To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

Do you realise though that this would probably mean he can't get a visa to even enter the US?

I thought that. Check the questions on the ESTA, OP.

He wouldn’t even get a tourist visa (ESTA) with that history let alone a work permit or visa. So that’s your dilemma sorted OP, they won’t let your DH even visit let alone live there so you’ll have to go on your own.

I’ll look in to it tonight. I wonder if that’s why he’s refusing to go then if he thinks he won’t get a visa!

This. Also, please can you answer the earlier questions re visa for you, visa for him, if your work is covering rent etc

He might not even be able to get a tourist visa.

OP, you are living in cloud cuckoo land, not only with this job but with your husband. For him to have had parental rights removed from him there must have been something very seriously wrong. For you to think that a temporary job in NY would be worth uprooting everyone - including your husband's job - is just crazy. Have you any idea how much it would cost for you all to live there?

I don't believe you when you say you don't need to earn money from ushering. Nobody would choose to do that if they were a serious actor looking for work who had someone who could support them.

If this is a great opportunity for your career, I think you should take it. However, moving your family seems to be a non-starter.

flying the family back and forth for visits would make more sense. In the meantime live cheap and enjoy the city.

Are you going to address the points that posters on this thread have made, @TheCoralBear?

The disruption to your kids’ education, friendships and whole way of life.

The costs of life in NY.

The horror show that is life in the USA under Trump.

The short term nature of this opportunity for you - and the real possibility that you’ll have to uproot the whole family again when it ends.

The fact that you are castigating your dh for not listening to you - but you clearly aren’t listening to him or to your children about whether they want to move to NY.

You need to see them as individuals with needs who have their own existence, rather than thinking it is OK to drag them to NY because you want to go.

But what can he say; what is the point of keeping on asking him? He doesn't want to go. Maybe the drink and drugs issue has something to do with it, but does he not have the right to say that he will not move abroad, even if he expressed interest a while ago when he most likely thought it wouldn't be a possibility?

1. Given the issues you cite, your husband is unlikely to get a visa;
2. your job out there is a short contract, shows can close early, and you would be living in an expensive city and having to pay private school fees whilst hoping your job lasted the full term and you DH could get a short contract too, this makes no sense financially;
3. it’s terrible timing in terms of your children’s education, and especially for exams, which could fundamentally affect their futures;
4. America is not safe at the moment - limited healthcare for women, fascist govt, masked agents snatching people off the street and shooting and killing people who object, school shootings every week, shooter drills from nursery upwards

Your DH has been a bit irritating with talking about it as a possibility before the audition - but he and the children have the right to say that they do not want to completely up end their lives.

The fact that he lost parental responsibility years ago through a court order also means nothing - he could apply to get it back and the fact that you have all been living together seemingly happily for years suggests that he would likely be successful.

If you took the children, against their will, and left DH here, how would you support them to settle in while you were rehersing and then performing 8 shows a week? Would you be leaving them with an unknown childminder every evening?

Have you considered what will happen in terms of safety, visa's etc should everything kick off in terms of international politics?

Well, I can assure you ushers get paid in commercial theatre in the UK. I worked in the West End as an usher and we all got paid. Also when I've worked as an actor in regional theatre in the UK front of house staff have always been paid.

Broadway isn't non profit is it? So I expect they get paid there too

Presumably, Miss VE Bott, you don't keep up with the news in your glitzy showbiz bubble? Moving to USA now is inadvisable, at best, for many reasons. You've spent your whole career in musical theatre, you must have many colleagues and acquaintances who could give you the answers you're seeking here. Those with families will say don't move your family. Those who are unattached may want to risk it but there's no guarantee of work in your field in NY's overcrowded industry, You know this. MN can't give you permission.

Improvisation was a really good skill I learned at drama school. The ability to create a believable drama as you go along is valuable.

Unfortunately not a skill you've learned OP. Back to the Future is a more believable story than the one you're spinning here. Stick to ushering.

⬆️⬆️ all of that.

Which leaves you with the option of going on your own.
The huge issue for me is that your dh doesn’t have parental responsibility for the dcs. If the dcs need an authorisation for the school, he can’t do it. If they are going to hospital, his voice is worth nothing.

id also be worried that being in his own with two teens that will be affected by your move, let alone the impact on him, he isn’t going to cope.

Unfortunately, your situation doesn’t really scream ‘oh yes let’s do it!’.
And I’m usuaLly the type of person to say moving abroad is a really good idea.
At the very least, I think,it should start with you being there for a few months to try it out before everyone moves.
It will give you time to assess what it actually means to be in a state school,in the US. If it’s actually suitable for the dcs (it’s not obvious imo). See how the health system works (much worse than I think you anticipate it) etc…

I didn't say I didn't believe you. I said I was surprised. I love being an usher. I'd love it even more if I got paid!

"Broadway" isn't one organization of course. The individual productions aren't nonprofits, although lot of them don't make profits. As for the individual theatres, I don't know how many of them are nonprofit organizations. It's possibly very different from the performing arts center I volunteer at. A large part of the reason that it is a nonprofit is because that qualifies it for government grants (local, state and federal), and they do do a lot of things for the community in return.

He’s not getting any kind of US work visa with that as a background - he probably would not even be given the spousal O3 to accompany your O1 (assuming you even manage to qualify for that.)

You are being incredibly naive about the visa process for yourself let alone your DH.

People are being very snotty and more than a bit misogynistic on here – calling the OP Violet Elizabeth Bott, sneering at her having main character energy...

I do think for a potentially short-term thing it's a little risky. But your DH agreeing/encouraging you, and then moving the goalposts, is out of order. I don't think much of him or of the kids (how old are they?) for simply refusing to discuss it either.

Are there any in-between solutions e.g. you going back to visit/them coming out to visit you during the run?

Honestly I can’t believe you haven’t looked into this already. How can you be so insistent on dragging your entire family with you to another country when you haven’t even researched the basics of getting a visa?

im really concerned about what else you haven’t considered.

You want to move your daughter when she's either in Y9 or Y10 and then possibly move her back but maybe not? So basically screwing over her education?
You want to move your daughter to a country where women's rights are being eroded by the second? Where even kids in schools aren't safe?

Has he ever been arrested, cautioned or convicted for any drug or alcohol related offences? If so, his ability to even just step on US soil is highly questionable.

I can’t believe you didn’t consider this before even auditioning to be honest. It’s pretty widely known that the US has very strict entry/visa requirements.

You sound like a fantasist.

If his problems were so severe that he had his PR taken away (which is very rare) then I’m guessing he’s got a conviction of some kind. Which makes all this moot as the US won’t grant him any kind of visa.

Your kids needs stability more than ever. To be honest, at age 14 I would be very wary of moving secondary schools within my own city, never mind a different part of the country or emigrating. And that’s before considering the trauma they have suffered..

I can't imagine he'll get a visa if there have been drug problems in the past.