To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

Why not at least read the OO's piers before rushing in to have you say??

it's an 18 month contract.

I would pass on that.

What if the show closes early? It’s very common.

Yes I do but I was too young to go

When I went through the audition process DH said he was open to it and wanted to move and now he’s dead set against it and refusing to even consider it.

I wonder what factors may have changed his mind...

I feel bad for asking this but feel it to be relevant - are you all white? If not, I absolutely would not put my family through that.

You don’t have a choice.
you can’t force him to move. And you can’t force the kids to move against their fathers wishes.
I also wouldn’t move. Even with a very senior role you are unlikely to be able to support a family of four living in New York. It’s extortionate.
Go on your own. You can zoom your kids/travel back/ they visit over summer. It’s totally doable for 18months.

If contract is only for 18-months what would you do about your 14yo’s schooling? Is she in Year 9 or Year 10? Either way in 18 months she would be returning to school either at the end of Year 10 or the end of Year 11 which will have a huge impact on her GCSEs, the American education system is completely different so it’s not like she will easily be able to catch up on the work missed towards her GCSEs. I appreciate this is a big opportunity for you but it could have a detrimental impact on your DD to leave her school at this point and then return mid-way through GCSEs.

If you are a performer, and if you got cast in a Broadway show then this is an utterly devastating moment for you.

But, you know that this move would be extremely difficult for your family.

For a start, you won't be there for them as you will be working every night, and most days.

Your husband will be on an alien spouse visa, and therefore cannot work.

The school system is hard to navigate - some schools have 5,000 kids.

Who provides you with health care and what do they provide? I assume it is Sag Aftra but that needs a look, and the tier needs to be established.

I lived in NYC, and am good friends with many performers. If your post is true, then congratulations, as that it is a hell of an accomplishment - to be cast like that.

It is very hard to see how you could make it work though, without massive enthusiasm from the whole family.

I see what you mean. DHs contract in New York was finite and we knew we'd be back before Yr1 for our DS.

I've seen some really bad pieces of timing. One person we knew a few years back came to Cambridge theological collage to train for priesthood. It's a 2 year course, I was shocked that she up rooted 2 kids in the middle of exam courses. Her elder child did year 11 and year 12 here and the younger one years 9 and 10. The older got a very bad deal.

Another friend emigrated to the states daughter 14. Bearing in mind they start school later, the curriculum is different. Friends daughter said it was very easy school work because the American children were two years behind. This means catching up when you return to the UK.

You need to go by yourself if you really want this. It’s the wrong age to move kids. But I think this is a reverse and your DH is suggesting some kind of a move himself, which you don’t want.

Agree, incredibly selfish. Poor kids having a mother putting her wants above what’s best for them.

It's a great opportunity for you, but horribly disruptive for the rest of the family. Eighteen months isn't that long. Build in trips back for you and visits from them. Do lots of video calls. (I'm speaking as someone who spent most of the pandemic separated by thousands of miles and two closed borders from her partner - and knew this was a risk when he flew back.)

If you land up wanting to make the move permanent because new professional opportunities emerge try not to let that come as a shock. Be prepared for it to be a deal-breaker for your partner - not everyone is willing to uproot, even for someone they love. Sometimes a relationship doesn't survive the upheaval of emigration.

As for your partner seeming keen at the audition stage - it's easy to focus on the exciting, positive aspects when everything is hypothetical - natural, even, if you're trying to be a supportive partner - but the cold, hard reality is a different proposition. Don't judge him too harshly - it's difficult to have a realistic, obstacle-raising conversation until you're confronted with the bridge you have to cross or not cross.

Understand you must feel like the rug has been pulled from under you but I can also understand your DH changing his mind now its real.

Very obviously you cant insist your family move with you. You must surely know this?

In these type of movie scenarios the ambitious up and coming actress abandons her husband and family to pursue her dreams of stardom, because she feels she has so much to give the world. Once she's reached the pinnacle of her success, is famous, wealthy, and has had the full glamour makeover... she realises it is lonely at the top and not all that it is cracked up to be... from rags to riches... from riches to emptiness... she misses her husband and family. She goes back to see them. They give her the finger. The End.

if you don't need to work, then I presume DHs wage is what you survive on week to week and you want him to quit that job for 18 months, possibly less or more?
give up your home (if you own woulld you rent it for 18 months or leave it empty),
pull the kids from school to go to America and then just as everyone is settled in, do it in reverse.

kids may not get places back in their current school, the curriculum changes would be a nightmare with exams coming up

DH may not get back into a similar career bad legally. an he definitely work a full time job there or will you support them all?

I'd say take the job. work out dates to come home / them visit you.teach the kids that their goals are important even when they're grown with kids of their own.

I work as long haul cabin crew and have been to New York many, many times and it is HELLISLY expensive to spend only a day & night there so I dread to think how much it would be to live and exist there.
Also don't forget, you will all need health and dental insurance, possibly money for the laundrette (most NY places are apartments and they don't provide washing facitilies). New York is nothing like they portray in films. To uproot them for potentially only a year and half really isnt worth it.

Have you not paid any attention at all to what's happening politically in the states right now? And it's ramped up dramatically the past few weeks.

I don't blame your husband for refusing to go, or your children.

People are allowed to change their minds.

I don't think you are wrong to want them to move, and DH was selfish not to say he had doubts before you auditioned. However, I wonder if it's very telling that you haven't really responded to the posts about your children's education or your husband's work or actually your finances? Have you really thought through all the implications for everyone, or have you just thought of and planned for you and assumed everyone else would just sort themselves out? It seems really odd that none of your replies talk about looking where you'd live, or understanding the American school system, or having looked into health insurance, or hubby's job? Surely if you'd actually been thinking through and researching this move seriously for your whole family, you would have had a wealth of knowledge about ALL those things before you'd applied for the role!

Some of this sounds so ludicrous I can’t actually believe that it’s true. Is this a new musical? Have you been offered the lead role? If you are a swing or in one of the more minor roles, I don’t see any way that you could possibly support an entire family in New York on the salary you will earn. Do you have any idea how extortionately expensive it is to live there nowadays? As an industry veteran, you must also be aware of how common it is for musicals to close suddenly. The West End and Broadway is littered with the corpses of musicals that were going to be the next big thing. What is your plan if the musical you are contracted to closes after eight months? Your work Visa will be tied to that production, you can’t just pop around the corner and audition for something else.

you say that your husband’s line of work is in demand there but that is irrelevant, without a working Visa he will not be able to pursue a career. Even if he finds a sponsor for his Visa, there is going to be a period of time when the family is entirely dependent on your income. You seem to have given no thought to your children’s education in this scenario, your 14-year-old in particular may already have started her GCSE courses and if you do need to return after 18 months she’s going to be in an impossible situation and have missed most of the work for her exams.

an 18 month contract is also rather unusual, six or 12 months are the industry standard. Why are you being offered such a lengthy contract?

Fuck that shit right now, politically you’d be mental to risk it.

That’s before you look at moving your kids at these pivotal points in their lives.

It’s an awful scenario op and I understand your disappointment as your dh was inf about of your auditioning. HOWEVER, I have a career opportunity coming up which allows me to work for a year (maybe more) in another country. Three months ago I’d narrowed my choice down to France, Berlin, or New York. In the last two weeks it’s become crystal clear to me that America is not somewhere I want to be right now. That’s probably how your dh feels. It’s been a tumultuous fortnight in American politics and whilst I may have moved my children to NY in November, now?!? No way.

But that can't be guaranteed. Shows close early all the time.
Also she is extremely naive if she thinks her husband will easily be able to get a job. A work visa in the USA isn't easy to get.