To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

You can insist all you want but you can't make them move.

Your husband would need a visa to get a job in NY - visas of any kind are very difficult to get now. Most companies don't want to invest the time and money.

Your children are at a terrible age to move into the US system. It is radically different. One isn't better than the other but they are very different. Could you afford private British school? Only way it would work is this.

The political environment here is the worst it has been in my 30 years living here. I live happily in the US and I think you are insane to even consider it as a move for a family. I hope your husband sticks to his guns (speaking of which ....)

If they're only working 6 months of the year, they are no different than the OP who chooses to work as an usher because she enjoys it. What they choose to do in their nit contract time is their choice & that's all it is.

How is s/he going to travel home regularly for visits while doing intensive rehearsals, and then 6 performances a week?

Real performers in musical theatre have punishing schedules, unless they’re right at the very top of the profession when they might be able to dictate their own terms a bit. There’s definitely not enough wiggle room to allow for regular transatlantic visiting.

I wouldn’t think too well of a partner who encouraged me to pursue my dreams, said he was onboard and then with no discussion said NO!

This deserves a thorough conversation about how this can be made to work. It is a massive achievement for you to have secured this role. Is this normally a relationship where you support each others life goals? A true partnership where you aim to facilitate each others growth? Have you done similar for your husband? Supported his career? Taken time out to bring up children.

He doesn’t get to say NO without a respectful and reasoned conversation, what will be the longer term impact on your relationship if your partner goes back on his previous support? Does he realise there will be an impact? I would find this hard to forgive tbh, others may feel differently.

Contract 18 .months. Then you MAY renew it. But not sure. You could be stuck in NY without a job. Or as you say you could come back. Uproot your family AGAIN.
And what about a green card for your husband if he went?Think you need to go. You could fly back for visits. They could spend their holidays with you.
But no way can you ask your family to uproot. Especially as it will be temporary. And what did you mean by insisting they uproot?You can't insist.

Omg!! You go to NY and leave your kids at home with their dad!! That's the solution.

Any other time I’d say what an opportunity and try and persuade your DH and DCs. However, with that maniac in charge, I wouldn’t even go for a long weekend.

Yeah I can't see it myself, even our well known people rarely work broadway. But it's an interesting discussion none the less

Would he be allowed to work there? On the visa you’re on.

I feel for you this is an amazing opportunity. Having said that your kids are the worst age for it. If they were tiny I’d say go.

Lily Allen is this you? West End Girl in reverse

I will try and have another conversation about it all with DH tomorrow because he’s asleep at the moment.

She’s working in the west end why couldn’t she work in broadway?? There are so many roles for people aged 40+

Well you obviously can’t insist on your DH and children moving because you can’t force your DH to go and he can object to you taking your children.

Have you done any research on areas where you’d live, rental costs, schools, etc, etc ?

Of course I worry about moving my children to a completely different school system but I do feel there are ways to possibly make it work.

America is the last place I’d go right now.
never mind with children, leave them here.
they might let you back in afterwards

I'd go I think. DH can bring the kids over every holiday. It's not even for 2 years.

I used to work in the industry, trust me when I say the OP is talking bollocks.

Edited as forgot to add …. And there are definitely not many roles in musicals for 40+ performers!

You were unreasonable to even consider auditioning with a child about to go into GCSE years.

I suspect your DH has now re-thought this fact.

Also, America has destabilised radically even in the past week, so even if he thought last week it could be a go’er, that possibility may well have changed overnight.

Your husband may have really meant it when he said you'd all move. However recent events in US especially this week with ICE make it a very dangerous and unstable place to live. Your family are no doubt aware of this.I'm grateful to my parents everyday for moving us out of there when I was 12 (a long time ago)

Leave the family at home and you go.

They come see you when they can - you try and work the rota so you get home for a block every month?

What ways could you make the different school system work? Can you afford private international school? Have you researched school districts in NYC or NJ? Do you realise your 14 year old will be entering high school which is radically different to the GSCE/A level path.

You sound disconnected from practicality/reality tbh.

If they don’t want to go now that it is a real option then you can’t make them. Your DC are at an age when it is difficult to uproot and make friends-not to add assimilating into a completely different education system. And all for a very precarious career. I wouldn’t do it either. If you are ushering, you’re clearly not in a starring role so i don’t understand how you would earn enough to support everyone in New York

But your contract means nothing. You could end up moving everyone, disrupting your children's education (particularly the 14 year old) for just long enough to be damaging, before it all turns to dust and you all have to come back.

Genuinely, this is so hard to be believe, purely because it sounds impossible for you to earn enough for you all to live in New York (presumably you'd sign a rental contract for 18 months, and then.... Well what happens if your show closes?). And I honestly can't think why anyone would disrupt their kids like that for the first year of GCSEs. And it doesn't seem to have occurred to you that your DH won't be able to work. Have you done any research at all? It's just madness.

100%

If the OP is British, they would need a O1 visa to be able to work in performing arts in the US. O1 visas are incredibly hard to get and you have to be able to demonstrate a certain level of annual
income from performing arts plus a certain level of public reputation as an actor/performer (think lead roles, publicity, published reviews, newspaper articles, media interviews, etc).

Very few people work consistently (or earn high salaries) in WE musical theatre - even very talented people may only get one WE MT contract in their whole career. For the OP to work at a high enough level and earn enough to qualify for an O1 visa to the US, they would have to be a very well-known name - and it seems unlikely that a performer at that level would be working as an usher for fun.