To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

Can you afford schooling, housing and health care for you and your family on the salary?
Settling into a new country is hard and one parent should ideally be taking 6 months out of work to settle the kids in.
We moved countries. It is very expensive. Unless the employer is sponsoring your whole family and accomodation
Even then its really hard with kids.
Will you be working evenings and weekends as it is in theatre?
If you all go and hate it can you leave your current house empty.
Will your husband get a working visa if you are on a temporary contract?
You could say you will go for 6 months by yourself and work out when you can come back and visit and what a long term plan looks like. But they may not want to ever come and join you. What happens then?

Half of borough market is staffed by out-of-work west end performers.

There’s absolutely no way the OP is going to be earning the kind of salary which will be able to support her husband and two children.

And does she expect her DH to give up his job to persue her dreams? I don’t think so.

Let me guess, the play the OP is going to be starring in is some kind of fantasy?

This seems…unusual.

Is it for Cats?

I know! I used to too and can’t even be bothered to go into how unlikely this is.

It’s a very precarious industry. Shows close suddenly, if this happened a month in what is your Plan B? Will you rent your house out in the UK or is this a full lock, stock and barrel move? It’s not really the same as an existing corporate job giving you a secondment, which comes with safety nets and financial packages. Would you live in New York itself?

Same! Utter crap.

Or posting their dilemma on mumsnet where they could clearly be outed in the daily mail tomorrow.

It wouldn’t take much digging to find out a west end performer with children the same ages as the OP’s who is about to head to broadway.

I can’t believe this is real but if it is YABVU and selfish to consider moving your kids to the US for an extremely precarious career opportunity. Cannot fathom people who disrupt their kids lives for their “dreams”. Utterly selfish.

How long is your contract for and can they end it early (common with new productions)? Is the pay enough to support a whole family, remember New York makes London seem dirt cheap!

Re your last paragraph how do you get him to not say no? You can’t make him not say no.

Tbf things have got a lot worse in the US since your audition. I wouldn't set foot in America now until things change.

What ways. Your DC is working towards GCSE. The system in America is totally different. He could not cope. It would be bad enough for him to move schools in UK at this age. You don't seem to have done any research or made plans. New York expensive. Would you earn enough to keep family?Your husband certainly wouldn't be allowed to work without a green card.

You cannot be serious. Reverse? Or rage bait?

Of course you can’t insist your DH and DC move to NY. Who made you the boss of them?

One of our friends got a part on Broadway about 15 years ago.
Family all moved to New York. The marriage only lasted another 12 months.
Family came back home and she stayed in America.
She kept getting bigger and better parts. Then one day she was classed as too old.
Family broke up and now the children are older don't have a good relationship with her.
She is back in the UK living in a one bed flat. Only parts now are in the background

So whatever your DH does for work is enough to financially support the family and you don't need to earn (but choose to work as an usher).

Does your Broadway show pay enough for relocation costs and to pay for your DC to go to an International school in NY so your children can continue with UK curriculum?

Is your DH employed and could he transfer or would he need to find different work? How sure are you he would be able to get the relevant visa? If he couldn't work does your role pay enough to support the whole family?

I think it sounds like it is your dream but no-one else's. Your DH has said you can go - would you consider going alone for 3 months to be sure the show will run? To figure out schools and accommodation? The DC can visit and make an informed choice about moving?

I'm all for equal opportunities but no way could l leave my teenage daughter to follow some pipe dream - she needs me as much now as she did at primary school- l think going alone would ruin your relationship and so would uprooting everyone.

Are any of you American? If not can your husband even work there? Can your kids go to school? It’s a very, very complicated time in the states and everything is difficult.

My husband and I are both American. We immigrated to Scotland about 20 years ago and had kids here. I would never ever take my children to live over there now, it’s a nightmare. I cannot believe what has happened in the last decade.

I appreciate your husband was enthusiastic and then not which is rubbish really, but if he reads the news it makes more sense. It’s a bad time over there.

People are allowed to change their minds.
I would probably have done sth like your husband because I always think “give something a go and see if you get it and what the situation is and make a decision then.”
I have similarly aged children and I absolutely would not disrupt their secondary education for anything.
in your shoes, I would consider taking tbe role and trying it out. As many have said, it may nit
work out and I would not uproot them for something that was not cast iron guaranteed.
i work for a US company and it isn’t in the cards for
me to bist any time soon but as I said to my son earlier when he was talking about visiting the US on holiday, I do not want to go whilst the current regime is in power.

None of us are American.

You want to move your DD as she’s coming into her GCSE years to a completely different school system? Madness.

Just go on your own and have the kids come over for school holidays, they’re old enough to fly alone if DH doesn’t have the leave to be able to do that. Presumably you’d be working 5 nights a week with matinee shows as well in that role anyway so you’d hardly see them between school hours and your work hours anyway.

such as what? How do you move a 14yo to a completely different school system for 18m?

I think it's madness to move teenage DCs.

Your DH may actually have a lot more difficulties than you think finding work. The visa/green card system is very difficult.

I've lived abroad for a few years and it puts an enormous strain on a marriage, even when all parties are initially on the same page.

Hell no. I would not be moving to America

You go. Ask the family to come and visit you for a few weeks once the show is up and running.
Continue holidaying with each other while it is fun and let them decide whether to join you permanently for the final six months.

Only consider working there for a max of two years, out of respect for the feelings of your family.

I think this is exceptionally selfish. You can’t have the career you want AND the family life you want when neither your DH nor your DC want to leave theirs. You have to pick one.

I live on the east coast. Schooling here is vastly different from in the UK and I wouldn’t wish middle school in any child newly arrived from the UK, let alone high school. It would be actually cruel especially if they come with a negative attitude.

Come alone and travel back. Do the minimum to get you better roles in London.