To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

If your DH can't go due to being non eligible for a visa then where will you leave your kids while your working in NYC ? Alone in the accommodation you get given?

You have options.
1- go alone
2- go and make the children come, they will resent you and be very unhappy.

When in the theatre you will not see your family much at all due to school and show times. This is an opportunity of a life time but sometimes when we become mothers we give up the chance to take these opportunities because as an adult and parent our children come first.
On another note if my DH previously had addiction issues I would be highly concerned to leave the children here with him in case the stress or strain caused a relapse.
Like others I highly doubt he would even be allowed to visit you in America due to his history.

For me, family comes before career. They are all massively against it

I don't believe you when you say you don't need to earn money from ushering. Nobody would choose to do that if they were a serious actor looking for work who had someone who could support them.

A lot of actors do ushering work when they're not working in an acting job. They know the theatres, they know what to do.

Of course, that's actors/performers who are not in that small elite group who are either never out of work, or earn enough from telly/film (and the repeat fees) to be able to take breaks from working. But most actors I know really like working, and would rather not have too long off the stage.

Most actors have another freelance trade. I know several who are painters & decorators, and a mate of mine was a handyman in between acting jobs. He was very good at both jobs!

Also, I'm curious - you get paid to be an usher? I am an usher at a big performing arts center in the US (not New York) and it is very much a volunteer role.

That's the difference between the US and the UK. We actually pay arts workers in the UK! And as far as I know, NYC ushers are paid.

But those actors are also not going to qualify for an O visa to be able to work in the US.

It's vanishingly rare, to the extent that most practitioners will never see one in their career. It wouldn't be for having a drink/drugs problem.

Bear in mind the courts have power to restrict the exercise of rights, to restrict the bringing of court proceedings etc, so it's incredibly rare that it would be considered proportionate. If it's something like alcohol/drugs where recovery and salvage of the relationship possible, they absolutely wouldn't be agreeing to something so final.

Either this whole situation is a work of (poor) fiction, or the kids would immediately be taken into care of she left them with him, and it's surprising that they haven't acted already if they know he's back.

I suspect it's the former though.

There are quite complex arrangements for this, made between the two national Equity branches, producers, and US State & UK Home Office - although I know it can be a headache for producers. There's a principle of equal exchange, so a UK performer would be allowed if the UK allows a US performer in. Both have to be classified as 'global talent' (not sure of the official phrase, but that's what I've heard producer friends talk about).

It's complex, but big producers (Cam Mac; Andrew L-W et al) can do it - just have a look at casts on Broadway & the West End.

Yeah out his previous behaviour means he won’t get a visa that’s why he won’t discuss it.

Also he could get his Pr back easily at this point I’m also not sure how you image forcing teens to get on a plane let alone move to the us if they don’t want to and dad will be home.

and remember is parental responsibility meaning doing the responsible things for them not just what you want.

And often if you have created a role in the West End there is a swap deal to be done if a producer wants an American actor for a West End role.

I've just looked at upcoming Broadway shows and there isn't much to which my theory would apply though. Unless it's Titanique.

People are being very snotty because there are more plot holes in the OP's story than a Dan Brown novel, and the OP isn't providing any plausible explanations for any of it.

@ParmaVioletTea slightly off topic but there are quite a number of theatres in the UK whose ushers are volunteers now, even some quite large regional receiving houses. Example: Yvonne Arnaud in Guildford. There are very few smaller venues (350 or fewer) that aren't all volunteer ushers. I suspect this is only going to spread due to funding cuts. Wouldn't surprise me if in ten years' time only the West End and ATG venues regionally will have paid front of house. The RSC are in the process of making cuts and after this round, the only cuts they'll be able to make will be paid ushers.

Complex UK-US arrangements notwithstanding, "global talent" does not work as a theatre usher when they're between MT contracts just for the fun of it.

Yes - I know quite a lot about US visas in general - I think you’re talking about a P2 visa. Which is a lot more achievable than the O visa for someone in the OPs position.

But the OP has been super vague about her visa options and which union she’s in to qualify for the P visa - usually that would have come up during the audition process to make sure everyone wasn’t wasting their time,

I think she's being very Violet Elizabeth. "I want, I want, I want". There are three other people in the family who obviously don't want. How long ago was this audition? The speed things are changing in the US suggest that maybe her DH was happy to think about moving then; but circumstances change. The recent shooting would give me pause.

Believe me, as the parent of a working actor I absolutely believe that people in the arts should be paid. The organization I volunteer for has many paid employees, both front and back of house. But as an usher I certainly don't consider myself to be an "arts worker".

You are super focused on what YOU want OP. “I have changed my mind and don’t want to” is enough of a reason, he clearly doesn’t want to be persuaded / cajoled / forced / emotionally blackmailed etc just because it’s what YOU want.

Have you seen what's happening in the US at the moment? Do you have any assurances that your DH and your DC would even be allowed in? Without him having a job, and your job being only 18 months and on a Broadway salary, it's very likely they wouldn't, and assurances from your employer would carry no weight with immigration.

They might well get chucked into airport detention (appalling conditions with no concessions for children - a friend of mine, travelling from Australia with her 3-month old EBF baby was chucked into detention, even though she had the right papers and her husband had a well-paid and permanent job in the US. They wouldn't even give her a glass of water. She was held there for hours then put on a plane to London where the family originally came from).

Would your DH have to give up his job? What about your home, and what about your DC's schools?

Your DH is right. If you want to take this role - and it does sound exciting - go on your own. Don't drag your children away from their lives on a dubious bet into a society that is teetering on the brink of chaos, and potentially into what could be a truly traumatising experience.

You go, the teens join you during their holidays. The work is so unreliable and the upheaval so huge that it would be very unfair in the run up to GCSEs to take them to a new school system.

I say that as someone who was moved internationally by my parents at that stage of my schooling and it had a huge impact on my qualifications.

people are allowed to change their minds over huge things. And given where the US is going now, i don't blame your DH.

yeah, this just makes you sound unreasonable and entitled
And given you are married, and you are the one who wants to move, i cannot envisage any court allowing you to just whip them away like that.

ETA, having seen the parental responsibility thing. Not sure now.

but you would be very unreasonable moving your children to a foreign (dangerous) country and then since you'Re working in a show - you wouldn't even be at home with them when they have finished school? perhaps you should have your parental responsibilities reassessed?

I would go and take dc with the proviso that if they really didn’t like it after your 18 month contract then you would revisit why and if it can’t be fixed then you would come home
I would tell them that they might be home sooner if the show closes early

These opportunities come once in a lifetime.

Are you going to be able to hire a nanny for dc for when you are at work.

I think your dc are being influenced by your dh if they and he can’t come up with a single reason instead of don’t want to.

I think you have to look at the disrespect that your dh has shown towards you
He was so enthusiastic about going because he thought you weren’t good enough to get the role
That’s how good he thinks you are at what you do.

I think your marriage is over. Whether you go or stay the resentment will fester

You cannot insist they go. You would need DH permission and if they don’t want to go I don’t think he will

Surely the question is why he’s changed his mind since the audition? Maybe he’s looked into visas and realised he won’t be able to get one. Maybe seeing Trump kidnap the president of Venezuela, and his threats towards Greenland have brought home to him how batshit things are in the US right now, or perhaps the many stories of how immigrants of all origins are under threat from ICE? Including the murder of Renee Good who wasn’t an immigrant or even an ethnic minority.

Can you not consider going over on your own at first to see whether the show is going to make it to the full contract length, and then decide once you’re more certain about the future of your role and the opportunities for your husband and kids?

But from here it looks like you’re both equally entrenched in your positions and need to work on better understanding each other if you want progress to be made.