To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

This is probably missing the point but what would the visa situation be? Would you be sponsored? I understood it was difficult to get an US work visa, especially with family in tow.

I might be in the minority here, but NYC is always going to be a great place - regardless of Orange Mussolini

Used to be in the business myself and I’ve never heard of an 18 month contract? They’re usually a year with possible extension if all goes well. Seems strange to me. Is it a new show or one that you’re joining?

I just Googled 'How easy is it for british actors to get roles on Broadway?'

In a nutshell: unless it's someone VERY famous, it's not. The unions want the jobs to go to American actors and visas are extremely difficult.

He almost certainly get a visa. He won’t be working so matter how qualified or awesome he is.

Your children will struggle with the education change and then presumably coming back.

New York City is mega expensive and you won’t be able to live anywhere suitable in Manhattan.

You haven’t thought this through. You want to chase a dream which is fine but you go alone or not at all. You can’t insist your children and husband love abroad YABU.

I won’t even start on the fact that choosing to live in the US right now is crazy.

I wouldn’t have any issue with moving to the US per se, but you cannot force your family to move, and you can’t move a 14-year old for 18 months; they’re crucial years for exams.

It’s not a steady enough career path to move a family on, even if they were on board.

If this is even real…

That's my thinking too.

but my BIG questions are

1. who does she think she is to 'move her family' against their wishes (especially DH)
2. HTAF does she intend to 'make' them move. I could just about physically make a 4 year old do something they didn't want to, let alone 3 people tge sizes of her DH & kids.

Too much uncertainty to uproot especially to the US , another pandemic , Trumps stance on Iran , ICE and that’s before the fact it’s only a short contract currently

This is a really important point.

I wonder if he was enthusiastic about the audition because he wanted you to make the right decision for you. A supportive partner wouldn’t want to feel like they’ve stopped their other half reaching their goals (or have it thrown back at them at a later date) - I’d go, see if you like it, and arrange lots of visits for them, and trips home for you. It might just be amazing - and you can always come back if you don’t like it.

Contracts are usually 6 months? So do that and commute during your vacations?

Well you can "insist" all you like, but how are you going to force a grown man, a teenager and an eleven year old onto the plane?

TBH I'm with your DH. There's no way I'd be going to the US with that lunatic in charge.

Slightly off topic but what are the reasons someone posted here about not even going on holiday to New York atm?

OP have you done the sums? Could the salary and healthcare package you will get support you all if your DH can’t find work? And even if he can find work, will he then find work easily again on your return to the uk…or is it going to be hugely damaging to his career?

Have you looked at what it costs to rent a property in NY? What other overheads will you need to consider? Have you factored in travel costs for returns to the uk?

Re your kids, I just wouldn’t be considering it at their age. You can’t uproot a 14 year old for anything other than an emergency or something that’s entirely out of your control. Quite apart from the possible educational damage that could be done, 14 is such a difficult age socially. If you do 18 months out there, where does that leave your 14 year old if you have to return before they’ve taken their exams? Once your visa has expired, you’ll have to leave, whether or not it’s convenient for your child.

This is a huge ask for your family and they have an awful lot to lose here. I know it’s disappointing when you’ve got your hopes up (and it sounds like you need a discussion with your DH about how this all played out) but you must see that it’s not as simple as ‘it’s an amazing opportunity for me and I won’t leave my family so the only solution is they have to come with me.’

@VickyEadieofThigh - exactly what I was thinking.

@TheCoralBear - you should go and take the role, see if the show lasts longer than a few months. Within this timeframe get your family to visit, see if this changes their minds. Will your wage be enough to support your family?

I have to say there is no way I would want to live in America at the moment. Also isn't rent super expensive in New York for less space?
Has your older one started their GCSEs?

No, it's only for a short time (18 months) and not a good time to switch education system on your 14 yr old. And by the time they've adapted to a new place, culture (if they do) etc you'll possibly be dragging them back to the UK. It's too disruptive. Go on your own and come back every 8 weeks, or they can come and stay in NY for a holiday too.

Of course you shouldn't uproot your husband and teenage children and insist they all move to New York. Even if it was possible why should they uproot their lives for your job that might only be temporary anyway.
It's a great opportunity for you and I don't understand why you don't go alone. It's completely selfish to expect your family up go with you though

You are looking at uprooting your children from friends and education, maybe temporarily, maybe permanently. How will they fit back in if you move back within 12-18 months? Will they still have places at their schools? Will you have to move elsewhere in the country? Do they have family here too?
With your husband I can imagine he thought it might be exciting when he said go for the audition, but now it’s a reality he’s thinking of the problems of getting a job in the US, and then getting another job back here when you move back.
Are you expecting to persuade them all to stay there indefinitely and if so, what are the implications for their education, relationships, friendships and your DH career? It all has to be a balance of everyone’s life, not just yours.
I think you should go on your own if it is such a massive opportunity and make long distance work. The problems inherent in trying to settle in the US temporary and then have to find housing, education and jobs when you come back are massive.

A mate of mines wife is a film and TV actress, she often works in the US - but he stays right here, of course he and their children pay visits, but its not permanent work for her, it ends.

So I'd say take the role, live in NY for a bit, hubby and kids come and visit - if more roles come from it, it might be worth re-locating the whole family.

Your daughter is at an absolutely critical point of her education and you're considering moving her half way across the world with the knowledge that you may have to bring her back half way through her GCSE year? You claim you won't 'abandon' them and go away alone but you are prepared to risk fucking up her education. Wow.

Your husband probably , in his heart of hearts didn’t think you’d get the part and was saying go for it so he didn’t squash your dreams . You are however being utterly unreasonable, you have children who do not want to move and it could potentially seriously impact their education particularly the older child . Stop being selfish ,this is your dream not theirs .

It would be massively selfish to disrupt your kids schooling like that. Plus shipping them all off to a fascist state is hardly a tempting offer. Go on your own.

Blessed day. Under his eye.

You've completely failed to address any of the genuine concerns people have raised about moving to America

The point isn't whether you work as an usher or not between contracts, but that you have breaks between contracts. The question being how great a contract would be given to someone of your level?!

NY is fucking expensive, how lucrative is your contract?

Friends daughter has a similar career has worked on the London stage and worldwide. She has dialled back with the children at times but whenever she works abroad it's solo. Husband and children stay by choice, home, school and family are here.

One show she did closed after eight weeks.

I'm reminded of Hugh Laurie who was in HOUSE his family didn't join him for a number of years.

It's your dream @TheCoralBear not theirs.

It’s all nuts, NYC is one of the most liberal cities on earth and also the most fun and exciting. Some Mumsnetters seems to think it’s now like Robocop or something.