To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

I wouldn’t take your kids out of education for an 18m contract.

The 14 yos GCSEs would be totally screwed, the 11 yo lost the stability if the start of secondary.

I honestly can’t see a UK actor getting a Green Card on the basis of an 18m contract. It isn’t as if the U.S is short of talented performers.

Very frustrating OP, and such an exciting offer, but I am surprised either you or your DH thought this was a goer unless you go alone and they visit often.

The role is a make believe one so the break will be for as long as she wants

Wow! I had no idea. I (and my fellow ushers) do it because we want to support the nonprofit theatre and of course because we get to see lots of shows for free.

I don't know about on Broadway but I know that in Chicago (the second biggest theatre city in the country) ushers are volunteer positions too.

So will this company cover all costs? You'd need to think about:

Travel
Removals
What happens to your property while you are away
Temporary housing
Healthcare
Insurance
Visas

I’d go it alone initially and see how it pans out. You might hate it over there or your DC and DH might miss you dreadfully and want to be with you. Men do this shit all of the time but women always feel unable to. It’s a strong career proposition and not one I think you should turn down personally, I think you would live to regret it.

So where ARE you planning to live then? Which neighbourhoods are looking good? Do they have decent schools for your kids? How much is your rental going to be and how much will you have left over for everything else? You must’ve done all of this research because otherwise it’s pointless having any kind of discussion with your husband. Unless you’ve got all of this information lined up, I wouldn’t be bothering to have a conversation with you either!

14 is a really tricky age to move schooling, unless you've got the money for a private international school who do GCSE’s. Would your visa include a spouse work visa? Could you survive on just your income?

personally I wouldn’t go at the moment as I think the political situation is just too volatile.

Hi OP can you tell me what specific, unique skill you have that will demonstrate to the visa authorities that you need to relocate from the uk to do this and that it can’t be sourced domestically? Just hiring in regular performers from abroad (unless very big names) would never get past the unions.
If you don’t answer then I’ll assume this is a fake post.

What are the children’s ages? And financially- are you very comfortable?

You say that you’re annoyed he previously agreed to move but is now refusing. In fairness, it depends when you asked him. The political landscape in the US is moving quickly at the moment.

3-6 months ago it might have seemed viable.

But now? The US feels like a volatile place to live with a leader that’s becoming increasingly authoritarian and ignoring the rule of law. Wild horses wouldn’t persuade me to visit let alone live there now.

#TeamHusbandAndKids

Your husband is right, if this is true, go on your own, don't disrupt the kids, look at it from their pov. You are ruining alot of lives here with this III me me me attitude. I dont know how any decent Mother can consider putting herself first.

If this goes to court, I hope the children are put first and they are able to stay.

I do think you are deluded and this won't go as well as you think.

I think anyone in the UK even considering moving to the US must, by definition, be on glue, so OP I think you are being VVV unreasonable!

I'd say that if it were your husband's work. Look, the current administration HATE us at the moment. That's not going to change. Worst case scenario, we might even be in some form of conflict with the US soon - and you can probably expect some punitive sanctions at best. Plus, if you or your family have ever said anything negative about the Orange One on social media over the last 5 years, they won't let you in anyway! 😂

It's a massively unsafe place to deliberately bring children. New York is famously expensive to live in so you'd probably have to live somewhere a bit dicey, too. All for a Broadway show (really??) that might fold after a few weeks. If you are still even considering this, then why NOT move out there on a temporary basis and see how it goes? Leaving your children in their schools with their friends and with pretty much zero chance of being shot by disaffected students, crazies or ICE agents.

If you really have been offered a Broadway role (I'm a bit sceptical about this, it's not like there's a shortage of talented American musical theatre actors over there! and if you've been working as an usher in between roles then brutally, I'm sorry but you don't sound indispensable) then that's sad, but we have plenty of musical theatre in the UK and far fewer licensed thugs with guns...

You’re incredibly selfish aren’t you op? You want to uproot 3 people for an 18m stint. It could be even less if it doesn’t work out. These aren’t young kids, they will have solid friendships, school relationships and ties here. I suspect your dh didn’t have much of a choice during the audition process because you harassed him then- look at you insisting that he goes now!
and good luck forcing the kids who are already dead set against it- they will hate you for that. No one is stopping you from going but forcing 3 people isn’t the right thing to do.

I wouldn’t be moving to America at the moment.

He’s not changed his mind on the paint for the hallway, it’s a huge deal.

It's daft to uproot the entire family and change your DC's education for an 18 month contract. Surely the suggestions that your family visit you regularly make more sense? What happens when the show ends? Are you confident you will get another role on Broadway?

Well you are not engaging with any of the real issues such as the matter of the continuity of kids' education and are instead saying things like I'm sure there's a way we can make it work. Yes you can find a school delivering a British curriculum there, will it be located near your accommodation, will your child settle enough to engage with it, have you considered the impact on her if she loves it and your job isn't there after 6 months, the impact on her if she hates it with a passion and has to stick it out for more than 18 months because you get renewed...you are being very single-minded as to your own desires and brushing off the very real considerations that everyone else has and which your DH probably has as well. He's not talking to you because until you engage with reality there's no point.

Just for the record, I'm a great believer in the huge benefits of living abroad and learning about other cultures but many who do it recognise the need for stability for their kids in their teen years and they generally do not uproot them at critical times in their education. It's a bit different if you've grown up used to moving countries every 2 years and you have the logistical and financial support of a company behind you but you don't fall into that category.

Mmmm, I wonder what on earth might have happened in US in the interim to make him change his mind?

It's because he's given you his answer and there is nothing to discuss.
Moving your family to NY for your career is utterly unreasonable in these times and while he shouldn't have allowed you to apply wothout speaking up, times are moving fast and it's clearly unsafe and just not wise to consider a move to the US right now for anyone.

If I were your husband and kids I’d start posting publically all over social media about how awful Trump is - at least then they know they’ll be safe from you trying to force them to live there.

if this is real, and there’s a lot not passing the sniff test, you are being incredibly selfish. Your kids are at crucial ages. With women’s rights in the US being eroded, you genuinely feel ok taking your 14 year old daughter there? You feel ok risking your daughter’s GCSE’s which could affect her entire future if she doesn’t end up completing the necessary education in either country?

Your only option really is to go alone. It’s not forever, and it’s the fairest option. Unless you explain why your DH has PR removed, we can’t really judge if there’s a good reason for not leaving the kids with him.

I don't believe any mother would genuinely move a 14 year old to the US temporarily. It will completely screw up her exams. Even if you put them into an international or online school, the school back home when the contract is over won't run the same syllabus for all subjects.

Its astonishingly selfish.

If you really must go then go alone.

He's probably fed up with you ignoring anything he says in the same way you ignore people on here.

That's assuming he's even in the same room with you....

NYC is fantastic for teenagers - such a lot going on and it's like living in a movie.

But what's your contract? Are the production company going to pay for (or at the very least) subsidise your accommodation and provide family healthcare?

The theatre people I know who work between Broadway & the West End generally have a production company behind them, which provides central London or Manhattan accommodation. For example, Cameron Mack. has various central London flats they use for their stars, as does Disney.

Do you KNOW what an apartment in Manhattan costs nowadays ...?

Maybe you're very famous and are experienced in this, but it doesn't sound like it. Be very careful.

If he's refusing to even give you a clue about why he's gone from full steam ahead let's do it to no way, he owes it to you to have a conversation. Not necessarily right this second, but refusing to agree to discuss it later and refusing to give you ANY clue at all about what in his mind has changed - "I've discovered my working in the USA would be much more complicated than I thought" or "I hadn't realised the children would be so strongly against going" or "the political situation has changed in ways none of us expected when we discussed this six months ago" or "I have a new girlfriend and I don't want to leave her" - anything! - is suss. This is beginning to sound like the main issue is communication, not who moves and how.

DH had his Parental responsibility removed mostly due to a drink and drugs problem at the time that he has since recovered from. I’d rather not give anymore detail about it than that if that’s ok. We spilt up at the time but we have got back together since he recovered.

Won’t that affect his ability to get work/visa in the US?