To insist on moving DH and the DC to New York?

[TheCoralBear]

Me, DH and our DC (11 year old DS and 14 year old DD) were all born in the UK and live in London. I’ve performed in musical theatre (and I work as an usher in a theatre when I’m not performing) my whole life and it’s all I’ve ever known. Usually I perform in west end musicals here in the UK however I’ve now been offered a role on Broadway which would obviously involve moving to New York. I want to accept the role and move us all to New York but DH and the DC are dead set against it and won’t even consider it. I really don’t want to turn down the Broadway role as it’s an excellent opportunity for my career. DH are the DC are refusing to even consider moving though. DH has even suggested I go to New York alone and he stays here with the children but I’m not going to just abandon my children like that so that’s why I’ve suggested we all move to New York but DH and DC keep insisting that they don’t want to go. Would I be unreasonable to insist that we are all going to New York and that’s the end of it? DH says he doesn’t care if it’s an excellent opportunity for my career but he is not considering moving to New York, he is dead set against it.

He can't just 'give up PR' unless the children were adopted by someone else or unless the court ordered it.

If a court ordered the removal of PR, then it would only be for such serious reasons that if he was back in the children's lives, social services would be all over it.

If adopted, then that would be ridiculously messy, and I would wonder why you would let someone back in your lives that truly abandoned their children to the extent they were adopted.

I’m getting quite frustrated with you, tbh. And we’ve never even met.

😂. Yes, I do feel for the DH here! I wonder if the OP has a long history of similar bright ideas...

OP you’re not the only one who’s frustrated. We are too.

Have you even read the many many thoughtful responses on this thread? Because you aren’t answering anyone’s questions and don’t seem to be taking any of
the points on board.

Spot on. The US is not somewhere anyone should consider moving to right now.

Um it's in the title thread ...

This will be because it's utter fantasy, for all the reasons some of us have pointed out.

My daughter is training in a similar industry so I get it. It's Broadway! That's pretty much the pinnacle.

However, moving an entire family for potentially an 18-month contract, with only one modest income guaranteed, to an outrageously expensive city seems...not that well thought out, to be frank. Not only that but with the way things are in the States at the moment, you wouldn't catch me near the place!

That being said, I don't think it was fair of him to encourage you until it became a reality. The thing is, you can't 'make' him go and you're not willing to go without him so...what choice do you have?

Is your husband even eligible for a visa? The parental responsibility issue hints at the kind of murky legal issues that the U.S. uses to reject applications.

Based on that information, YABU.

Considering how hard it is for a non American to get a role on Broadway, i'm surprised this threads not gone already haha

When are you going to accept it OP that virtually everyone thinks that you’re being unreasonable.
He probably won’t talk about it because he has said a firm no and has no intention of changing his mind. Stop asking, and decide for yourself if you’re either going alone, or not at all, as that now is your only choice.

I reckon this is fake
Who in their right ind would persue this?
Husband doesn't want to go. Children don't want to go. DD is entering a key part of her education.
There is no conversation to be had.

I think if this is actually real, which seems unlikely, and this is your dream, you would consider going and leaving your husband and kids in London. It's only temporary. Flights between New York and London are cheap and quick - obviously you would be working 6 days a week so couldn't make the trip, but presumably your family could come visit for a long weekend every so often? The fact that you're adamant that you wouldn't go without your family makes me think it's not really the life long dream you are saying it is.

Also, I'm curious - you get paid to be an usher? I am an usher at a big performing arts center in the US (not New York) and it is very much a volunteer role.

You’re only thinking of yourself OP. Your DH doesn’t want to go, nor do your children. It’s the totally wrong time for your 14 yo to move, education wise.

Have you looked into whether or not your DH will be able to work in the USA if he’s tied to your work visa ? Would your salary really cover all your accommodation and living costs.

The ages your children are at just not suited to such a move. Would you not go by yourself ?

Because he and the children don’t want to go!!!
Jeez take the hint!!!
It’s your dream to go so go and try to make it work with daily zoom and holiday visits - it won’t be easy imho though.
You are being very selfish so come down from cloud 9 and see it from their point of view.
If you don’t go however don’t spend the rest of your life blaming H & C - this is on you.

Yep I know… I was being playful based on the fact it’s in the opening post an unnecessary SEVEN times (including the title).

Edited to add - if you decide to take your children and go, what’s your childcare plan for when you are working in the evenings? You won’t be there when they come home from school and won’t be home until very late.

At 14 I wouldn't have wanted to change schools either.

If none of them want to go and you don't want to leave them behind then I guess your options are:

1. stay and give up the opportunity
2. go alone for the 18mo, probably with the expectation that they come out every school holiday to stay and you visit home as much as possible.
3. dump your partner and go to NYC with only your kids

All have resentment there somewhere though.

OP, if this is post is genuine, your only choices here are to either go on your own or stay. In relation to your 14yr old DD, you want to rip her out of her UK education for a potential 18 month contract? If after 18 months you have to return then your DD educationally will be pretty screwed as they will have missed the most important period of their GCSEs. Plus the damage to their existing friendship groups. We can all see why they are against it and good luck also trying to get unwilling participants through immigration.

Your employer will help / sponsor you for visa or green card. If your husband can't transfer with his company it could be a long drawn out process to get the relevant clearance. A family member of mine married a American. To get a green card took almost 18 months. Not able to work during processing eithet. New York rents are very expensive can you support everyone?

By very off I think you mean we can all see Pinocchio’s nose now 😂

I love it when people come on here and say 'am I being unreasonable' and 99% of responders say 'yes, you are', but they just carry on regardless. Why did you even ask? 😄 It's rare that Mumsnet is Team Husband, but I think we are today.

Ushers get paid in the UK in professional theatre. I'm pretty sure they do in the US too on Broadway!

How long is the role for? That, and if you can take a break at some point is key.

It's hard to believe that as a mother of two children of that age, you would even have gone through the audition process without properly considering the options if you were to be successful.

Apart from them not wanting to go (entirely reasonably), you really haven't thought about the practicalities - you don't seem to understand the visa situation for your DH, you believe healthcare is provided for you - and all the family (this sounds unlikely, or to a sufficient level) and there is no mention of how you would manage this in line with your DC's schooling - especially your eldest.

It's unfathomably selfish, and chaotic.