, then try to conceive with a donor.

FWIW, fostering and adoption are not substitutes for becoming pregnant. All three of these routes to parenthood are valid, but are fundamentally different in reason and purpose.
A parent who has/is struggling to conceive biologically is not going to benefit from fostering for example, where you have a continuing often short-term placement of a child that you then have to say goodbye to. Adoption comes with its own challenges, not least the process.

As a woman who stayed - 🤦‍♀️… leave and do donor - I wish I had - if you stay you will potentially have to share custody and deal with his lazy ass for the next 20 years

If he’s lazy and uncaring now that will not miraculously change after a baby. In my case I grew up and rose to being a parent he stayed a man child … run and get yourself sorted TODAY

Go down the donor route.

Surely you must realise that’s preferable to knowingly having a baby with a piece of shit as a father?

This was me three years ago - I stayed and had the baby and hoped it would get better. It didn't and we broke up when she was 10 weeks. I would make the same decision again.

Obviously I have my DD and would never change her but my ex-DH became a lot nicer to me and stepped up massively with DD after the divorce. We have an amicable co-parenting relationship and DD knows who her dad is and where she comes from. I think what's often missing from sperm donor relationships is that children can sometimes feel like they don't know half of their identity. Not all sperm donor kids feel that way, and plenty of father's are so awful that I'm sure many people wish they came from a sperm donor instead, but I just wanted to put a counter to the whole "use a sperm donor it'll be fine."

If this man is remotely abusive and if you have a feeling in your bones he won't be a good father than do not have a child with him, that goes without saying. But whilst ex-DH was an absolutely appalling husband, he is a devoted father and makes our DD feel loved and chosen and it's wonderful to see.

However, like I say, we have a very amicable co-parenting relationship where I have full custody and call the shots, but never deny him access to DD. It's built on a lot of trust and respect on both sides to get over the pain and hurt and it took time to get there. If you can have a situation like me, do it. But these things aren't guaranteed.

Why would you choose a lazy and unsupportive father for a child? Yes, having children is ultimately selfish. But having children while lying to their father and creating a shit situation for them is not just selfish.

Use a sperm donor and do it on your own

At 40 and you want a baby, i’d stay until you’re pregnant and then go. Ordinarily, i’d say do not have a baby with this lazy man as they only
get worse when pregnancy and babies come along. Remember you have to co-parent with him though for 18yrs and trust him to care for your child up to 50-50 once baby is of age to sleep out overnight.

This 100%

If you can afford to do ivf on your own then using donor sperm would be less complicated . Co parenting with someone you hate is hard

Sperm donor. Do you want to share your child 50/50 with this man?

I’m always surprised by people suggesting fostering or adoption as a reasonable alternative to having a baby of their own genetic material.

It is not unreasonable or unusual to want a baby that is your DNA and not be at all interested in anything else. I think this is the default position of almost everyone who wants children, and sometimes people get unfairly villainised for stating it even though almost everybody thinks it.

I mean this gently - I have had several rounds of ivf - but you say you started it this week, do you mean you started hormone injections this week? If so, then this may be clouding your judgement and irritation levels.

i wanted to bludgeon my DH on many occasions when I was being pumped full of hormones, but I’m glad he never took my screams requests for him to leave seriously.

if he is genuinely shit then I’m not sure what I’d suggest to be honest, a lot saying donor sperm but it’s not like you can just swap at this stage in the process and say can you just use donor sperm instead of my husbands 🤷🏼‍♀️ and if you’re having funded ivf then I believe it is 3 private rounds of using donor sperm before you can go back on the list for nhs funded round, so that’s cost and time to also consider.

If having a child if a burning desire then I would probably suggest staying, then see if you do still like your DH / he steps up once baby has arrived and your hormones have settled, or leave at that point.

good luck with the ivf 🤞🏼

Donor. Do you really want to be attached to this man for the next 18 years? And probably longer. Or only have contact with your child 50% of the time?

Apart from that, it would be morally pretty awful behaviour to use him to have a baby with the intention of leaving when you get pregnant (?)

I think it is safer to use sperm of someone you know, your current partner, so there are less likely to be genetic surprises or unknowns.

From an identity perspective, your child has some chance of wanting to know who their father is and having a deep desire for connection to their heritage that cannot be met until adulthood if you use donor sperm. It’s not a guarantee, it’s possible they won’t care, but I think there is a fair chance they will and in that case unless he is awful to a dangerous degree (which is not what you have described) they may well be far better off knowing who their father is from birth, even if you do separate in the end.

Having a child with no connection to their father and not knowing their father growing up is no small thing to take into consideration. If you’ve known who yours is all your life then it might be unobvious how much not knowing can affect someone.