To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

@FairKoala You’d risk jeopardising the DC’s education for a short-term job?

Also, they’re 11 and 14 - a nanny is hardly appropriate!

Given the dh doesn’t have parental rights then I think she can take them

He will not be able to get a visa under the current rules unless he chooses to lie about it (which I seriously would advise against).

Forcibly?
dc don’t want to go.
Their reasons for not wanting to move are literally just that they don’t want to go and that they want to stay in the UK, they haven’t given any other detailed reasons and that is part of the issue in my opinion. They are now just dead set against it and refusing to consider it at all.
do many airlines allow people to be forced on?

Are you in the UK?

I don't think you understand how crucial it is that children do not miss this stage of their education. The daughter will be starting her GCSE studies. If these are interrupted it will really screw up her education and, while she could catch up, why would you make it difficult for her?

i don’t mean to hurt your feelings and haven’t read the whole thread so it may have been mentioned already, but surely i cannot be the only one that thinks that your husband was supportive during auditions because he thought you’d never get it.

you do realise it’s parental responsibilities don’t you? As in doing the best for your children. It’s not parental rights, you don’t own them and the court can and will step in when needed

I’m assuming if he felt the need to he could go to court and get his parental responsibilities back. Given the children don’t want to go and their ages, if it went to court he may win them back

How old are your children? Are you aware that DH can apply to regain his parental responsibilities? Does DH have a criminal record that could affect his chance of getting a US Visa?

The OP states their ages in the first sentence of her opening post.

Be prepared for the children to run away/refuse to get on the plane or even not speak to the OP again!

Just imagine you have 2 children settled in school and you decide that you are taking them, against their will, to live in New York.

And then you spend the evenings working at your (precarious) job in a theatre so they have to have nannies or something to look after them.

And ask yourself what kind of parent you would be if you did that to them. Parents make some sacrifices for their children, not the other way round.

You're incorrect on the last point

Plenty of actors chose to work in ushering because they like being in the theatre between gigs

Realistically, it's not going to happen is it. The motives behind moving your family to New York are entirely selfish. It's all about you.
No mention of why living there would be better for your dh or your children. Probably because it wouldn't be.

But also, if the DH doesn't have parental responsibility, can he even be the legal guardian? Surely someone needs to be the legal guardian in the UK if they're not in the same country as their mother?

But actors who are between gigs enough to get regular ushering work are not going to be making the sort of money in their first broadway role to support a family of three or four in New York.

Agree. Some on here seem not to understand that acting is a real career for some, including OP.

Having said that... OP, this is a personal dream of yours. IMO you can't uproot your family for it. The fact that they 'just' don't want to go is just as valid as the fact that you do want to. Sadly I think your options are to either turn down this opportunity or go alone, and you've said you (understandably) don't want the latter, so... them's the breaks, unfortunately. I get how frustrating this must feel, though.

are you happy to share your salary offer?

my husband and I had a combined salary of $200K and we had a good life in NY, but living in a one bedroom apartment and no kids.

if you want kids to remain in a UK school, fees in NY start at $44k and go up to $65k for secondary.

i would be surprised if you could afford living in Manhattan, unless you live up in the sticks around 126th street or not great parts of Brooklyn.

this would mean a hell of a commute for your kids.

i understand this is your dream so I would initially go on your own and when you see what living in NY is really like, you can decide either to come back to the UK or try and convince your husband to go with actual figures and facts to back you up.

No way I would move to America or take my family: you can’t make them go. Unfortunately if you chose to have a family you have to make sacrifices elsewhere in your life.

He gave up his responsibility and he can now go to court to reapply. Given the kids ages their opinion will be taken into consideration.

He might not be safe even with a green card. Many spouses of U.S. citizens have recently been detained by Immigration and Customs Enforcement at what they thought were going to be routine green card interviews, even when they are eligible to become legal permanent residents by law and have no criminal histories.

Understand Iran's attractive right now and just as sensible.

Lots of theatres here are charities in their own right and may have some volunteers (usually as like a community outreach programme to support disabled, retired, jobseekers etc)

I think the ‘pipe dream’ is less about the acting career and more about the OP not understanding the logistics of US visa requirements for her spouse and kids, plus the cost of living in New York, plus the kids educational disruption.

Plus the realities of the health care system - even if her contract comes with healthcare there’s still a monthly fee plus co-pays and deductibles at the point of use.

So I have very very good insurance but I still pay $75 upfront to use the ER, then a percentage of the cost of any treatment later. My spouse had a bill of $250,000 after an operation and we only had to pay $3000. But that’s still quite a big bill.

You'd be surprised how recognisable some of the other FoH staff I work with are...

Most places are 0 hour contracts. Taking time off for auditions and work is expected

And do they still have paid ushers?
I wouldn't volunteer for the performing arts center that I do if it wasn't a charity/nonprofit. If it was a profit making business I would expect to be paid, but to me it makes sense that ushering at a nonprofit theatre - an unskilled yet highly desired role - is done in a volunteer capacity.